South Asian Indian Identity
Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2021 11:51 pm
So I just had the weird discovery that I’ve been feeling weird about my identity for like 4 freaking YEARS now...and now I’m FINALLY confident and proud of my Indian heritage and able to be proud of relating to others. 
Gotta go back to middle school when I decided (as an Indian)-that I liked Bollywood hip hop music. That was my culture-it was fine. But I also had a ton of East Asian and Southeast Asian friends. Some of them introduced me to K-Pop. God, did I fangirl over Kpop, like 10 years begins it became popular! And there was absolutely no malicious intent, just a bunch of 14 year olds laughing, dancing, singing and watching music videos together while talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
But having both my Bollywood hip hop music and Kpop on display was too much for the 20% of narrow minded people in my school. I got introduced to a world where:
-other Indians made fun of me for liking Indian hip hop instead of my parents black and white Bollywood movies. They said I wasn’t Indian enough
-some Indians (who supported my hip hop obsession) made fun of me for liking Kpop, reciting every damaging East Asian stereotype you can think of...while my East Asian friends since 2nd grade were sitting 2 lunch tables away. Yeah I stopped hanging out with them
-some East Asian students who supported my Kpop obsession made fun of South Asians...all the stereotypes. Yeah not hanging out with them either.
-all the jerks of any race/ethnicity/gender declared open season on Asians in general, fangirls, and my liking boys. So much bullying. Did any of this make any sense, even then? Nope, but it happened anyway.
-discovered that some people in my family have...shall we say truly WEIRD beliefs about East Asians. Who again were my longtime friends, and this made me so sad. Specially cause I was 13 and had so many crushes.
Due to being constantly told I was too Indian/not Indian enough, I said some really racist hurtful things I regret to a close Korean friend. I wrote her a huge apology letter explaining the situation and we are still friends to this day, but man that mistake cost me a week of sleep and almost cost me my whole friend group. I was jealous of the way others would separate me and my South/Southeast/East Asian friends by how we looked. And then they dictated what we could like based on looks, with absolutely no regard to friendship, culture, or plain old curiosity and appreciation. Such BS...but I stopped listening to everything until 17.
At 17...
Me: Listens to KPop and Bollywood music as well as 1980’s classic rock, confident and cool, totally loving life and everything is just so awesome
Everyone else: YAY good for you!!
The African-American guy (new student) I welcomed to my high school: Happy birthday, here have an identity crisis, because by sheer coincidence of schedules, you are the only Indian person at your Asian lunch table, and you look different.
This guy said “You’re Indian not (East) Asian right? So why do you relate to/talk about culture with/talk to/sit with/romantically like
East Asian people?
IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERSTATE HOW MUCH THST HURT ME.
1) He defined my own South Asian Indian culture for me and in so doing put me in a box of sorts that I’d been trying to escape since 11.
2) He cut me off from any cultural similarities and the shared background of growing up as an Asian Immigrant kid. Just cause I looked different.
4)Just that being bullied literally 8 times a day for 3 months just for talking with your friends SUCKS.
I wish I had the courage to tell him to get lost. I did not.
Instead I spent time crying in bathroom stalls. I was late to class, my homework suffered. Avoided my East Asian friends. School was HELL because of that guy. I pretended like everything was fine. In reality I had started sitting with some Indian friends I kinda sorta knew at lunch. Just to make the questions stop.
Eventually, my Indian friend found me sobbing in the bathroom for 10 minutes-she was shocked! She got me out, gave me tissues and told me to have confidence in who I was.
And...then I went to a majority white Christian college where I was the only Asian kid in my religion class for the first time in my life, so that kinda continued the identity issues. It took me until now to totally accept that message all my friends have been giving me since then.
I shared this because I needed to get it out of my system for good. And also because everyone should have the confidence to be who they are. There is no such thing as too Indian/not Indian enough. If you are from India, you are Indian, nobody takes the card away. Be proud of your heritage and express it how you want. This applies to any culture btw everyone be proud please!
Gotta go back to middle school when I decided (as an Indian)-that I liked Bollywood hip hop music. That was my culture-it was fine. But I also had a ton of East Asian and Southeast Asian friends. Some of them introduced me to K-Pop. God, did I fangirl over Kpop, like 10 years begins it became popular! And there was absolutely no malicious intent, just a bunch of 14 year olds laughing, dancing, singing and watching music videos together while talking about everything and nothing at the same time.
But having both my Bollywood hip hop music and Kpop on display was too much for the 20% of narrow minded people in my school. I got introduced to a world where:
-other Indians made fun of me for liking Indian hip hop instead of my parents black and white Bollywood movies. They said I wasn’t Indian enough
-some Indians (who supported my hip hop obsession) made fun of me for liking Kpop, reciting every damaging East Asian stereotype you can think of...while my East Asian friends since 2nd grade were sitting 2 lunch tables away. Yeah I stopped hanging out with them
-some East Asian students who supported my Kpop obsession made fun of South Asians...all the stereotypes. Yeah not hanging out with them either.
-all the jerks of any race/ethnicity/gender declared open season on Asians in general, fangirls, and my liking boys. So much bullying. Did any of this make any sense, even then? Nope, but it happened anyway.
-discovered that some people in my family have...shall we say truly WEIRD beliefs about East Asians. Who again were my longtime friends, and this made me so sad. Specially cause I was 13 and had so many crushes.
Due to being constantly told I was too Indian/not Indian enough, I said some really racist hurtful things I regret to a close Korean friend. I wrote her a huge apology letter explaining the situation and we are still friends to this day, but man that mistake cost me a week of sleep and almost cost me my whole friend group. I was jealous of the way others would separate me and my South/Southeast/East Asian friends by how we looked. And then they dictated what we could like based on looks, with absolutely no regard to friendship, culture, or plain old curiosity and appreciation. Such BS...but I stopped listening to everything until 17.
At 17...
Me: Listens to KPop and Bollywood music as well as 1980’s classic rock, confident and cool, totally loving life and everything is just so awesome
Everyone else: YAY good for you!!
The African-American guy (new student) I welcomed to my high school: Happy birthday, here have an identity crisis, because by sheer coincidence of schedules, you are the only Indian person at your Asian lunch table, and you look different.
This guy said “You’re Indian not (East) Asian right? So why do you relate to/talk about culture with/talk to/sit with/romantically like
East Asian people?
IMPOSSIBLE TO OVERSTATE HOW MUCH THST HURT ME.
1) He defined my own South Asian Indian culture for me and in so doing put me in a box of sorts that I’d been trying to escape since 11.
2) He cut me off from any cultural similarities and the shared background of growing up as an Asian Immigrant kid. Just cause I looked different.
4)Just that being bullied literally 8 times a day for 3 months just for talking with your friends SUCKS.
I wish I had the courage to tell him to get lost. I did not.
Instead I spent time crying in bathroom stalls. I was late to class, my homework suffered. Avoided my East Asian friends. School was HELL because of that guy. I pretended like everything was fine. In reality I had started sitting with some Indian friends I kinda sorta knew at lunch. Just to make the questions stop.
Eventually, my Indian friend found me sobbing in the bathroom for 10 minutes-she was shocked! She got me out, gave me tissues and told me to have confidence in who I was.
And...then I went to a majority white Christian college where I was the only Asian kid in my religion class for the first time in my life, so that kinda continued the identity issues. It took me until now to totally accept that message all my friends have been giving me since then.
I shared this because I needed to get it out of my system for good. And also because everyone should have the confidence to be who they are. There is no such thing as too Indian/not Indian enough. If you are from India, you are Indian, nobody takes the card away. Be proud of your heritage and express it how you want. This applies to any culture btw everyone be proud please!