Just needed to vent about this

[Raffles]

So this really isn't related to anything that scarleteen does, but I really couldn't think of anywhere else I could talk about this, so I'm writing this, I guess. Because it is so unrelated, there is no need to respond or even read past here.

The tldr here is that I have been wanting to get a tattoo, and I designed one with a lot of meaning to me as an incentive to stop/reward to stop doing The Thing. Well, last week, I did The Thing again. At the time, I rationalized it as not being ready to give up The Thing, not deserving the tattoo, and just overall freaking out about how it would look bad on me as I age or if my weight changes significantly. Looking back, it may have been self-sabotage, but I'm not too sure.

Anyway, I emailed to cancel my appointment (that I already paid the $50 deposit for), but I accidentally typed y date instead of x date. The parlor has sent me a few emails and even called and left a voicemail to make sure I want to cancel. I feel so horrible because they are being so kind, and for the artist that I'm screwing over. I've mildly thinking about keeping the appointment and getting a different tattoo, but I know that changing the design last minute is also super rude.

[Carly]

Hey Raffles -- we always like to reply, even if it's just once, to every thread our users make. Do you want to talk about The Thing with us? No pressure here of course, especially as you said we didn't have to, but I just want you to know we're open to talking about things like this too if you need to.

I've never gotten a professional tattoo, so I'm not sure what that process is like or the etiquette of the situation. Something to remember though is that there is no way that you're the only person who has ever cancelled an appointment or changed their mind about a design last minute. That seems pretty par for the course for a tattoo artist. I think you can interpret them being nice to you as them wanting to work with you, and maybe even being open to talking about the concerns you have about the design and your ideas about something new. Would you consider reaching out and talking to the artist about it?

[Raffles]

The Thing isn't really something I'd like to get into here. The long story made vague is that it's a self destructive coping mechanism I'm ashamed of, but it's really unrelated to what scarleteen does and I can't really talk about it anyway. It's something I plan on getting help for when I'm financially independent and insured, which will hopefully be soon/within this calendar year.

The good news is that the appointment is still over a week out, so I think if I come up with a different design there's still a reasonable amount of time to adjust, especially because this particular parlor also does walk-in appointments. I was just upset yesterday because they were being so nice and I was just kind of ghosting them. The original idea is something I've been thinking about since last year and drew a final version of this fall, so having to come up with something new in a shorter amount of time is stressful. I don't want to feel pressured to get something just because they're being nice, though. At least I have an idea, and it's something I think I'll be happy with if I go through with it.

[Raffles]

I am back.

First off, I'm sorry if discussion of The Thing was really upsetting and disturbing. I do my best and will continue to do my best to not mention it here (or anywhere, really) because I know it makes people uncomfortable and isn't a part of what Scarleteen does.

There has been a update with the tattoo. I've been emailing the parlor, and I was able to change the design and location. It seemed like everything is fine. Then today I get an email from them (same email address but several people use it to respond to messages) saying that they haven't heard back from me yet and want a call or email. They said "we are here to help and would love to tattoo you," but that (kindness from strangers) just makes me want to crawl into a hole. I feel socially obligated to tell them that they don't have to and apologize for being such a difficult client and then never think about getting a tattoo again because I don't deserve it.

[Sofi]

Hi Raffles. I definitely can understand feeling awkward when strangers are super nice, but as Carly mentioned, tattoo shops deal with lots of clients who cancel, postpone, change designs last minute, etc and their job is to be nice about it. Don't feel obligated to keep the appointment or to even call back if that feels awkward. You can email them back, that should be good enough, that way you aren't ghosting them completely. You said the design and location was changed, though, so maybe email them and let them know it was changed and thank them for being nice, I don't think you need to apologize for being difficult, because you haven't been! And you do deserve to get a tattoo if it's still what you want.

[Raffles]

Because I’m me, I managed to make it worse.

I called them to clear up the confusion. The person who answered told me that they emailed me by mistake, so my appointment was still fine. I let them know that I might be a little late because I have to drive in from an event that’s taking place far away. They told me that being late is hard because I have a short appointment and there is someone after me. They then tried to reschedule, but nothing really fit so we just decided to keep it.

They hung up. I cried (stress). I then called them back. It went to voicemail, but I explained that I was worried about the time and would rather just cancel.

They called me back. For some stupid reason (aka, my ability to make things worse for myself), I picked up. They confirmed that I wanted to cancel that appointment and I said yes. They asked me if I was still interested in being tattooed and I said yes because it’s true. So then they offered to reschedule and I said yes because it thought it was a general “we understand that it will happen at some point,” but instead they did it over the phone. I said a lot of “ums” and had a lot of long and awkward pauses, but long story short I now have an appointment for April 1.

That means I’ve got another 5 weeks to freak out about being unworthy.

I get that I’m being dumb about it. Part of the reason I’m so attached is that I’ve paid the $50 deposit. At the same time, I wish there was a place through their website I could just pay and tip them for all the trouble and then vanish from their memories.

[Sam W]

Hi Raffles,

It can be so frustrating to know, on some level, that your reaction to something doesn't quite align with the severity of the actual thing but no be able to stop it. I do want to add to what Sofi already said; in addition to re-scheduling or awkward clients being a normal part of running a tattoo shop, the pandemic has probably made them even more used to weird scheduling conversations.

Too, I wonder if it might help to reframe the timing for yourself: instead of "5 more weeks to freak out" what if it becomes "only five more weeks and then this will be a done deal?"

[dollparties]

hey! i hope you don’t mind me adding something- if you do, please don’t hesitate to ask me to delete the post. i never want to cross boundaries. :)

as someone who has a few tattoos, tattoo artists and the people in the studio tend to be very kind and understanding people. more than anything, they probably just want to make sure you’re alright! people cancel and reschedule appointments all the time, and for a lot of reasons. you certainly aren’t the first or last to do so, and they won’t think of you negatively for it. i can almost guarantee that you aren’t causing them any trouble. especially with covid, like sam said, they’re equipped to deal with cancellations and such.

as for waiting 5 weeks- i understand how nerve racking that can be! but nobody is unworthy of getting art they want on their body. this obviously means a lot to you, and i hope it all works out in the end. :)

[Raffles]

Because I am slightly cursed, the rescheduled appointment had to be rescheduled due to the artist's schedule. It was then scheduled for the Friday after next, but it was too much time and I've freaked myself out too much because I don't think it will look good on me and I won't be able to keep it hidden enough. I emailed to cancel (again), and I'm hoping that they won't try to reschedule me again.

[Raffles]

So the good news is that they responded super quickly and didn't push, they just gave me the number in case I change my mind.

The bad news is that this was supposed to be one of the few times in life I get to chose what I look like and really assert autonomy over my body, and instead it became a stressful situation where I feel gross about having a body/my body specifically. I'd really like to feel like I have some sort of control and choice over my body in a way that's healthy, but it sort of feels like that might not be an option.

[Sofi]

Hi Raffles. I'm sorry this has become such a nightmare, but I'm glad they weren't pushy and respected your request. I'm wondering if it would be good to wait a bit longer and try again, right now isn't the right time because it's causing you a lot of stress you don't need. But I don't think it's not an option at all, ever. You can take a few weeks, months or heck even years, away from this stressful situation and when you feel more prepared you can call and get it done, perhaps? It's been so long of rescheduling and canceling that it feels like a lot right now, but hopefully if you get a breather from the whole thing, you can revisit.