I need help unpacking a personality-related and society-related problem of mine

[iloveeveryone]

Hello! Thank you.

This is a complicated subject for me that I haven't talked about yet, but bothers me and has been unfolding for at least a year and I need to talk about and today was the development in the situation that actually made me sit down and write this and express my feelings and ask for help.

So my sister and I live in an apartment society, and have a male friend in it (V), and our friendship (the three of us) involves platonic physical contact, walking around with arms around shoulders etc., and this is something we don't do with the other friends in that group, which shouldn't matter, except this is "Indian society", which is the point. The next few paragraphs are all the reasons I'm mad about this situation.

Our parents (and the rest of the apartment, and all other people in this country who are like that) don't like my sister and I having that physical contact with someone who is a boy, and since the three of us have been friends for more than a year, they've not been happy about this for that long.

Our parents have brought it up 2-3 times, but I got sad and angry because I was so uncomfortable with that they were saying, so we never really agreed to stop physical contact, and parents never talked about it for more than one day, so the issue was never really forced. I still don't know what we should have done, but we never consciously changed our relationship with V.

An incident that happened to us that makes me angry and cry-ey, happened a year ago. One of the security guards of our apartment took a photo of my SISTER and V, when they were walking together "like that", arms around shoulders, and then showed ME and said we shouldn't "do these stuff". We told our parents, and they said they had no right to take that picture. But then they also brought up their problem again and said we shouldn't walk like that with V. That was a sad evening.

What happened today was, for the last weeks it's just been me, my sister and V instead of our whole friend group whenever we meet. I have no idea, but I'm pretty sure this, plus the fact that we come home at 7:15 pm, which they probably consider late, is what triggered the whole issue for both my parents again. When we came home from being with V today, our mother gave us some terms: no going anywhere in the society which is not in the open (= adults who can see exactly what the three of us are doing), no physical contact at all, and being downstairs for less than an hour a day.

My parents' attitude is what makes me feel scared, and stops my friendship with V from being the most genuine it can be, and distracts me regularly from other things I could and should be doing. It angers me.

I'm also confused. One of the reasons because there are so many ways I can look at this situation. As a "liberal Indian teen" I think, obviously, there's no problem in having guy friendships like these. Then I think about my parents and how they see it. Then I think about our apartment's adults. Then the security guards. Then I cry about being born where I was. I would love a long piece of advice about this, and a neutral point of view I don't currently have from anybody.

I also really want someone to say I'm not being overdramatic about this, that I'm brave for taking steps to clear up this issue.

Sorry for introducing a different topic, but today after our mother's conversation with us, I felt like crying, like I very often feel. But instead of holding it in like I've been doing for at least 3 years, I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and tried to cry as much as I wanted, for as long as I wanted, about so many things I always quickly stopped myself crying about (I still feel like crying while writing this). My mother actually tried to open my door after a while (boundaries at home problem, again unrelated), but I still hope it helped me.

For right now, I decided while crying in the bathroom to agree with what our parents said today, and tell V that our whole relationship, and the physical boundaries we have in it (is that the right term?) is going to completely change. I'm not happy about it, but that's what I've decided. I also decided to have a big, big conversation with parents about this whole thing, and what they expect from us as "girls" in general. I hate it. I feel so weird and worried and like this isn't my life right now, I have no idea how I'm going to react to even bigger things if this is what's happening to me right now.
Also, I'm not going to have the conversation with V until I have the one with my parents.

But I think the most realistic outcome of today's events is that I'm just going to drop the issue, because it's so very hard for me to deal with, because it's not our fault anyways. Some concrete steps to take to have the parents conversation would be nice, so that I don't give up.

[iloveeveryone]

My brain actually couldn't handle it and I forgot exactly what I want to say to my parents about this situation, argh. I guess my head will be clearer tomorrow? Sorry for the long thing and this postscript! Thank you!

[Sofi]

Hi iloveeveryone! I'm sorry you've had to stop hanging out with your friend, it sounds like you were pretty close. You definitely aren't being dramatic and your feelings are valid. It isn't fair that because the people around you don't understand the physical affection, you can't display it. Did you get a chance to talk to your parents yet? If not, my first recommendation is to lead with how you feel rather than accusations, so that you can hopefully have a conversation and not an argument. When you explain how their actions made you FEEL, and how this friendship is just a friendship and why it's important to you, it might help them understand and not get defensive. I was also wondering so I can understand the situation better, do you see this friend outside of living here? Will you be running into him somewhere else or is this the only place you hang out at?

[iloveeveryone]

Yes! I will talk to my parents about how I feel. However, what would the goal of this conversation be? It's not to make them change their minds about their whole mindsets, or about the terms they've given us about being friends with V. Is it just to make them understand my point of view?

No, we only see V inside the apartment when we both agree to meet.

Also, I don't think we're really close with V! We hang out on and off, and I guess we've become closer in these last few weeks it's just been us three. So only a smaller part of the issue is that particular friendship changing (although I am sad about that and unsure of how V will take it), and the bigger part for me is me being free to put my arm around a boy's shoulders and not feel weird about it because of what I've been taught by my parents.

[iloveeveryone]

I just tried to talk to my parents about this. They were encouraging me to speak, and I had no idea this would happen but I broke down and couldn't say a single thing because my throat felt tight and I couldn't. I said I would write them a letter and I'm doing that right now, I want to finish it tonight. (
I'm very, very sad about crying and never being able to talk.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry that you ended up feeling that way! I've definitely had the "oh no, I've been put on the spot and now I can't say anything" feeling before and can be so frustrating and stressful. I think that writing a letter is a really good way of approaching that though, and good on you for working out a way to express your feelings that's more comfortable for you!

[iloveeveryone]

Thank you!