Scarleteen

Hey everybody and thanks for taking the time to listen and offer your advice and support.

So I have a predicament that's not especially urgent but is pretty annoying and has me questioning myself, even though I'm pretty sure I just need to continue being assertive. I'm pretty confident in this choice - I guess what I'm looking for is tips on how to actually communicate my choices without getting frustrated and getting into pointless arguments with people on this topic. For context, I'm a 21 year-old female.

Right now at this point in my life I think it's best that I'm single. And I mean like turbo-single. I'm not actively trying to date people or acting on passing attractions or otherwise pursuing anyone or 'advertising' that I'm interested in anyone or in attracting anyone, specifically or in general. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes passively get caught in daydreams where I think it might be nice at some point to be dating or in a relationship with someone, but I mean I also catch myself in daydreams where I save a bank full of hostages with my rendition of 90s Disney classics. It doesn't mean I don't have a sex drive or experience sexual arousal or attraction or recognize myself as a sexual and sensual person. I'm not repressed and I'm not 'hiding' from anything. I actually feel really good about my sexual and romantic orientation and I have a really good handle what that looks like to me. I'm totally okay with getting mild crushes and letting them go because I'm not in a place where I feel like I'm going to be missing out on anything really big if I don't act on them. I'm not wrestling with any sexual attractions I'm not getting to act on.

Those things aren't problems. What I AM finding challenging right now, however, are : having a pretty rough time with my depression right now; working a stopgap job that has absolutely nothing to do with my interests and career aspirations since getting laid-off in November; having financial issues as a result of this stopgap job (I can pay my rent and then my money is gone - I'm blessed because I live with my parents and can rely on them for everything else but it's important to me that I pay my rent at our place and I insisted my name be on the lease); working on the steps that will get me prepared to submit a college portfolio in December of 2015 which are numerous and kind of daunting and overwhelming; being a little removed from my social support group since losing my last job and experiencing the dissolution of a few close friendships (nothing with a lot of a drama, just people slowly moving in different directions); and on top of that we're moving in early January so there's a lot of things to think about and prepare for that.

Looking at this I can clearly see that I have a lot on my plate and the way I see it if I don't feel like dating than I shouldn't have to, right? It seems to make sense in my head but my parents seem to see things differently.

I know that they mean well but I disagree that having a romantic relationship right now would help me "see things in a brighter way" or "help you with your depression by making things cheerier". I get the whole new relationship energy thing but I don't think that's a sound method of dealing with challenging life circumstances. My father thinks I'd lighten up if "I just got some action". I know a lot of this comes from my being what they see as a 'late bloomer'. I've never had what I'd consider a 'boyfriend', didn't go on a date till I was 19 and didn't have my first kiss until I was 20. My parents know the furthest I've gone with a friend I was make-out buddies with was some petting and kissing. So for a long time as a teenager my parents were concerned about me (and still hint at their thinking I'm gay and too afraid to own that identity - even though I've explained many, many times that while I identify as queer I'm not experiencing an identity crisis and anyway I'm a little bit more partial to men on average). I remember my mother in particular expressing frustration and embarrassment when friends or relatives asked if I 'had a boyfriend' or 'was dating anyone yet' and she didn't know what to say or felt put-out having to 'defend' my singleness.

When I try to explain EVERYTHING that I just outlined above to them I don't feel like I'm being heard. My mother thinks I'm being repressed and thinks my choice is at odds with my identifying with sex-positivity and that I need to embrace my sexuality more because I'm a sexual creature and animals are sexual and I wouldn't stop them and I'm a naturalist so I should know all about how sexual animals are and why don't I do something about it? I would be so much less uptight if I just got touched more and maybe if I weren't so particular about how and when I like being touched I would get touched more often. This usually results in an argument - in years past it might have become sort of explosive but more recently it ends sort of dismissively with either of us at odds but unable to budge.

Sorry I ended up writing a novel but I'm getting frustrated. What do you guys think?

Welcome to the boards!

You know, my overall reaction to what you've said about your parents' input here is "oof, people assuming that what would be right for Them (or what they think would be right for them) in a particular situation is therefore right for All Other People... I wish people would not do that".

Sometimes, for some people, dating or otherwise pursing relationships is a thing that helps get them going, feel more lively, build more social interaction, etc. But, as you've felt about your own self, that's not the whole story: it also requires particular resources and abilities. If you - or anyone else - feels that at this point in your life, you do not have the spare resources to date or to start relationships, that's entirely reasonable. Too, you sound pretty comfortable with that, so I'm seeing a complete lack of any problem with it. You sound like you do have a lot on your plate at the moment; I think it's very wise, and very healthy, for someone to be able to assess their own current situation and decide that a relationship isn't the thing that's going to fix the things that need fixing.

Of course you shouldn't have to date if you don't want to. It doesn't even matter what reason anyone has for not wanting to date or to start/have a relationship - if someone doesn't want it, they get to not have it. Relationships - or particular kinds of relationships - are not compulsory, and certainly not required for anyone to be a full, fulfilled human being.

Do you have some kind of trained support and management for the depression? Too, it sounds like you don't currently have as much social support as you might - do you have some ways or plan for improving that a little? Dating/romantic stuff is certainly not required, but one big effect of depression can be social isolation, which then gives the depression more to feed on. I know it's often challenging to keep on with any social contact when you have depression, but it's important to do whatever you can manage and feels not-bad for you.

Clearly, the conversations you've been having with your parents have not been changing their behaviour around this - I'm sorry they've not been listening properly to you . Do you find them generally at all open to adapting or revising their thinking on things, or do they tend to be very stuck in the way They see the world/particular issues? If they're at all adaptable, perhaps one way of approaching this might be to connect them with better education about depression? It's common for people to not properly understand that just "being more cheerful" won't fix depression. If they could learn that depression is not "having an unhappy space in one's life", they might be more able to let go of the idea that your not dating is that unhappy space, and therefore should be changed and filled with happy. If your parents are at all open to assisting you in ways that You want and need, they might find it easier to deal with the situation if they have things to do to try to help, rather than trying to come up with their own and getting it very wrong.

Of course, some people simply continue believing that their ways and beliefs are the right ways, no matter what. If you find yourself in that situation, I don't think there's anything you could say that will make them understand. In those situations, your best aim is not to change their opinions, but to simply require of them to stop saying the things that are hurting you or unhelpful to you.

Sounds like your mother is operating with a mistaken idea of what sex-positivity is. It is Not "yay, sex/relationships, cool"; it is "I can seek the kind of sexual life (including no partnered sex, including no sex) I want for myself and which is healthy for me". It is Not repressed to choose not to have sex or relationships that one doesn't want or that doesn't seem healthy, at any time; doing what seems best overall, and being reasonably comfortable with that, IS embracing one's sexuality and is entirely sex-positive. Have you already tried connecting your mother with better information about sex-positivity? If you haven't, then maybe doing that - and not in the middle of a disagreement, but at a more mellow time - is something to try. If you have, well, clearly, no dice; you can't convince someone of something they don't want to know, sadly. Again, your best option might be to try to agree to disagree and stop having those conversations, and respectfully but firmly remove yourself from them if she tries to start them anyway.

Do you need any tools for doing any of these things, if you like the sound of any of them?

Redskies sort of mentioned this in their response, but if changing your parents' minds isn't a good option - it certainly sounds like doing that is gonna be difficult, and honestly, you're not obliged to explain your reasoning to them or satisfy them that you're making decisions well - then would it be more helpful, perhaps, to take the position of "I know you don't agree with my decision, but it's mine and I'm happy with it, please respect that and stop trying to change my mind"? That wouldn't resolve all their worries and it might still leave some tension, but hopefully it would let you get on with your life without the active interference.