Scarleteen

Hello! I'm 23 and just started seeing a urologist for what she thinks is an overactive bladder, and I'm going to start pelvic floor PT for it next month. She's confident that it's a fixable issue, but it's going to take some time. I leak a little bit at various points throughout the day, so I'm always wearing some toilet paper or pads.

I'm gay and have a girlfriend, and last time I had sex with her and was receiving I felt like I was going to urinate and I asked her to stop, and she did. She now knows about my incontinence issues, and we haven't had sex since. She's not acting weird about my issues- we just haven't, and I don't know how to bring up having sex again. I'm:

• really embarrassed that I'm literally 23 years old and having this issue (feeling lots of shame, even though I know it's not like it's my fault or anything),

• not feeling sexy at all, and

• scared to not be able to control it and end up accidentally peeing during sex, especially if it's oral.

I just don't know how to start a conversation about this with her, or how to navigate my feelings around this.

Hi discoveringme,

It's okay to be feeling a little frustrated or embarrassed right now; that can happen when our body decides to do something that feels like it's working against the things we want. Do you have a sense of what that shame you're feeling is connected to? Too, it may help to keep in mind that plenty of young adults are dealing with some kind of medical issue that they're, "too young" for. But because of how we culturally talk about things like age and disability, those experiences aren't as commonly talked about.

As far as talking with your girlfriend about this, would it be helpful for the two of you to talk about ways you can be sexual together that minimize the chances of mess or that allow for mess to happen in a way that you're okay with? Or do you think you want to take a pause from sexual activity for a bit and want to talk with her about that?