Fear of Having Vaginismus

[rocko]

I don’t really think of my sexual problems often but I had a dream yesterday that provoked it. I didn’t think much of it then but now I’ve had time to think about it and I’ve come to terms with my fear of having vaginismus. Not vaginismus itself and the fear of penetration but the fear of having the physical attributes of vaginismus. I made a post in this forum a few months ago talking about my problems with being unable to finger myself or put in a tampon, and overall being unfamiliar with my body. I was completely dry every time and my hand went limp every time I tried. It seems like there was a mental— and maybe physical— blockage that prevented me from being able to push my finger in. I couldn’t even get through the entrance. There was a wall and it wasn’t my hymen. I tried to work on it but nothing changed so I’ve just accepted it won’t happen for a long while. Now I’m thinking of maybe having a boyfriend soon and its only amplified how I feel about my problem. I’m scared for the time we have to do sexual things and I can’t really do them with him since I can’t even do them alone. Most people would assume I’d know how to do these things at my age since most others already are, but I can’t. I also fear I may ruin the experience for him or his self esteem because I’m asexual so I don’t get wet like other people do. I don’t want to disappoint him by not being able to have sex with him when he could be in a normal relationship without these problems. I know it’s really not this serious when I’m not even in a relationship and I’m just worrying about the future. It’s just been on my mind since I had the dream and I don’t want my fears to come true in the future.

[Sam W]

Hi Rocko,

I'm sorry your body is stressing you out in that way. Before we try to troubleshoot, can I ask if you've had a check-up with a sexual healthcare provider where you've talked about that feeling that there's a blockage? And if it helps to know, being ace in and of itself isn't a barrier to lubrication; and if you're someone who tends towards the drier end regardless of how turned on you are, store bought lube can be a major help to you.

When you think about this hypothetical relationship, do you feel excited or interested at the possibility of having sex with another person. Or is it more that you feel you'd have to have sex, even though you yourself don't actually desire it?

[rocko]

No I’ve never been to a sexual healthcare provider before. And I don’t think I can buy lube because I’m a minor.
I mean I’m not excited when thinking about having sex. I wouldn’t really want to do it. Ideally I would have sex once every 2-3 weeks to satisfy my partner and my libido. I don’t think I would mind that much if it was on okay day and an okay time. I do want to try it out just because I have some kinks I want to try but really nothing more than that. I don’t really desire having sex I guess.

[Elise]

Hi there rocko, as Sam mentioned, going to a sexual healthcare provider is a good idea if you're feeling that there might be a physical factor at play, even just to put your mind at ease. Is there a Planned Parenthood in your area? We can also assist with referrals if you're comfortable with telling us where in the US you are (if you'd prefer not to on the forum but okay to in a private chat, we can organise that).

Also with lube, it is legal for you to buy it at your age, just like condoms, there is no restriction on buying them in the US. It is sold in supermarkets etc. if you're feeling worried that a cashier might refuse to sell it to you or be judgemental, you should be able to take it through a self check out, no worries. Do you have access to your own debit card or cash? You can also get free samples at Planned Parenthood.

Here is an article that includes the basics of the different kinds: [url=https://www.sc!arleteen.com/article/bodies/lube_101_a_slick_little_primer]Lube 101: A Slick Little Primer[/url].

When it comes to the idea of having sex with a partner, it sounds like you would also get something out of it, but don't feel a deep "want" for sex or spontaneous sexual attraction, but don't find the idea distressing? Is that a correct interpretation of what you are saying? Have you accessed any resources around communicating what sexual acts you'd like to try/not want to try/do? This is really important to staying safe, and also to avoid being in a situation that could cause you distress. If you'd like us to provide some resources around this, please let us know.

[rocko]

If you could refer me to a Planned Parenthood in my area I’d really appreciate that, my postal code is 07666. I don’t have a debit card but I do have cash. How much do you think an appointment would cost? And can I attend one without a parent knowing about it? And yes I would say your interpretation is correct. I’m sex positive and feel like I’d be somewhere in between sex favorable and sex neutral depending on how I’m feeling. I forgot to mention I’m sort of genital repulsed so maybe that has an effect on how I’m feeling. I don’t really feel like I’m that repulsed to my own genitals. And what sort of resources do you mean when talking about communicating about sexual acts? I’ve read articles here on Scarleteen about consent, sexual readiness and other things. Can you provide some resources please?

[Heather]

Most care at Planned Parenthood is sliding scale, rocko, based on your own (not your parents) income. You can call the clinic and talk to them to get an estimate before you go if you like.

This looks like the closest one to you: https://www.plannedparenthood.org/healt ... tion=07666

In NJ, you absolutely can go without a parent's permission or notification and get an exam. However, you may or may not have protection against notification: that is something else you will want to ask when you call about an appointment.

Some other resources around sexual communication you might not have seen here include:
• This zine: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/rela ... een_zine_0
• Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist
• Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
• A Disabled Persons Guide to Talking with Your Partner(s) About Sex (Whether or not you're disabled, there are some excellent tips in here for everyone)