I don’t know how to overcome the way I was raised to think

[hayden1223]

I’m 21 years old, straight male. I grew up in an area and around people that were very much strict in their beliefs of sex before marriage and while that didn’t necessarily deter me from the idea of exploring, it grounded me in a belief for a long time that I’m only comfortable having sex in a relationship. I’ve had romantic interests in many different girls growing up but it’s often been very one sided.

While I’ve had plenty of opportunities to carry on a relationship long term (that would likely continue until the point that I would be comfortable having sex with that person), I also have a very strong sense of empathy (not to mention some anxiety) that contributes to a feeling that I wouldn’t want to emotionally hurt someone else for the sole purpose of getting laid. That said, I want to be clear I don’t look down on other people who have different stances, that is just how my anxious mind views these situations.

These conflicting desires within myself have made it difficult to know when is the right time to explore this. My big concern here is whether I will be able to come to terms with dating someone who has past sexual experience if I don’t, especially if I really like them. I feel as if I should almost just go find someone I know to try this with first (so it doesn’t feel like I’m always wondering what their past was like and never have any good/bad experience to compare with myself). Only thing is I have no idea how someone asks a close friend if they want to casually hook up. Is this reasonable? If so, how do I ask someone I’m comfortable with to explore that with me?

[Carly]

Hey hayden1223 - welcome to Scarleteen! It seems like most of the concern here is interpersonal, and how to ask someone if they'd be willing to explore that. But first, I want to make sure this is actually the right time for you to explore this. Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist is a good place to start when you're thinking about becoming sexually active. Does anything in that article resonate for you?