Long distance relationship 😕

[Bubblegumkid]

I'm a 17 year old girl dating a 18 year old guy. We've known each other for 8 months but we've officially been dating for 4 months. Before we officially started dating , we would kiss and tell one another that we like each other(basically it was like we were dating) but then i a girl at my school told me they were vibing (they were a casual thing) when i asked him about it he lied to me and fabricated screenshots(with the girl) to help convince me of his lie. When i found out he tried to explain (told me him and the girl met before i was in the picture but he wasn't doing anything with her, he just didn't tell either of us about each other) i reaeeelly loved him (i still do) so i forgave and trusted him to block her. On Christmas (last year) he invited me over, asked me if i was ready to have sex, i said yes but we didn't have full on penetrative sex. Do you think it's a good idea to lose my virginity to him? I mean he's leaving later on this year for varsity, we won't see each other for a loong time , what if he meets someone else? We try to talk ok a daily basis but often he's the one who's always busy (like today--it's been 5 hours since we've talked, he's probably with his friends ) i just feel like the communication will get worse, we'll fade out and it will be over just like that.

[Heather]

Hey again, bubblegumkid.

Why don't we start with this: what do you want from this relationship and this sexual experience? In listening to your fears and you talking here, it sounds to me like it's important to you to having this kind of first-time sex be something you do with someone you're in a relationship you can be pretty sure will stay ongoing, and is perhaps ideally still in person afterwards, not long-distance. But I think it'd be more helpful to hear you talk directly about what you want and need.

Rather than looking at this situation and its limitations, can you talk about what you actually want, as if there are no limitations? What do you want in a first-time intercourse experience, before, during and after? What do you need? What is most important to you? What are your dealbreakers?

[Bubblegumkid]

Hey Heather

I really want this relationship to work, this is my first time feeling in love in a relationship so it's very special too me so is the sexual experience. My virginity has always been a big deal so when i finally have sex i just want us both to enjoy ut (i understand i can't have high expectations for the first few times).

I want to have sex knowing we won't fade out. Honestly i don't expect much, i just want to feel loved and my body to feel loved. I'd just like him too touch me more before actually having sex (for arousal ) and for us too talk about the experience afterwards. So i can tell him if i like it or not and what i would change, same fir him. I'm struggling to convince myself to put my foot down to using protection, even though i know i should. I think a deal breaker is not using protection. I just wish someone would tell me what to do

[Sam W]

Hi Bubblegumkid,

Do you feel like you could communicate those wants and boundaries to him? And when you say you want you and your body to feel loved during sex, what does that look or sound like to you when you picture it?

Too, I think it's important to think about how you feel about the fact that there's no way for us, or anyone, to guarantee that the relationship won't fade out at some point after you have sex. If you two had sex and then he drifted away or ended things, or you decided to end them, while he's away, does that feel like something you could handle?

[Bubblegumkid]

Well for one I'm actually thinking of ending the relationship. I was feeling quite sad today and i actually wanted to call him, but like he just ghosted like he sometimes does (i know there might be a logical reason and i know he didn't know i was sad) but I'm actually over this . I hate feeling like I'm having too many high expectations when all i would like is for us to have proper conversations daily. Honestly it feels shitty, it makes me feel like I'm unimportant, i haven't seen him since Christmas but he can go out with friends. I'm currently having family problems (i call them issues I'm dealing with emotionally and mentally ) he doesn't really know this because anytime i tell him about a problem he'll just tell me about acceptance, about how i should accept things and it'll be better ( in his defence I've never told him i actually don't like it when he says that , and i guess he doesn't know the intensity of my emotions )but honestly even if he did i feel like he wouldn't understand, no has really. This is why most of my relationships have ended(i know I'm going off topic now but i feel i really need to vent) thing is even if i explain to people what I'm feeling, i just feel like they don't understand since they've never been through what I've been through (plus people experience things differently ) that's why I've never really opened up about my mental health. I feel the urge to type out a huge ass paragraph telling him how much i dislike how he's making me feel but, I'm really emotional right now so i don't want to do it and regret it later.

[Sam W]

All those things you're describing are totally valid reasons to end a relationship, or at the very least take a long, hard look about whether it's one you want to continue. I think it might help to take a look at this article to see if there are things in it that you recognize: Potholes & Dead Ends: Relationship Roadblocks to Look Out For.

Wanting regular communication or to feel like a priority in a partner's life are both okay things to want, and if this relationship isn't offering those, and he doesn't seem to be listening to you, those are all signs that it's not likely to last much longer.

You mention you're going through some tough mental health things right now. Are you getting any supports for that, whether from friends, family, or professionals? Would you like to talk about what's going on with us here?