I’m scared to lose her

[Max]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 months I’m 17 and she’s 15 about to be 16 recently it came to light she hadn’t been comfortable sexually with me for awhile because of something I didn’t realize I was doing.Apparently there was a few cases where I was trying to pleasure her and she kept pushing my hand away and I only stopped when she said no so this made her feel off towards me sexually and had become more reserved it also worsened when I confided into her I hate how I might have a rape fetish.(I hate myself a lot for this and never plan or have acted on it but it exists and I have to live with it)later on I had noticed she was getting more distant sexually but thought nothing off it.Well she talked to me last week about an open relationship and told me all that.I felt real shitty because I could barley remember doing it and it just makes me feel horrible for forcing her to handle that,I mean it got so bad for her that she started having dreams of me raping her.After all that was explained I asked if she had been cheating on me and turns out she’d been sending nudes to a guy behind my back.So I decided it’d be best to breakup for now.The next day she been explaining to me how sorry she was that this all happened and how sad she was and much distress she was in.I myself was in major distress but on vacation so I didn’t really have a way to handle it or process it also turns out the guy who she was sending nudes too couldn’t even have her cause his poly relationship rejected her.It hurt very much to know she was going to join a relationship straight after ending ours but apparently she wasn’t too keen he just sorta did it the second he knew I ended things with her.We both were doing horribly as a result of the breakup neither of us could eat without wanting to throw up I’m getting a handle on it but she’s been struggling.The same day we first saw each other again we ended up hugging and kissing so we decided to call and try and talk through our problems.She’s still unsure if she wants a relationship or if she wants to be single.But if we do stay together how can I help her with her sexual issues with me.I love her so damn much and want the best for her but I don’t know how to help her.She already has a therapist and such.

[Sam W]

Hi Max,

This sounds like such a tough situation, and I can tell how much you care about her. I do have to say that, given everything you're describing, it sounds like the kindest thing you can do for yourself and for her is to continue with the break-up and, if you want to keep supporting her, focus on being there for her as a friend instead of a partner. We can talk more about how to do that and what things--such as time apart or other boundaries--you may need to consider when reshaping your relationship if that would help you out.

The reason I recommend focusing on being her friend instead of continuing to date is that it sounds like she's not in space where she's ready to be in a romantic relationship with you--or maybe with anyone--right now. When someone is unsure if they want a relationship, that's a sign to give each other time and space, rather than to charge ahead with one. Too, the relationship with this other guy sounds very sketchy and like it's already causing her distress; if you care about her and want to support her, you'll be better positioned to do that as a friend than as a partner whose own desires and boundaries around your relationship with her feel at risk or keep getting pushed aside while she works out how to deal with that whole situation. Does that make sense? Just reading the things I've written so far, how are you feeling about all this?

[Max]

Honestly there’s abit more to it that I forgot to mention because I didn’t realize it was important to mention till now.Back before we started dating her and ex(not the one she sent nudes too this was before we met)were extremely close albeit long distance well they both had extremely bad self harm problems she left him for me in the first month of there relationship cause she realized she wasn’t in a good place with him at that moment I myself used to have a self harm problem that I’m still working through but have better control over.Over the course of our relationship I helped her get past her self harm problems and we eventually made a promise to never hurt ourselves again which we’ve kept.Honestly I was always kinda scared I would lose her to him because of how often she would talk about and just how she spoke about him kinda made me feel like she loved him more than me(I never said anything about my feelings here).All of this is relevant now because I found out the night before we met up again and kissed and hugged she was on call with her ex and said he and her thought they were gonna get back together again for a second they’ve both been clean of there self harm issues.I think she’s on call with him again at the moment too.I just kinda feel like her saying she’s unsure if she wants a relationship with me is just her trying to say she wants to be back with her ex and just trying not to hurt my feelings.But I also do agree that it most likely would be best for us to separate for now I’ll have to think on it for awhile.

[Sam W]

That detail is all really helpful! I will say that it sounds even more like what she needs is a friend and what you need is to be out of a romantic relationship where you feel insecure. If you want to talk about how to make that adjustment, or otherwise deal with the break-up, we're happy to have that conversation here.