Scarleteen

Hi! Thank you so much!

Basically I think I need ways to recognize that my friends (and everyone I know, really) are still my friends, when they say something homophobic or something else I don't agree with at all and makes me very disheartened, like, how could you , a person I like so much, say this? I don't want to think this, otherwise I would think it at least once every day and I can't handle that!

Also (and I think this might be more what I need than what I said above), how do I deal with any bad statement then and there? Like if my friend imitates "a gay British person" what do I say that isn't shouting at her across the badminton court (when this actually happened my sister and I kind of shouted) but gets the point across? Are there articles here about that?

And how do I counter the point "everyone has different opinions and one opinion isn't more correct" when it's not just an opinion, it's someone being sexist or homophobic?

I just want to start off by saying, what you're going through shows you are so compassionate and caring, so kudos to you! Being an empathetic person who cares about others and about social justice can be hard at times. Whether you are okay with staying quiet to avoid arguments, or with arguing with your friends and potentially losing some, is entirely up to you - there is no perfect answer. But! There is definitely an in-between, too. And for some people, having friends who say homophobic/similar things is okay as long as they're called out on it and open to conversation about it. For other people, their mental peace comes first and they choose to not be friends with people who have different opinions. Or other people are okay with it and don't want to argue, so they just let their friends have their own opinions. None of these is right or wrong and it's you who decides what feels right, which will come with time, too.

It sounds like you're wanting to find a good medium. My personal advice is to start by putting a pin on conversations when it isn't the best time (like on a badminton court, where you have to yell) and bring it up calmly later on. You can say, "I am not accusing you of being homophobic, but ____ that you did/said made me feel uncomfortable," and you can explain why. This way they don't feel attacked and they understand you're expressing how their comments made you FEEL. Any friend who doesn't care about your feelings might not be a great friend.

Also, you're absolutely right, sexism/homophobia/racism/etc is not an "opinion". You can be okay with your friends having a different opinion on something that doesn't directly affect/hurt human rights, of course. But if their "opinion" goes against your basic values then it's okay to draw a line there and decide to walk away or to call them out even if it leads to an argument. If staying quiet makes you feel uncomfortable, you don't have to! Don't let anyone make you feel like it's wrong to stand up against bigotry.

Thank you for telling me all those reactions are fine and I can choose what I want to do! I've been confused about these things. I will try to use these from next time!

You're welcome! Best of luck <3