feeling undeserving

[dollparties]

hello again! i feel like i should apologize for having so many questions to post about all the time. so i am sorry! my goal isn’t to overwhelm or be irritating.

as for this post, i guess i wanted to ask for advice on feelings of being undeserving or unworthy of a relationship? while i’m not explicitly with this person, we spend time together every week, and we have sex and go on dates. i’m okay with the lack of clear label most times, it’s just something we haven’t really stopped to talk about. he’s so kind to me and it makes me feel like i don’t deserve this.
he’s done so many small things that are so sweet and it makes me feel almost guilty? whenever we have a good time, i can’t help but think about how i don’t deserve it. him wiping my makeup off for me, or resting his head on my lap, or getting shampoo everywhere in an attempt to help me wash my hair, or telling me i look amazing when i change my appearance. these are all such fond moments in my head, but they come with this terrible sense of guilt. i feel like i haven’t done anything to deserve someone who’s sweet to me, and that i’m just kind of leeching on his kindness, if that makes sense? like i’m a bad person for wanting to be with him like this.
he’s never done anything to reinforce these thoughts, although i’ve also never talked to him about it. he’s not the kind of person who stays around out of feelings of obligation or guilt, though, so deep down i know that i DO deserve this, even if it’s just because he thinks so. but it can be difficult to recognize that for me, sometimes. i’m not sure if this makes a lot of sense, i apologize.

[Sofi]

Hi dollparties,
Don't apologize for posting, it's what we're here for! You aren't being irritating, I promise.
I'm sorry you've been feeling undeserving of the love/affection you're receiving, that can be a hard thing to shake off. The truth is, as you said yourself, he clearly thinks you're deserving and worthy - that says a lot! While we shouldn't place our worth on anyone else, it does help us feel more worthy when someone WANTS to treat us well. It's also entirely up to him whether *to him* you are deserving, regardless of how you view yourself, so that's important to keep in mind too when you work through these feelings. You're working through them for yourself.
One thing I'll suggest is actually having a conversation with him (although that may sound contradicting to what I just said), it never hurts to express your feelings to your partner (even if you don't have a label at the moment) and hear his side of it. It might give you some reassurance and some good affirmations, as well as getting these thoughts out so you're not feeling this way on your own. He sounds very supportive and caring, so if you feel comfortable enough, it's a good idea to share how you feel with him.
I also wanted to ask, if you want to share, has there been an experience before that made you feel undeserving or unworthy? Do you know where these feelings might originate from?

[dollparties]

hi sofi! thank you so much for such a quick response (and my apologies for such a delayed one- i’m always working or with him nowadays :)).
you’re definitely right, saying it’s up to him to decide whether or not i deserve how he treats me, and i don’t want to sound like i doubt his judgement. on one hand, i feel beyond honoured and overjoyed that he wants to spend all this time with me and be with me, but on the other, i feel guilty for like… feeling happy, maybe? i don’t think it’s very logical, really. i just don’t want to ruin our relationship because i can’t cope with the idea of being this important to someone.
this might be a semi important update- we talked about it over this weekend, and apparently he had been operating under the assumption that we were in a defined relationship and that i also knew this. i’m not upset- it was funny, honestly! but we discussed it more, and i’m more comfortable properly calling him my boyfriend, i think.
anyhow, i briefly brought this up to him this weekend, and he said he could kind of tell i was feeling this way (“you apologize for kissing me sometimes”) but didn’t want to ‘call me out’ so to speak because he knows i have severe anxiety. he was worried about making me feel put on the spot or like i had done something wrong. but it was a reassuring conversation, and it probably won’t completely rid me of these feelings, but it really did help.
also- i definitely have had previous relationships that impact the way i think and feel about relationships now, and i haven’t really had a relationship before this where i could genuinely be myself without ‘performing’ or people pleasing the whole time. (he asked me that this weekend. if this was my first relationship i wasn’t completely putting up a front, and it hadn’t even hit me before he asked, really.) so i think it’s part past experience, part fear of something new, and part mental health related.

[Sam W]

Hi dollparties,

Thanks for those updates!
I'm glad to hear you two are communicating about all this! And if it helps to hear, you do deserve to be in a relationship where you feel happy.

If you've had relationships in the past where you felt like you were having to perform or put up a front, I can see how that might contribute to those feelings of being undeserving. If you've mainly experienced dating as, "I have to hide parts of myself in order to deserve a partner" finding a partner where you don't have to do that could almost leave you feeling like there's some sort of "catch" you need to be watching out for.

[dollparties]

thank you so much sam! having someone who does seem to like me and has never acted ashamed about it is very new to me, but not unpleasant. :)

i definitely think in my head sometimes i am still waiting for the “catch” or the part where he goes “well, you’re actually kind of embarrassing/irritating”. at the same time, he’s a very straightforward person (which is good for both of us- i’m as dense as can be sometimes lol) and i know if there was anything like that, he would have made me aware of it by now. the fact that our relationship is, as far as i can see, healthy, is almost unsettling to me? which sucks. i don’t like this feeling. i like him a lot and i know i deserve a healthy relationship, but in my head it’s like “you don’t even deserve this, you deserve to be with someone terrible like you”. which is silly. i’m not terrible. i’ve worked very hard to better myself as a person every single day, and i’m still learning, but i’m certainly not terrible. i don’t know if this makes sense. sorry

[Sam W]

It does make sense; when we're used to a lot of negative self talk OR a lot of negative talk coming from those around us, it can be really hard to shut off that inner monologue about how you must not deserve the good thing that's going on in your life.

You mentioned upthread that you know at least part of this is tied to mental health things. Are you currently seeing a therapist or someone you could talk about these feelings with? Or have you learned techniques in the past for dealing with negative or intrusive thoughts that might help you out now?

[dollparties]

absolutely! crappy past relationships kind of leave me waiting for the moment where i learn it’s not that they like me, it’s that they want sex(which isn’t necessarily a bad thing! It has just been a pattern of realizing that’s all someone wants without being upfront about it) or they pity me, or something. but i don’t think he’s ever wavered from telling me he likes ME (even when i’m purposely being a nuisance and going “oh my god! you LIKE ME??”).

unfortunately i’m not presently seeing a therapist or anything similar (due to time and money issues), but i have in the past, as well as going through DBT… twice. i’d say i do have a good amount of techniques to help me with these feelings, it just can be hard for me to remember sometimes. that, or i struggle with “no! this isn’t my BPD! he really hates me, i know it this time!” (it’s always the BPD :’))