Scarleteen

Looking for advice. Sorry in advance for length of post, there is a lot to unpack so I am grateful to anyone who reads and responds! I don’t want to talk to friends or family about this because I am embarrassed and I feel like a failure and like something is not working with me.

Basically I am early twenties and still to this day have not had penetrative sex. Important - through choice up until I felt ready in myself and I was with the right partner. Even though I think I had ticked those boxes, I still feel afraid of it and I think there are lots of reasons behind this - I am afraid it is not going to feel pleasurable, it is going to hurt and the penetration part can seem kind of objectifying in the sense that a guy is doing that to me and that makes me feel bad inside to feel like I am just getting used. Also my guy is quite big and for someone no experience with penetration that makes it seem a lot scarier too. There is definitely a fear factor I have with penetration that I don’t have With other sex acts. Has anyone else experienced this?

I do really enjoy doing all the other “sex acts” with my boyfriend. He turns me on, I’m attracted to him, and he is the first guy I’ve enjoyed giving oral too. Plus when we are in the moment there have definitely been times when I’ve wanted him inside me.

I felt like I was ready to try penetration a week ago(my first time ever) and it just wasn’t working. I don’t even know if we got his tip fully in. Honestly I was feeling stressed and nervous but I did want it to happen. And I was turned on - he had been attentive to me beforehand. We also used lube. But when he tried to push it inside it just hurt and I can’t say I enjoyed that and it felt overwhelming.

I’ve seen posts from other women with similar difficulties and vaginismus gets thrown around Reddit a lot. But if I don’t have issues getting tampons in, my boyfriend fingers me easily with 1 finger when I am aroused, and I have had Pap smears done without issue, I don’t think this could be the reason? I am hoping it is just nerves…but what if it isn’t? Is it possible I could still have that condition?

Other advice I am looking for is now I am where I am (having tried it 1 time, no success) I don’t know where to go from here? I have some questions and asks for advice:
1. how to go about trying this next time and what to do differently. Don’t know what the next steps are for me as an individual and us as a couple?
2. I kept trying to adjust the angle to direct his penis at the same angle I would use when inserting a tampon but it was difficult. Does any one have any easy tips to get the angle right before pushing for positions like missionary, cowgirl?
3. Like I said above I felt quite reassured that my anatomy down there seems “normal” because of those things outside penetration which work fine for me. Is that a reasonable assumption? If not, how do I go about getting examined… I don’t know where or how to start that conversation.
3. I’m worried my boyfriend is going to also think there is something wrong with me and if I cannot give him penetrative sex he won’t want to be with me. I already feel nervous anyway and I don’t know how to manage these emotions as these could easily make it more difficult. I told him I was worried he was going to get fed up and he assured me I don’t have that to worry about but what if he doesn’t realise how difficult it could be with me…. And now easy it could be with someone else.

4. I mentioned boyfriend fingering me (which I enjoy). I don’t do this to myself because with fingernails it feels gross and I don’t like the physical feeling on my finger. Doing it to myself isn’t really a turn on, but is this something I should focus on alone to try and stretch myself? If anyone else feels as I do about fingering if you have any tips, much appreciated

Have to stop this post here otherwise it it could go on and on. Any support and advice would be fab.

Hi uberscuba, and welcome to Scarleteen!

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you physically for not enjoying vaginal intercourse the one time you tried it. Vaginal pain during penetration is sadly extremely common, but there are solutions available for most people going through this, which we will get into in a bit. Your fear of penetration is also extremely common among people of all ages. In our article From Ow to Wow: Demystifying Painful Intercourse and Other Vaginal Sex, we talk about how it's a popular assumption that intercourse is always painful or uncomfortable, especially for the first time. This is a complete myth. Any pain is either due to a medical issue (vaginismus is just one of them) or because you're not doing certain things to make the penetration go smoothly. From Ow to Wow is designed like a checklist for steps to take if you're experiencing painful vaginal entry, and it goes into more detail than I can here, so be sure to check that out.

I know you've said that everything seems fine down there and that you have no problem fitting fingers, tampons, and pap smear implements inside your vagina, so chances are that you don't need to get examined. However, if you haven't had a pap smear or an overall exam done in the last six months, I would recommend getting those two done just to rule out the possibility that the problem is medical, in addition to getting a full STI screening, since you've been sexually active lately (also, has your boyfriend been tested? If not, you should insist that he get screened immediately, especially if he has been sexually active before, with others). Sometimes pain with sex may be due to a genital infection, or because of a number of reproductive issues. As for how to go about getting examined--you said you've had pap smears done, so I'm assuming you have a gynecologist that you go to. If not, let us know, and we'll help you figure something out. These are very routine procedures. However, bear in mind that vaginal pain is often misdiagnosed, so it may take a couple visits to different doctors if you find that the pain isn't going away. As I said before, it's best to just cover your medical bases before seeing if there are other solutions for vaginal pain during intercourse, so please get examined before anything else.

If there is no medical issue, we can move on. You said that you were highly aroused and had engaged in non-penetrative sexual acts before you tried penetration. Still, you were nervous about the penetration, and usually, that kind of overwhelming vaginal pain dampens arousal pretty quickly. It's a cycle: stress and nervousness contributes to pain, which kills arousal, which leads to more stress, etc. This is why it is recommended to try penetration after you have had an orgasm already, which can make you looser and more relaxed. As a couple, I would recommend holding off on penetration with a penis for some time, and trying smaller objects, from fingers to dildos (of differing sizes, if possible, but start with a small one). You mentioned finding it gross to finger yourself because of your fingernails. Do you have long fingernails, or is there another worry? If the feeling of your vagina isn't pleasant on your fingers, you could try latex gloves (and dip your gloved finger in lube, of course), or just use a condom on your finger. Fingering oneself is a good idea because you can control the pace and the movement much better than if your boyfriend does it to you. As for more comfortable sex positions once you've found that smaller objects are going in without a problem, I think that positions where you control the penetration are smart, such as cowgirl. The site Qendo recommends "trying doggy style lying flat on your stomach rather than on your knees. It makes the depth of penetration shallower. Lie down on the bed, resting your hands under your chin or in a baby cobra position. You can have a pillow under your hips to take the pressure off your lower back if that is an issue for you. Keep your legs closed (you can squeeze your legs together once you have the position worked out) and have your partner lie on top of you, entering you from behind. This means a lot of the friction and tightness around your partners penis has it passes between your thighs and shallow entry into the vagina. Don’t forget to use lubricant for this position". Remember that lube is not a magic fix; it will not help if the vaginal canal isn't pretty loose already.

Now, the most important point: the fear, nervousness, and troubled associations you have with penetration are probably doing a lot to keep you from enjoying it, so it's important to unpack those issues.
You mentioned feeling like penetration is inherently degrading and objectifying for the one getting penetrated. There are a lot of problematic cultural associations with penetration in our society, you're right, but penetration is simply one sex act among many. It has no moral significance, and there are no inherent power dynamics between the partners during intercourse. It seems as if you and your partner have a very satisfying and loving sex life otherwise, and there is no reason why the same energy shouldn't be associated with penetration, which can be very fulfilling as an act. This article goes into more detail on this topic.

I understand your being worried that your partner will not want to be with you if you can't "give" him penetrative sex, but if he loves you, which I think he does, he would not want to be doing anything that causes you pain or stress. No one is obligated to do sexual activities that they don't want to do, and love, or being in a relationship with someone, doesn't mean that you have an all-access pass to do things that they don't want to do. For now, I would say that you should trust your boyfriend when he says it's alright that penetration is currently off the table. After all, it's only one type of sex! From Ow to Wow goes into more detail on this, and we can talk about it more too, in this thread. Let us know!