I'm having weird reactions to porn

[belled]

I’m a college freshman, and in my previous semester, I developed strong feelings for a girl who didn’t like me back. Even though she didn’t do anything wrong, I still felt really upset about it because she was my first non-celebrity crush. While I was trying to get over her, I started casually watching some porn videos, but I had some strange reactions to them and I’m not sure if it’s normal. I had seen two or three brief porn clips earlier in the year and they didn’t really affect me either way, but now I’m starting to have really weird feelings about it.

I instantly found that I don’t like male/female porn because as a lesbian, the naked men made me squeamish. It’s just not for me at all. So I started watching male/female sex scenes in TV shows (like Bridgerton). These scenes felt much more comfortable because everything looked romantic and elegant, and it felt less crude because there weren’t close-up shots of genitals. I really started to enjoy these shows, but as I kept watching them, I found myself getting a little too invested in them. I started feeling jealous of the guys in the scenes, even though it’s all fictional. (Weirdly enough, I was never jealous of the women, even though they’re all ridiculously beautiful). I felt frustrated that these fictional people were getting some while I was just lying around in my dorm room with no life.

I also tried lesbian porn, but most of the stuff I could find was for the “male gaze” (made for men with lesbian fetishes instead of actual lesbians). All the girls looked like the Kardashians (I prefer slightly androgynous girls with natural boobs) and everything felt really unrealistic, like a low-budget movie with bad actors. Almost every video looked like two straight women pretending to be lesbians and doing a really bad job at it. So I started looking for lesbian movies because I thought they might be more realistic (and therefore sexier). But there’s a real shortage of lesbian movies with sex scenes that are explicit enough to turn me on and don’t feel like they’re written for the male gaze. (There’s a really good Korean movie called The Handmaiden that checks off both boxes for me, but I can only watch it so many times). So anyway, I can’t really connect with lesbian content. I used to really enjoy watching lesbian movies that don’t have explicit sexual content, but now these movies just feel unexciting to me because I keep waiting for a sex scene that never comes.

Finally, I started looking for porn that doesn’t necessarily involve sex (e.g. photos of models in sexy outfits). I’ve found that this actually works decently because there are no men in the pictures and the male gaze isn’t always as prominent). But I can’t help feeling kind of guilty about this because it feels like I’m crossing the women’s boundaries. I’m a really passionate feminist and I don’t want to be objectifying women, even if these pictures have been taken consensually. I’ve always believed that wearing sexy clothes does not give people the right to objectify you, and I feel like I’m violating my own beliefs.

Anyway, I guess I just feel kind of weird about it. I talked to a few of my close friends about it and they said that they’ve never experienced these feelings. I don’t even know what kind of advice I’m asking for at the moment; I just feel really confused and I thought that maybe writing things out would help things make more sense.

[Sam W]

Hi belled,

Honestly, I think more people's experiences with porn are similar to yours than is really talked about. The narrative that's often presented is either people are indiscriminately into it or are completely repulsed by it, which doesn't take into account he diversity of people's actual preferences and reactions when it comes to sexual media.

With the photos in particular, it may help to remember that thinking about a model (or an actor, or a person you see on the street) in a way that's mainly about using them as a sexual object to help you fantasize or masturbate isn't in and of itself a problem. The problem comes if we start treating people--either that person or the gender they belong to--as if they only exist for our sexual gratification, which isn't something you're doing. Does that make sense?

[belled]

Hi belled,

Honestly, I think more people's experiences with porn are similar to yours than is really talked about. The narrative that's often presented is either people are indiscriminately into it or are completely repulsed by it, which doesn't take into account he diversity of people's actual preferences and reactions when it comes to sexual media.

With the photos in particular, it may help to remember that thinking about a model (or an actor, or a person you see on the street) in a way that's mainly about using them as a sexual object to help you fantasize or masturbate isn't in and of itself a problem. The problem comes if we start treating people--either that person or the gender they belong to--as if they only exist for our sexual gratification, which isn't something you're doing. Does that make sense?

Thank you so much for your reply! This makes me feel so much better and less weird.

I think I'm going to engage more with photos than videos in the future because I feel like videos stir up a lot of awkward feelings that interfere with the main purpose (feeling sexually satisfied). As for the photos, you're totally right - I've found that I feel less weird about it if I use pictures of celebrities I know and admire rather than just pictures of random models I don't know personally. The celebrities' hotness is only one of the many things I like about them, so it doesn't feel like I'm totally objectifying them. Once again, thank you for your help!

[Heather]

Also, just a reminder that your sexual imagination has more to work with than just visuals of any kind. Not only does none of this actually have to be media other people create, period -- as in, your own imagination can really be a very fertile place, one where you get to paint the picture and write the scripts completely -- but it might be worth thinking about how to engage senses besides just your eyes when it comes to all this. Sex and sexuality are whole-body, all-sensory experiences, and limiting them to just what we see and hear, even when the media is better than you're finding, can sometimes itself be a huge limitation. Smells, textures, tastes, sounds separate from narrative (and for that matter, words separate from visuals) -- all also options or things someone can add to both expand your experience, but also to make this whole thing less one-dimensional and objectifying.