Scarleteen

This post might be a little messy as it is something I have never told anyone else, and it causes me great stress and embarrassment.

TW for a lot of sexual talk and anorexia

I am very nearly sixteen, and since as LONG as I can remember, I have had an attraction to people gaining weight. I figured out how to masturbate when I was around four and would always please myself thinking about someone over-eating and gaining weight. When i was younger it would only be around women gaining weight, but as i got older i masturbated a few times to men doing it too.(I am a girl for reference). I came out as lesbian around a year and half ago, but I doubt myself a lot.

This next part is really embarrassing, but I feel like this website is a safe enough space to say it. I used to read fanfiction of my favourite (male) youtubers gaining weight and I felt so addicted to masturbating to it that the skin on my vagina tore a few times. I felt awful and weird after doing it, even though the youtubers said they didn't care about that kind of thing being made out of them. It continued for a while until i removed it from my life due to guilt. I question myself so much due to this as i was able to derive sexual pleasure from something that men did, even if it wasn't real.

I feel horrific and ashamed of this fetish as it has taken over my life. I never feel good about doing it, but i masturbate about once a day to those types of thoughts. A few months ago I tried really hard to ignore it completely and abstain from any thoughts of it, and i was able to orgasm to the thought of more 'normal' sex with women. I have never been able to orgasm to the thought of sex with men, only the thought of them gaining weight. I also have very severe anorexia and have had for at least six years. I noticed that I always feel significantly more dysmorphic and anorexic when i am masturbating more to the thought of other people gaining weight. I'm even pretty sure the reason it developed is that I kept up looking at 'Am I Fat' quizzes, and filled them out for sexual desire. It caused me to spiral.

Recently I have not been able to orgasm without thinking of women gaining weight, and I feel miserable because of it. I am mortified from everything I have said. I know that it's pretty much impossible to remove a sexual fetish, and I feel lost. Sex therapy is not an option for me, and I don't feel comfortable talking about it to anyone. I feel it is my darkest secret and every day I wish I didn't have this. This post is completely all over the place and I apologise for the things discussed, but I truly don't know what else to do.

Am I really a lesbian? How do I control my fetish? Thank you for reading.

Hi anonymous13234,

It sounds like this situation is causing you a ton of stress, so let's see if we can untangle some of what's going on. Before we dive into anything else, I want to check in and see what kind of support you're receiving around anorexia?

While you're right that some sexual preferences or fantasies feel pretty baked in to us, that doesn't mean those fantasies have to limit our sexuality, especially when engaging with them is causing us distress. Can you give me a sense of how much exploring of fantasies you've done outside of the weight gain ones?

As far as your sexual orientation, while our fantasies can certainly be one clue to it, that can be complicated by the fact that plenty of people fantasize about things they aren't actually interested in in the real world. So, to start, can you tell me a little bit about what gender(s) of people you find yourself attracted to or having crushes on?

Hi Sam,
Thanks for replying. I was feeling very distressed last night when I wrote that as I had seen lots of articles telling me that fetishes can't be gotten rid of.

First off, I do have a lot of therapies and support in place. I have been in hospital previously because of the severity of my anorexia, and stayed there for eight months. It caused me to develop PTSD as I was abused a lot by the medical system, and I also have other mental illnesses which make things very confusing for me. Right now I have a lot of support and although I am struggling a lot, I manage to eat three meals a day.

I do explore quite a lot of fantasies outside of my usual ones. I only enjoy ones with women involved, and thinking about 'doing it' with men makes me feel uncomfortable and very anxious. Most times I enjoy fantasising that I am more dominant, and maybe I'm performing oral sex or using a strap-on in my fantasy. As I kind of said before, there was a period where i forced myself to not think about weight gain fantasies and I was able to orgasm just by thinking of doing things with women. However, recently, I have gone back to thinking about those things because it gives me such great pleasure in the moment, even if it makes me feel really bad afterwards. I have tried but I haven't felt able to climax without thinking of weight gain at least a bit. Sometimes I start with a 'normal' fantasy, then get frustrated when I can't properly build up my desire and switch it to a weight gain one. Almost always as I am orgasming I think of the 'normal' scenario and it makes me feel really good.

I used to have an (online) boyfriend in 2020 before I came out as lesbian, but never felt happy with him at all. I felt pressured to tell him I liked him, and didn't feel bad when I broke up with him after about a month of dating. I read the 'Compulsory Heterosexuality' lesbian document which helped me really understand my feelings. Most days I feel sure I am a lesbian and my masturbation to men gaining weight was just comp-het, but I really doubt myself a lot. Last night i saw a Tiktok of kind of a thirst trap which really confused me. He did a body roll and I kept thinking how nice his body looked when he did it. I felt that he was very feminine in that clip and at first even thought he was a girl. It really, really confused me and I kept watching it. I got frustrated.

I had spent a lot of time thinking about if i was turned on or not I think eventually my vagina switched itself on- I get that a lot. When thinking about sex, even sex with men or anything, my vagina kind of starts to buzz and the only way to end it is to wait it out or masturbate. It also made me confused because if my vagina was doing whatever, maybe that means I was attracted to him? I've experienced that for years, and I thought maybe it was similar to when men get erections at random times or something. That also really confuses me.

I do get a lot of crushes on women. I've always regarded them as better than men my whole life, and I always think that they're just objectively more beautiful than men which is a silly thing to say. Throughout my life I have had very clear signs that I was attracted to women that I only realised when I came out. For example when I was about four, me and my girl best friend used to touch each others vaginas a lot. I remember liking the smell. I also remember, when I was nine, a different girl best friend told me she was in love with me. I was confused but said I loved her too and we kissed. I remember being scared because I didn't know if two young girls were allowed to, but my friend said it was okay as she had seen it on a show she watched. I remember feeling excited that I kissed her, but I felt wrong for doing it. The next day I wrote her a letter saying I didn't want to be with her, and it made me sad to write it. We never talked after that and I told myself she came onto me and I got swept up in everything. Even know, I don't really know if I liked her because I have spent so much time pushing that situation from my mind. Since coming out, I felt very sure I liked women, but I still have very confusing feelings about men. Recently, I worry that I'm not even attracted to women as I had trouble orgasming to the thought of regular sex with them. Thinking about it too much hurts my head and I get upset and even more confused.

It really is so confusing as there are so many factors for me, like my trauma and other mental illnesses, my fetish, and the fact I also possibly have autism. I am getting assessed soon and I know that can affect things like attraction. It's something I've never properly talked out and this forum has made me feel like I really have gotten it off my chest, even though it is super embarrassing for me. I feel more in control, so thank you so much. Again, I apologise for how long and all over the place this message is- there's a lot to unpack. Thanks again for reading

I'm so sorry you dealt with medical abuse in the past, but I'm glad you're currently getting the support you need and feel like you're making positive progress. If you notice that the weight gain fantasies tend to trigger spikes in body dysphoria or other anorexia triggers for you, would you ever feel comfortable bringing that up with someone on your care team? Or have you learned ways of dealing with surges in feelings that tend to tack to disordered eating that you could apply when the fantasies trigger them?

You know, it's not all that strange for people to have periods of time where there's just one fantasy that really does it for them, or where fantasies that previously were really arousing just don't interest you anymore. My main concern with what you're describing with the weight gain ones is less that you're using them often and more that they seem to be distressing you or making you feel guilty. Do those feelings of guilt center around anything specific with the fantasy? Is it mainly tied to those feelings about your body or about your orientation, or is there something else as well?

From what you're describing about your sexual orientation, it does sound like lesbian as a term makes sense for you. There's no one set of ways of fantasizing about women that means you're lesbian or not; lesbians, like anyone, can have all sorts of sexual preferences. So, enjoying weight gain fantasies doesn't negate all the other feelings you have that make you feel like lesbian is the term that describes you. Does that make sense?

Talking about it really doesn't feel viable for me. Imagining saying this to my therapist or my psychiatrist is horrible, and even to my friends who I tell everything to. I think it's because I'm just so embarrassed and upset by it that I'd never want anyone that I know to know about it. Talking about sexual stuff just in general with my therapist makes me super uncomfortable as we don't have that kind of relationship. Even saying stuff on here is kind of mortifying but I really do like not having to hold it all in anymore

Honestly, I am in quite a bad place in my eating at the moment. I feel guilty after every meal and cry a lot about it. Gaining weight myself is my biggest fear, and definitely since I have started masturbating more to the fantasies I have noticed a drop in my progress to recovery. I know that isn't something that can be treated on an online board though, but including the parts about masturbation is impossible for me right now in therapy. I don't want to ask too much, I'm just finding it good to kind of get all my thoughts out.

I think my guilt lies mostly in my embarrassment of the types of things I fantasise about. When I'm not horny, I find it kind of gross. Also I definitely feel bad because I know it's most likely affecting my mental health. I always feel really dirty and like a bad person after I do it, but I still do it about once a day. I also feel bad because I feel as if I masturbate way too much, and there was a time period where I was really sick and had to lay in bed all day, and I masturbated like three times a day or something. Thinking about it more, I think there's so much that makes me feel distressed and guilty about it it's hard to define. If I only had one wish it would be to completely get rid of this, and I think about it a lot. I hate myself for having it and I hate myself for being attracted to that kind of thing. I really do wish it would just go away and the idea that I'm stuck like this for life makes me really sad.

I think I do agree with you about lesbian being the right term for me- though saying it right now makes me feel kind of weird. Even though my family are pretty accepting I REALLY struggle with the idea of being gay- I think that can be a topic for a different thread though.

A lot of the times I think I use masturbation as a way of escape, and when I'm super stressed out sometimes I just decide to do it to distract myself. Also, if I feel really depressed I masturbate because orgasming feels really good for me, even if it doesn't feel good after.

I really don't want to live with this kind of fetish. Thinking about doing it in real life makes me feel weird, and I really really want to be able to enjoy normal sex. Sometimes I think that normal sex will be more arousing in real life and I'll be able to orgasm from them. I'm just super confused and I really hate having this kind of preference.

That detail is all really helpful, thank you!

Given that you're noticing an uptick in guilt around food and eating in general, I would definitely prioritize bringing those up in therapy so you can get the support you need around them. It may be worth bringing up the masturbation stuff, or even just describing it as fantasy without talking about masturbation, with your therapist down the line. I just wrote this column (https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... _about_sex) so I'm happy to talk with you about how to do that if you need to.

With masturbation, the only time I'd really consider it to be too frequent is if it's getting in the way of your ability to do the other things that matter to you or that need to be done. Frequency of masturbation also changes as we move through life, based on everything from our overall stress levels to whether or not our schedules even have time for it. Too, using it for stress relief or for a boost when you're feeling down isn't a bad idea. In fact, as far as coping mechanisms go, masturbation can be an overall positive one because it's not harmful; it seems to only be an issue here because it's triggering guilt for you afterwards.

It may also help to remember that even when something is a frequent fantasy of ours, that doesn't automatically mean it's something that HAS to be present in our sexual interactions with other people. Plenty of people have fantasies they really enjoy but don't incorporate into sex because they're not things they want in real life, or they're things that may not even be feasible in real life. And because there's no single "normal" way that sex goes, you may also find that you and a future partner have things you want to try together that you find equally arousing as these fantasies. Does that all make sense?

Hello there, @anonymous13234! I came across this thread and I was wondering if I could offer some help because I have experienced a very similar situation not too long ago. I struggled with an ED throughout my teen years (I'm 19 now and it's gotten better, but it still gives me trouble sometimes) and I also have fantasies about people gaining weight. I also identify as a lesbian, but I occasionally have confusing thoughts about men.

This might be a long shot, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but do you think you maybe project your more unusual fantasies onto men because it feels safer? I've personally noticed that my fantasies about women tend to be more vanilla/mainstream, but my fantasies about men tend to be kinkier. Since i identify as a lesbian, I sometimes feel like men are a "safe" target for my fantasies because I wouldn't actually date one. I could be totally wrong, but i'll just throw it out here in case it resonates with you. It's also possible that you're attracted to the general idea of people gaining weight, regardless of their gender. When you look at men, do you think "I want to grab those sexy fat rolls" or "I want his big manly body on me"? If it's the first example, you're probably just attracted to fat; if it's the second example, you might actually be attracted to men. You're the only one who can figure out your orientation, but these are just my thoughts given what you've said.

Also, I've personally found that having anorexia can make a fat fetish more intense. When you constantly restrict yourself, I think there's something so appealing about watching somebody throw caution to the wind and eat whatever they want. When your whole life is centered around your own weight and body, it's normal to be obsessive about other people's weight and bodies too. I also found myself attracted to the idea of having a fat partner because it made me feel skinny in comparison. When I finally started to recover from my ED, my fetish became less overwhelming because I ended up thinking less about weight in general. So it's quite possible that your fetish will calm down if your anorexia starts to improve.

Finally, keeping a fetish under control doesn't mean you have to give it up completely. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to fat people, and you shouldn't force yourself to date skinny people just to conform to the status quo.

I hope this helps!