Scarleteen

Hey, so I recently found out I had gotten oral gonorrhea. I got treated, notified all past partners, etc already so things are fine but I now I feel very gross about my body and about sex with partners.

I feel even worse because of the circumstances under how and when this could've happened exactly (the clinic could detect the STI but not when I got it).

I was often curious about cisgender men and bottoming but also very uncomfortable and anxious most times since this demographic tends to be pretty harmful. The constant stories, the awareness when you listen to folks as well as my own experiences that ranged from annoying to straight up sexual harrassment/threatening or violence. But still "not all men" right? And there has to be a reason folks will still chase after/hyperfixate on cis dudes' genitals over everything else. Besides it seemed fun in theory to try as well as get attention and try to find sexual pleasure that I wanted from elsewhere that I wasn't getting satisfied at the time.

So I'd be meeting guys (I only met up with 3 total) for a hookup via an app on a whim and I wasn't sober which is (almost always) the only way I'd be aroused enough and not as filled with anxiety in order to engage with anyone at all. My bipolar disorder was also poorly managed at the time so when I found out I tested positive for something I just felt disgusted with myself. I felt stupid for trusting a group of people that have (more often than not) been violent, aggressive and/or harmful to myself and/or my friends while also not being more careful and taking care of myself. I felt/this adds on to a feeling of failure.

Among other reasons, I feel really uncomfortable with myself, my body and sense of sexuality and this just really triggered these issues (or added on to them).

Any readings or anyone who struggles with the feelings of shame and being unsanitary after catching their first STD/STI?

Thanks for reading.

Hi BuddyBoi21,

It can be so rough to get a positive STI result, especially when it likely came from activity you don't feel positive about overall. As much as you can, try not to be too hard on yourself; STIs are one of the risks we run when we're sexual with other people, contracting one doesn't say anything about us as a person. Too, I'd try to steer clear of the thinking that this is somehow what you get for being sexual with cis men; STIs can come from any kind of partners.

In terms of readings, I think these pieces are both really great starting places for advice on dealing with the feelings that come with an STI diagnosis: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/bodi ... we_with_an
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... tal_herpes

Hey Sam W,

I deeply appreciate you taking the time to drop these articles off. I'm doing my best to internalize these messages both from you and the articles you've left.

Hopefully, the feeling of shame will be easier to manage of this is to ever happen again.

Thanks!

Hey BuddyBoi21 -- I'm glad those articles Sam shared were what you're looking for. I hate that STIs have such a stigma and it's causing you to feel some shame. Sending you some good vibes as you internalize those positive messages.

Something I did want to touch on -- do you want to talk a little more about feeling comfortable enough to meet and hook up with people while you're sober? What about the situation makes you feel so anxious? Is it meeting people specifically, or do you feel a more generalized anxiety? I understand feeling like you need a little "social lubricant," but being drunk or high while you're hooking up with someone blurs the lines of consent a little bit. Just want to make sure you're feeling safe and comfortable in these situations!