My girlfriend loves MY oral foreplay, but won't reciprocate, saying she has a small mouth...

[TakeControl]

My response was, well don't choke on the thing, maybe just start with the tip and see how it goes. She did, for about 2 seconds, and said she doesn't like it. Jokingly I said, well I don't like getting mouth deep in your vagina but I know YOU love it. Stopped short of calling her selfish.
I want to get married one day and have children one day, I don't know if I could marry someone who won't reciprocate. She felt BAD, well if you feel bad then you know you should change. No? Stick to your guns, or feel bad and change. Is that not normal thinking?

[Urna]

Hello TakeControl,

At Scarleteen, we think that when someone does not like to perform or receive a particular sex act, they should not be expected or asked to perform/receive it anyway. Your girlfriend has made it clear that she doesn't like to perform oral sex, and she also told you why. You see, sex is not a matter of obligation. Just because you go down on her does not mean that she is obliged to do the same to you. Reciprocity doesn't work in that black-and-white way, as this article, entitled Reciprocity, Reloaded will tell you. Here's a quote that explains why we should think about reciprocity in a more nuanced way:-

With activities like oral or manual sex, people usually assume that one partner is giving, and the other getting, and the giver and the getter don’t get to be both giving and receiving unless the same activity is “performed upon” the other partner. Assuming that assumes a lot. It assumes that in some sexual activities, only one partner is sexually engaged or pleased, because of the (flawed) idea that our genitals are our only pleasure center: that if one person’s genitals aren’t involved in a sexual activity and someone else’s are, that only the person whose genitals are getting some action is “getting” sex which the other is giving. During partnered sex, not only are there two (or more) people present, there are two (or more) things going on for each person: both giving AND receiving pleasure. If we’re with someone who is a good partner for us, we’re not just getting off on being pleased, we’re getting off on our partner experiencing pleasure with us. Lots of people -- we can even safely say most people who really are interested in mutual pleasure -- get a real buzz and a real sexual turn-on from sexual activities which are receptive for their partner: performing oral or manual sex to a partner, for instance. Lots of people enjoy a given sexual activity which may not do all that much for them physically, but deliver emotionally or intellectually.

I notice you've said that you don't see yourself getting married to someone who won't reciprocate exactly what they receive. If it's an absolute deal-breaker for you that she won't perform oral sex, it's best to step back and introspect a little, by thinking about these things:-

If both the "giving" or the "receiving" isn’t pretty freaking fantastic for all involved, no matter what role you’re in during a given activity, or at a given moment, that’s something to seriously consider. Check to make sure you’re sleeping with someone you really like and are really attracted to, for instance, and who you know likes you -- including outside the bedroom. Take stock of any messed-up messages about sex you might have internalized along the way, like the idea that partners or people of a certain gender are obligated to do certain things sexually or play certain roles. Be mindful for hidden trouble spots in the relationship -- like feeling constantly taken advantage of or only seen as having one use or value, that your needs are ignored, or like you always feel you have to be the leader or the instigator -- that lack of satisfaction could be symptoms of. Double-check with yourself to be sure that partnered sex, rather than masturbation, is even what you (and your partner) want and are ready for right then, and that you’re not engaging in any given sexual activity out of obligation, rather than the strong desire to do whatever it is you’re doing because it feels good for everyone, and because you're enjoying yourselves.

You said you found her behaviour selfish, because she won't go down on you. Does she otherwise care about your pleasure during sex and perform other sex acts that get you off, or is she usually focusing only on her own pleasure? If you find that your girlfriend is routinely focusing only on her own pleasure and doesn't care much about about yours, then she may just be selfish, and that gives you grounds for taking stock of your relationship and seeing if you want to continue to be with her, especially if this selfishness extends to other areas of your life together. However, you also said that she feels bad that she can't go down on you, which implies to me that she does care about your pleasure, and probably gets you off in other ways to make up for the fact that she doesn't like to perform oral sex. In this situation, if you take advantage of her feeling bad and guilt her into changing because it's 'normal thinking' to change if you feel bad, that would be extremely manipulative behaviour on your part, because you'd be pressuring her into something non-consensual. Look at Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent for more on that.

One way forward would be to ask your girlfriend what acts she is interested in doing instead, and see if they interest you too. Try filling out this checklist together to figure out what acts are on or off the table during sex, and what other things you could do that are acceptable and pleasurable for the both of you: Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Checklist. Also, another user once messaged us with a similar issue, so you may find it helpful to look at our response to that user, here: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... ve_me_some. At the end of the response, our founder Heather says that if it is an absolute dealbreaker that you don't get to receive oral sex, it's valid to break up and look for other people who may be into performing oral sex, because after all, we have a right to want what we want, and oral sex may just be integral to your sexual relationships. So that's something to consider as well.

I realize that this is a lot of information, so feel free to take your time going through it, and let me know if you have any questions.