Scarleteen

I moved out a few months ago. And, I'm glad I did. Because I've had the most gender euphoria I've ever had in my life.

- I went to a nude beach with my friends and felt so fucking comfortable in my own body
- I shaved all my body hair off and was so smooth
- I wore skirts outside in public, without thigh highs
- I cut my damn hair into a pixie cut, and genuinely felt femminine
- I went to SDCC cosplaying as a canonical trans girl character for the first time, and I wore a short ass skirt with a thong and a mesh shirt with pasties and a harness

I've never felt this femme in my whole life, it's fucking unbelievable. I looked at myself in the mirror and actually fucking saw a girl looking back. There's just one problem: my top dysphoria has been getting a lot worse lately.

Especially at Comic Con, all my friends said I definitely passed as a cis girl, and that might be true. I even got called "ladies" and "ma'am"! But, in my mind, I couldn't believe it because I don't have tits. Some girls don't have tits, some can't grow them, some get them cut off, but I don't know, I don't feel femme without them and it's always bothered me.

I want to go on HRT desperately. I can do it. I can set an appointment with Planned Parenthood and they'll probably cover it and shit. I can go on HRT right fucking now. But, I have like $100 in my fucking bank account, I have no savings, I keep spending all my money. I'm on Medicaid on some random plan because ADHD makes me forget to change it. I have a bunch of health problems that I should probably get checked out. I can't even afford a therapist or a psychiatrist and Medicaid doesn't cover any of those. I don't even have dental or vision. I'm closeted at work. It's... ARGH FUCK!

I can start it now but... can I really? So, so, so many things would change when I start HRT. My anatomy, my sex life, my wardrobe, my legal documents and shit. I don't fucking know. Am I ready for it? Even if I am mentally?

I've been obsessing over the Greek goddess Aphroditus lately. I feel like I embody her, I want to embody her. Everything about her just resonates with me. Especially the whole magical girlcock out thing. I want to dress like her and be her and shit. Ugh. I spent today looking at boudoir photographers in my area because I've always wanted to do it. I found one and the women are just so fucking pretty and the photographer is trans friendly and would definitely be okay with the kind of poses I wanna do and shit. I just... I have to wait at least a year after starting HRT... whenever that is.

I just wish I was born with tits already, or that I grew them overnight. It's fucking bullshit how debilitating top dysphoria is. I'm such a weird fucking trans girl, I love my girlcock, it's the source of my femininity BUT MY FUCKING CHEST I HATE IT AHHHHHHHHHHHH.

why do i always write these things at midnight

Hi transfemandgay,

I'm so glad you've had so many sources of gender euphoria lately; I know how big a leap it was to get out of your old living situation and it's great to see you benefiting so much from it!

Let's dig into those worries about starting HRT now. I think it's sensible to be looking at the big picture of how it would fit into your other healthcare needs and your budget, but I also think it's more than okay to prioritize it. You already know how being able to live as yourself has been good for your mental health, and HRT would most likely continue that pattern. And it's certainly not frivolous or irresponsible to prioritize it.

Do you think it would help to call Planned Parenthood (or wherever is most likely the place you'd be getting HRT) and just ask for a consultation? That would give you a chance to talk through some of those concerns and questions, as well as work out how this would look financially. I will say that Medicaid in California explicitly covers gender transition stuff, so that may make it easier to get what you need.

Too, would it help to talk through what things you'd need to change once you started HRT and make a general plan for how to approach them? That could also give you a sense of what kind of timeline you'd be working with.

I have a bottle of estradiol in my room now. I haven't even touched it yet. I can't until I move jobs.

What the fuck.

Oh, jeez. Want to fill us in?

I mean it’s literal estrogen in my room because I got an appointment with Planned Parenthood. They set me up on a low dose of estrogen and a low dose of T-blockers so I would still have penis function.

I can’t use it until I move from my not blatantly transphobic but definitely not outlandishly queer job. Thankfully, Starbucks wants to interview me.

I know I can use it before I move jobs, though. I’m just… terrified. Like I spent literal years waiting for this bottle of pills and I’m too fucking scared to take my first pill PRECISELY because of the effects I wanted. Even then, the sexual effects still scare me. Like, I have 5 toys, one of which is a good and vibrator, the other four are strokers of some kind, only one of which is meant for trans women that can maintain erections.

Plus, I don’t know if im supposed to do something before I like start. Like, I want to shave my body first but that took me four hours last time, which I don’t have time for. Plus, I actually want to see the effects estrogen will have on me which means I wanna take pictures of my entire naked body before I lose it forever, but that takes confidence.

Idk, I’m just scared.

It's okay to feel scared, even if this is something you've wanted for awhile! Big changes, be they very wanted or not, can bring up all sorts of intense feelings for people.

Do you think it would help to hold onto the reminder that this is something you chose after a lot of thought and introspection? That you understand their could be challenges that come with it but that doesn't negate how much you want it, and how likely it will be that your life improves overall as a result? I ask because when we're scared, we tend to hone in on the possible bad outcomes, rather than the positive ones that lead us to make the choice in the first place.

With wanting to do something before you start, shaving may not really be necessary, since one of the likely side effects is slower body hair growth; it might be easier to shave bit by bit as needed (though if the full body shave really increases your euphoria, then it might be worth setting aside a chunk of a day to do it, maybe with a podcast or T.V show you like on in the background).

With the photo, what if you split the difference and took something like a full body shot in the mirror, clothed? Or one where your topless but not all the way naked? If you have a friend you feel comfortable with, you could even ask them to take it with you in whatever state of dress or undress you're both comfortable with; sometimes that can take away the weirdness you might feel having to study your own body to compose the shot.

Okay so I’ve made a list of things I need to do before I start estrogen:

- Move jobs
- Shave
- Get a haircut (& dye?)
- Take pics
- Maybe buy more clothes
- Maybe have sex

But that’s all the things I can think of before I’m comfortable enough to start it. Or, idk, maybe I’ll have a breakdown and start it earlier.

Either way, I know I really want this. I want it a lot. I’m just… worried because I don’t have a therapist, and medical doesn’t cover therapy. Argh. That’s fun.

Hey transfemandgay -- there might be some therapy or counselling resources near you that offer sliding-scale services or may even have a program that provides it at no cost. Have you ever tried looking for those?

I’m not really sure where I’d start looking, though. Like idk what to google, but also don’t I have to go therapist shopping?

Also, my gf tried helping me find a therapist on my medical plan but literally none were covered by it. Even with the largest radius and online appointments only.

You might be able to find community-based resources that are free or sliding scale, especially if you moved to somewhere, which I'm guessing you may have, that is a queer and trans-friendly place.

We can help you look if you want to get us some more info, but if you'd rather look yourself, what I'd put into a search engine if I were doing it is your zip code, and trans and counseling and low cost and see where that takes me, to start.