Seeking out information/where to go from here

[Lucy4]

I am 28 years old. I have never been sexually active. I have never had a kiss or any kind of dating social interaction.
This is all entirely by choice. I do not plan to ever do any of these things and am very happy with my life. I do not feel ashamed or inadequate for it. The problem has been finding accounts of others like me. I have found a lot of articles and blog posts about people of all ages who haven't experienced the same things I haven't experienced, but mostly they seem to be written by people who are looking to experience those things someday, or if they aren't it's for a specific reason like being asexual, which due to some intuitive feeling, I know I'm not. I have found accounts of people who don't want to do those things, but discovered it by experiencing them already. We all have different combinations of stories and choices, none of which I thing are wrong or judge in any way and sometimes there are things I can relate to in these stories. Nobody's life stories are ever going to match perfectly. I still feel like there is more out there than what I've been Googling and what's in the mainstream blogging culture though. I don't really know what to call my situation or what subject would help narrow it down to more what I'm looking for in the way of internet searches, resources and ways of seeking out information.

[Sam W]

Hi Lucy4,

Since it sounds like asexuality doesn't feel like the right term for you, do you feel like a term like "celibate" fits better? And for you, is it that you experience sexual desire but have no interest in ever acting on it or on ever pursuing dates? Or is it more that there's no desire for it at all?

[Lucy4]

Hi,
I guess I would describe it as this: Most of what makes me happy in my life aside from relationships with family comes from inside my head. I'm sometimes attracted to people I see that I haven't met, but I feel contented with just that. I feel happy experiencing life from where I am. I could compare it to admiring a certain place in the world but not wanting to travel there because what you love about it doesn't have to do with actually being there or having respect for the work of an artist or public figure but not having a desire to meet them.

[Mo]

That makes a lot of sense! I think it's great that you know this about yourself.
I wonder if searching for something like "single/unpartnered by choice" would turn up any helpful results for you? It sounds like you're looking for other folks who are making the same deliberate choice, so focusing on the "choice" element may be of use.

[Lucy4]

I just gave it some thought and I think it comes down to this: There are definitely a lot of accounts of people being single by choice. Still, the people in them have chosen this path after having experienced something like dating or serious relationships. I can relate to enjoying a chosen lifestyle, but I feel there is a definite difference between what it's like to choose something after having had other experiences and having always lived never knowing what it was like to have any of those experiences. Putting that into words may sound like I really want those things or that I judge those who have had them or feel like I can't relate to them about anything, none of which is true. It's just that the world of people who know what something is like whether it's being sexually active a kiss or what it's like to date feels so big sometimes and because our culture assumes that people have done certain things by specific ages I feel nonexistent at times.
On the other end, the accounts of people who haven't had a specific experience are usually only written because they want to someday. I am part of the very small percentage of adults who have not experienced those things. Life especially in the adult world does feel different when you're surrounded by people who know what most of these are like that you don't and a culture that is very often built around "firsts" and ages for them. Relationships and sexual activity, romantic or casual take up a very large portion of what is talked about relating to growing up, being an adult, and living. The world does look different through the eyes of someone who doesn't know what it feels like to be physically intimate with anyone. For example, the idea of being as close to a person as one would being physically intimate is so foreign to me. It doesn't disturb me, but that's the one thing I feel very alone in the sense of. It's still widely assumed that "we all" know what these things are like. Accounts of people in my position don't focus on that aspect of it or if they do it's about longing to know what it's like. I guess I'm looking for any place online or in the world where people are talking about this, more as a cultural thing the way I've described it above.

[Elise]

Hi Lucy4, a curiosity to clarify, are you saying that you haven't come across folks who are asexual who haven't tried sexual things before to "work that out"? There are asexual/aromatic folks who haven't done things that way, so even if those labels don't feel right for you and your interior experience, you may find people who have faced similar issues with the prevailing cultural narratives around sex and relationships and felt erased by their oversimplification of the broad range of human experience, and in that sense, who have a similar perspective to you that you may feel a connection with in spaces that label themself as such.

Have you checked out the AVEN forums before? It might be a useful resource for you, as may their website, for the reasons described above. In fact, this poster here says in a post " I absolutely wouldn't like asexuality to be considered the only acceptable or thinkable reason for celibacy, or - starting from the other side - wouldn't want celibacy to be considered something possible only for asexuals... I do think that dismantling sex normativity is more important because it would be beneficial to everyone affected by it, whether asexual or not.". There are other similar conversations on there that I think may resonate with what you have said and you may find interesting, as the forums are not exclusively for people who identify as aro/ace (but importantly, are an affirming and safe space for aro/ace folks).

If you have any questions, thoughts or curiosities you would like to share on this we are of course happy to hear them, or if you would like some other resources please let us know.