I hate touching myself but it feels too good

[Vivi]

I feel horrible when I masturbate. Like I'm disgusting and filthy and pathetic. The worst thing is, it feels GOOD. Like really, really good. I feel like I can't control myself from doing it, I just end up in bed touching myself AGAIN. I hate having a dumb teenage girl with a high libido, I'd happily trade it to someone who needs it.
I'm not even crying over a traumatic sexual experience, or pain. I just feel stupid and guilty and horrible. I know it's normal to do it, I do. Everywhere I read says masturbating is okay and fine and a normal healthy part of life and I know that, but I can't enjoy myself without crying. I don't know what happened. I used to enjoy it but I just can't anymore.
I honestly think there's something wrong with me now. Can somebody help?

[Urna]

Hello Vivi, and welcome to Scarleteen!

I'm sorry that you're having such intense feelings of shame and guilt around masturbation (which, you're right, is a completely normal, healthy, and pleasurable human experience). The first thing I want you to know is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, and that many people struggle similar feelings regarding masturbation and sexual pleasure in general. If you're ok with it, would you mind telling me why masturbating makes you feel disgusting?

[Vivi]

It's a lot of different things, I guess. It's kind of embarrassing? No, humiliating. Yep. That's the right word. Humiliating. I feel dirty. I can't really describe it. I want to scrub my hands until there's no trace of what I did. Nobody knows what I do and it's killing me internally. Imagine if anyone found out. How would they look at me then? I know masturbating is okay, but it's like it isn't. My parents would disown me if they knew.
And then there's my dignity. I know I'm probably the only one who worries about this in the entire world but still. I just can't, can't cope with the fact that I resort to things like this for a few minutes of pleasure, almost like a little kid or an animal. I should be able to control myself, not give in to my stupid horniness. And then I do. I should be above this. There are more important things to be doing, what did I even do to deserve this fun? I'm supposed to be Vivian. Unsentimental, sensible, logical Vivian who is responsible for the lives of her siblings, who never lets anything get in the way of her goals . So yeah. I feel disgusting.

[Sam W]

Hi Vivi,

Those are a lot of really intense feelings to direct towards yourself. So, let's do a little to unpack them, okay?

You know, I hear you worrying about what people would think if they found out you masturbate, and if I'm being honest, I actually think most people would shrug; yes, some people have weird or shaming beliefs about it, but way more people understand that it's just something people do. It sounds like your parents, however, are in that first category. Do they tend to say really negative things about sex/masturbation, or lay out very strict expectations about it when it comes to you?

As for those feelings about pleasure, I'm going to offer a little re-frame: there's nothing wrong or insensible about seeking out pleasure. And people don't have to reach some specific level of productivity to "deserve" those moments of fun and pleasure; we all deal with the stress and chaos and complexity of being alive, but that means we also get to embrace the opportunities for pleasure it offers.

Too, it can help to remember that seeking out pleasure isn't inherently something that gets in the way of your goals. In fact, it's something crucial to achieving them. Taking breaks, taking time to enjoy things, and doing things that help you de-stress of feel good keep you from burning out. Do you see what I'm getting at there?