Am I Aromantic?

[rocko]

I currently identify as greyromantic and androromantic but I think I may be somewhat fully aro although I’m not sure. I’ve had a bunch of crushes growing up that would pass quickly or last a few years. I thought they were physically attractive and I even wanted to be friends with some of them but no more than that. I could develop new ones and get rid of old ones at will but it seems like most people have trouble getting over crushes. I never thought of them outside of school, never wanted to go on dates with them, the thought of having sex with them never crossed my mind (I’m asexual) which I now know is a normal thing people do. I never got jealous when they hugged any girls or anything— I really didn’t care. Looking back on it now I don’t think I had an emotional attachment or romantic feelings for any of them. I thought some of them were cool and I wanted us to be friends and others I wanted nothing to do with. I’d prefer to eat Wendy’s and watch youtube rather than waste my time daydreaming about a crush. I hope that doesn’t seem too harsh. Does this sound aromantic to you? I’m just wondering because I don’t really know myself. I didn’t miss any of them during quarantine. I’m also kind if worried that I may never have another crush again because it feels that way. There are three guys I find cute physically and personality wise but I don’t really feel anything towards them. I don’t want this to be a problem in the future because I want to have a boyfriend sometime soon. What if I don’t have romantic feelings for him? Sorry that my thoughts are all scattered, I just wanted to get them out there.

[Sam W]

Hi Rocko,

The tricky thing is, you're ultimately the expert on your own feelings an identity. So while we can certainly offer some thoughts, in the end you're the one who gets to decide what labels feel right to you right now.

What you're describing about crushes actually sounds like a really common experience of them. While some people do have really intense crushes that last years and years, plenty of people have experiences similar to yours, where those crushes come and go pretty quickly and never got beyond, "oh, they're cute." Too, you mention the three guys now who you like physically and personality-wise. What, in your mind, keeps those feelings from counting as romantic?

Since you mention a future boyfriend, is that something you actively really desire? Or is it more something you feel like you "should" have?

[rocko]

The reason I don’t really feel like my feelings aren’t romantic is because I compared my experience with others that have had feeling for their crushes and theirs aren’t so shallow I guess. I don’t really want to get to know them or be in a relationship with them. I asked my friend today identifies as aromantic and she talked with me about it. We discussed how I didn’t feel anything even though some of old crushes liked me back and how I wasn’t hurt when they had a girlfriend. Really the only way for me to know is by comparing my situation with others. You said you could offer me some thoughts, what would they be?
I don’t actively desire a boyfriend but I think it would be cool because he could be my best friend for life. I know you can have a best friend for life and not be in relationship with them like that but the idea seems cool. I hate the idea of kissing though. But other than that the idea if having s boyfriend seems cool.

[Elise]

Hi there rocko, it can be good to remember that as there is a real spectrum of being aro, as you allude to in your first post. It is totally okay to have a feeling of where you are roughly on the spectrum and what you feel okay with and not for now, and not have to specifically define it. Also, it's okay see how you feel relationship-to-relationship, as to how you'd like to relate to that person, and define your relationship, what "boyfriend" might mean to you.

I am going to put some links here that you might find useful to inform your thinking, if you feel comfortable, please let us know any thoughts or questions that arrive after you read them:

• Should I consider myself ace/aro, or keep holding out for attraction?
• The Answers (for Now)
• Q is for Questioning
• The AVEN forums could also be a great place for you to connect with other ace and aro-spec folks and hear about their lived experiences: AVEN Forums