Trust Issues

[Somesh mohanty]

Hii,

In my last post i was talking about making my sex choices but i found i am really not ready yet. Upon pondering i found that i have trust issues. I am like questioning each and every thing in a negative way.

I explained my situation to my partner that I can be involved in only those acts which do not really have a pregnancy risk (as per Scarleteen articles). She agreed. Yet i feel like i dont trust her. I feel like what if she touches her vagina with any fluid accidentally even though i know such scenarios with manual fingering does not result in pregnancy. I feel like what if she does not wash her hand properly or does not wash her hand at all.

What is wrong with me?

[Carly]

Hey Somesh -- I don't think there's anything wrong with you. Making decisions like this and maintaining our boundaries can be stressful on its own, but I imagine there is even more added stress because pregnancy is often quite altering. We can help you sort how you're feeling out. It sounds like some of this is directed at your partner specifically, even though she has agreed to do sexual activities that are low/no pregnancy risk in step with your boundaries. Is there something that's happened or something she has said that makes you believe that she would intentionally try to get pregnant?

[Somesh mohanty]

Hi Carly,

She has not done anything nor has said anything that would make me believe she would intentionally try to get pregnant. She is equally cautious to not to get pregnant and equally responsible for our safety.

But she is quite childish and jolly in nature for which i sometimes think of her as careless. It's wrong to judge her like this and she has never done a careless thing as far as i know. I have talked to her on this and she has said that she is jolly but not irresponsible. I felt bad for doubting on her.

She won't intentionally do. But it's my brain which makes me think what if she unknowingly touches her vagina and becomes pregnant. I know pergnancy cant happen like this. But what do i do? How can i program my brain to trust her? It has all happened after my recent pregnancy scare. I am doubting on everyone and everything.

Please help me out.

[Elise]

Hi these Somesh,

Sorry to hear that you are experiencing a lot of anxiety around this at the moment. I am glad to hear you were able to have an open conversation about this with your girlfriend, so that you both are on the same page with regards to sex and risk.

With anxieties, sometimes even when we have the information, this doesn't mean that the feelings or worries will go away straight away, or on their own. The thoughts where we keep imagining things that "could" happen even if they aren't possible, can be called "catastrophising", sometimes when go through a really stressful experience (like a pregnancy scare), our brain can go into overdrive trying to stop it happening again, and starts to imagine situations to avoid, however when these are not based in fact and won't leave us, then they are unhelpful.

Giving yourself time to further recover from the stressful experience and reassure yourself that you and your partner together have the correct information about how pregnancy works and how to be safe together (which you do) can help, as can talking to a therapist about dealing with anxiety and these intrusive thoughts, as they can give you some techniques/tools to help you address them when they arise. For quick reference, Urna provided a list of providers in your region, in this post.

Here are also some online worksheets and tools that you may find useful:

• e-couch Anxiety & Worry program An online, self-directed training program which provides interactive self-help and evidence-based information, which was developed and evaluated over 10 years by researchers at the Australian National University.
• Anxiety self-help guide A self-help guide for anxiety that uses cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), provided by the NHS (the National Health Service in the UK)