I don't really get crushes

[BeepBoop]

Hiii

Just a little bit of backstory, I started dating a girl last May, and she broke up with me in August. I was really quite sad for about 3 months but I'd like to think I'm mostly over it by now. The reason was that she felt like she couldn't be in a relationship.These things happen, I guess.

Since then I've been asked out by two other girls but I didn't feel anything for either of them so I said no. My problem is that I'm not really attracted to anyone right now. As a matter of fact, I've only ever felt attracted to 2 girls my entire life, both of whom I've dated.

To make matters worse, I want affection. I want to be cared for and cuddled, and I want to do the same to my partner. I also want to kiss and make love and do all that stuff people do. It's just that I don't really want anyone right now.
I don't know, this doesn't really seem like a big problem, but I feel as though I'm wasting my last year in high school in this weird state.

I still kind of like the girl that broke up with me, but I don't think she likes me back. She lost her mom to covid this October. She said she wants to be close friends, but at first when I asked to spend time together she said no, so eventually I stopped asking and tried to move on. The weird thing is that lately she wants to talk over text until 1-2 am in the weekend, like we did when we were together, which is kind of confusing, because we had stopped talking so late.

[Carly]

Hey BeepBoop -- I'm sorry it's been feeling difficult recently. There have been times in my life where I felt the exact same way: I was just out of a relationship, I wanted to date and be intimate with other people, but I wasn't really attracted to anyone I knew or meeting anyone I wanted that with. Rather than trying to find ways to force it to happen, I took a break and spent some time learning about myself and trying new hobbies. I felt like spending time with myself that way was really worth it. Would maybe trying something like that make you feel less like you're wasting your last year of high school? What kinds of things could you use your time doing?

Also, I can see how this situation with the girl that broke up with you is confusing. If you were to tell her you're confused and why, do you think she'd want to talk about it? Would you feel comfortable doing that?

[BeepBoop]

I've actually talked to her about it. I told her it confuses me that we talk at night again, or that sometimes we might not. She said that it's okay not to talk every night, and I do agree with her. Though, she remained oddly silent about why she wants to again, which is itself confusing. In a way I think she only wants me from afar, just text, where it's safe.

I guess I feel a little weird about her. I haven't treated her that well these past few months, occasionally asking for space or at times to talk more. Though some time a few weeks ago, when we were talking over text, she asked me what sort of relationship I wanted with her, and I replied that I didn't know. I really don't know what I want at this point. On one hand, she's proved to me time and time again that It's a bad idea to attempt anything close to a relationship for so many reasons. As sweet as she may be, she has a hard time communicating what she wants, she's hurt me by continually rejecting my attempts at friendship and she hurt me when we broke up. But on the other hand, I want to be supportive and understanding because she lost her mom, and I still kind of like her.

This is a little weird but when I masturbate I cant help but sometimes think of her, and the things we used to do together. In a way, I think I'm starved of that kind of attention, and I rather unhealthily latch onto those memories.
When that happens, I always end up feeling quite guilty afterwards, because I tell myself that she hates me or that she doesn't like me back.

As for focusing on myself, I've been exercising more than I used to these past few months, which is pretty nice. Unfortunately I don't have much time to do all sorts of activities due to school. Other than that I've tried to spend time with some friends, which didn't really work out, because from the looks of it nobody wants nor has time to spend with me. I wasn't ever really into friendships from a young age, opting to stay alone most of the time, and the rest I spent wanting to have friends who wanted me.

I know some of this isn't relationship related, but it's nice to vent. I don't think I could ever say half of this to a friend, so it's been helpful. Thanks

[Siân]

Hi BeepBoop,

You're right that it's confusing when you ask someone directly what they want and they don't respond. It sounds like neither of you are in a great place right now to be rebuilding your romantic relationship, though it is definitely nice to have someone to speak to and feel connected with.

You've talked a bit here about not feeling like you have a lot of close friendships. Friendships are also an important kind of relationship and definitely one we talk about a lot here at Scarleteen! One thing that I think is hard sometimes, is when your romantic relationships are your main source of affection, connection and love - that makes it doubly awful when one ends and suddenly you're without those things. Does that sound familiar?

You mentioned not feeling like you have a lot of friends right now, having spent a lot of time alone. Can you tell me more about that?

[BeepBoop]

Hey,

I think the problem is that I want something more than what friends can offer in terms of affection. I've quite a few friends that I hug on a regular basis, most being female, and it's alright. I suppose I did depend on my ex for physical affection a lot too though, so what you're talking about does sound something I've experienced.

I think not having many friends isn't really that true for me. I have a lot of people that I talk to on a regular basis at school, but around 5 or so that I talk to online as well. In a way, I'd like to have friends closer to me, that value my time and like my company. I've had friends tell me they like my company and all, but when it comes down to it, they don't really pick me to hang out at all. I've spoken with an adult I trust about this problem too, basically the answer was: "you'll find people that you connect with more in university, there aren't that many new people for you to meet here, and since it's the last year of highschool there is very little time to build new friendships anyway" (we live in a rural area)

I think I've found myself in this situation with friends before, kind of an outcast. Most times I end up being an afterthought because other people are better friends and like to spend time alone. I could technically ask people to spend time with me, and I have in the past, but to this day they haven't asked me again and I don't want to start a one sided friendship.
(I'm referring to a specific example. I can ask other people as well, but I'm afraid I'll get rejected again or that I won't have any fun)
I understand the way I think about it is from a defeatist point of view. I haven't really found anyone that I can point my finger at and say, you're my best friend, or I want to be around you a lot. ( I've only ever felt that way about my ex-es)

I've talked to a few of my friends (and my ex, since she said she wanted to be friends?) about how I feel regarding my friendships all together, and they all kind of tried to be supportive, but none of them offered to do something. It's kind of sad actually, that I opened up to them about it and they did nothing. Sometimes I think that I'm just repulsive to be around, and that everyone just tells me otherwise to make me feel better.

I asked a friend of mine to go on a walk earlier this week and she agreed, for about a week from now. We didn't really say an exact date, though I don't really want to mention it again because I'm not that desperate.

[Sofi]

Honestly, what you're feeling is something I can relate to, a lot. I've been through the same thing where I felt I had friends, but no close friends that would be there for me when I really need them, or who actually enjoy hanging out with me 1:1. Sometimes just having 'friends' doesn't feel like enough, and we don't want to bother or annoy our friends to hang out and risk seeming desperate or end up in a one-sided friendship as you mentioned. I hate to say it, but some of the things the adult you talked to said are pretty much true - when you're in university/out of high school, you're more likely to find people that you have more in common with and connect with better. I know it's not what you want to hear, but I want to give you the most honest answer. That's not to say it's hopeless to try now, of course. I think it's worth pursuing some friendships further and risking "seeming desperate", because often we don't actually seem desperate at all, but our minds overthink the situation and anxiety makes us feel that way. Odds are, your friends are just busy - or, some of them might be feeling the same way! I think it's also good to find enjoyment in spending time with yourself, and I'm glad you're getting a chance to vent about all this on here with us. I'm reminded of an article we have on the site called How To Actually Date Yourself that gives you some prompts to think/write about that might be helpful for you, if you're into that sort of thing (if you don't enjoy journaling you could just think about them!) If you click the article name, it'll take you to it. Let me know if it helped and/or you have any questions about it?