Scarleteen

Hello!
Thanks very much for being here and providing such a beautiful, welcoming website!

My question is this: I am wondering if you could offer any research or thoughts on the impacts of dipping (smokeless tobacco use) as it pertains primarily to the oral/sexual health of the user's partner (secondhand impacts), as well as on sexual expression in general?

To give context, my partner and I are both in our early twenties. We've been friends for years and have been in the current iteration of our relationship for a few months now. To date, it has been a wonderful learning experience for both of us in terms of communication, boundaries, standing up for ourselves, building confidence, etc. My partner has severe dyslexia and is far more comfortable expressing himself physically (sexually and non-sexually) rather than verbally or in writing. We therefore have a very physical, very sexual relationship. We're both quite comfortable with our bodies, our communication, our sexuality (he's straight, I'm not), etc., however, our biggest challenge lies in the fact that my partner has struggled with a serious addiction to smokeless tobacco (chewing tobacco), which he developed around the age of 16-17 and which has gotten to the point of consuming a tin a day at minimum. We've been able to talk about this and figure out ways to support one another in dealing with this addiction. He has been able to quit for a few weeks at a time, several times, but so far he has not managed to quit for good (but that's the way things go, and neither of us is giving up.)

We do notice, however, that when he begins using again, it impacts our relationship. We become somewhat more physically distant - I struggle emotionally watching him dip, and am repulsed by the taste and odor, and by the fact that sometimes he bleeds from the mouth (obviously we don't kiss while he is bleeding, nor do we kiss when he has a wad of dip in his mouth), while he becomes self-conscious and struggles with shame and disappointment. However, I can tell when he is using again even before we talk about it primarily because I develop small sores in my own mouth. It is true that we likely have more physical contact (especially kissing) than some couples (far more contact than in any other relationship I've had) and I have always been very sensitive to changes in oral chemistry (e.g. acidic foods, etc) - but I do not commonly develop sores, and do not have them at all when he is not using.

I have not been able to find much information on this phenomenon or its implications for MY personal health - most web searches suggest that secondhand impacts of dipping are minimal. However, we're both healthy otherwise (we've had STD/STI tests, practice good oral hygiene, etc), and the timing of the development of these sores suggests to me that it must be more than coincidence. Is there any research to support this observation? What about any research on the impacts of chewing tobacco on sexuality/ intimacy in general?

Any information or sources you could provide would be greatly appreciated. (Our local resources are very limited.)

Muchísimas gracias,
Sage and Rain

Hi Sage and Rain,

This is probably something best discussed with a doctor; they'd likely have the most up to date information on secondhand chewing tobacco issues. I don't know of any specific research about this, but anecdotally I know that it's not unusual for couples where one person uses tobacco and another doesn't (and dislikes it) to have intimacy issues around that use.

However, since you are clearly having issues with oral sores when he's using it, that's really all the evidence you need to know that something's up. I don't know if it will cause long-term health issues, but you're seeing short-term ones so it makes sense to limit your contact during this time if you want. It's certainly ok to kiss him less often when he's using - you can present it as something you want to do to protect your health. It's his right to dip or not, but it's also your right to set whatever boundaries help keep you healthy and comfortable.