the l word

[dollparties]

(not lesbian(s)) (is it still cool to make bad movie references. i made the subject that just for my bad joke. sorry scarleteam.)
hello again! another week, another dollparties predicament.
my boyfriend this past weekend told me he loves me. we haven’t said it before, and he said it when i was expressing anxiety about whether or not i deserve this relationship. i was caught really off guard and ended up just… staring at him for a few seconds. i couldn’t tell if he was saying it lightly or if he actually meant it, and i didn’t ask for clarification because it was jarring.
i use ‘i love you’ very, very liberally with friends. i also have in past relationships, but that always ends badly for me, so i was trying to take my time with this one to make sure i actually MEAN IT. trouble is, i don’t know if i would mean it yet if i had said it back.
it’s not at all that i don’t *like* him. i really, truly do. but i don’t know if it’s love, and it worries me if we’re not on the same page? i think it could be love at some point, i definitely see our relationship going somewhere, but i’m getting so in my head about everything that i’m overcomplicating it.
why can’t i just find the feeling and tell him i love him too? he likes me. he truly likes me. he calls me pretty and holds my hands and kisses me (and always remembers not to use his tongue because i’ll bite) and he picks me up just to make me laugh and tolerates my playfighting and stubbornness and washes my makeup off for me and makes me eat when i’m neglecting my health. he makes me feel seen and taken care of and i really really like him so why can’t i love him yet? it’s stressing me out something terrible and i still don’t even know if he was serious and that makes it so much worse!
maybe i do love him and i’m projecting past relationship anxiety onto him so i can’t see it. i don’t know. what do i do?

[Sofi]

Hi dollparties!
First I want you to take a deep breath (or 10). I totally understand why you're so anxious about this, love isn't a game and it's okay to take it seriously! I also can agree with your self-assessment that you're in your head about it, so let's take a breath and try to clear your mind a bit.
You don't HAVE to tell him you love him back, and if anything, I suggest not doing it just to make him feel better because ultimately if you don't feel it, you'd be lying to him. You also shouldn't rush yourself, and it doesn't sound like he's particularly rushing you, so that's good. That all being said, maybe you do feel like you love him and don't feel ready to express it - that's okay, too. Maybe try looking at this "I love you too" as an expression of feelings rather than a commitment, it isn't as scary as it seems, but should only be said if you feel it. Does that make sense?
He sounds like a wonderful partner but only you know how you feel. I just want you to keep an open mind and open heart so you don't let overthinking get in the way of things. But because he's so understanding, you could also talk to him and tell him all this - remember when you were anxious about telling him how you feel like you don't deserve this love, and the conversation went great/he was wonderful about it? This could be like that! If and only if you feel like it, you could share that you feel this and that way about him, but are overthinking the 'love' wording and want to take more time to make sure it feels right to say it. How does it make you feel thinking of having this conversation?

[dollparties]

hi sofi!
thank you for your response!
i definitely don’t feel *obligated* to say it back, nor would i want to lie to him. he didn’t seem upset in the moment, more… concerned? i don’t think he intended to say it, really. what i had been saying to him was basically “i go home and worry myself sick that i did something to make you hate me, but above that, i hate thinking negatively of you like that and worry about how deserving i am.” and he had said “how about this: i love you, you don’t need to worry.” and i have a very difficult time managing my facial expressions, so i assume i looked pretty shocked.point is, i don’t feel rushed or pressured, just… guilty?
love is something i feel and try to express in abundance to my friends, but i’m tentative to apply it to romance after my last relationships. i can’t tell if i do love him, which i think is fine, just stressful. it does make sense though, thank you! i think some of the stress comes from this being my first blatantly adult relationship, if that makes sense? talk of planning dates around work, and how he’ll be out of the city this week and how i’ll be visiting family another. it feels more serious, and that intimidates me. it’s not something i’m unwilling to work with, of course, just feels different.
he really is wonderful, and he makes me *feel* loved. i hope i can do the same for him, even if i hesitate to tell him these things. i’m going to text him and ask if we can talk about this on our next day off, maybe.
i think it’s a good idea to have the conversation, despite it causing anxiety. thank you!

[Sofi]

I'm glad you're open to having a conversation about it, I think it'll feel good to express these feelings to him and it'll make you two closer. Regarding the stress of an adult relationship, that's definitely valid and it can feel like there's a lot of pressure (not by him, just by the nature of the relationship) due to the seriousness of it. It may help to take it one day and one step at a time: it feels like you have to make all these future plans, but if that overwhelms you, it's okay to take it one day at a time and go through the motions to allow yourself to feel increasingly more comfortable with the dynamic, rather than feel like you have to already be comfortable with it. It's super normal to not be used to that kind of adult relationship at this age, so you're not doing anything wrong by wanting time to adjust.
It might help, as far as the 'love' situation, to write out a list of pros and cons of saying it. Write out what scares you about saying it, like what would be worst case scenario; then write out what good could come of it. Then what could happen if you don't say it, vs what good would come out of not saying it. This might help you organize those thoughts and realize either that you don't need to say it or that it can't hurt to say it - whatever you decide is valid, also you don't need to decide right away, this is just to visualize all those thoughts in a more organized manner. How does that sound?

[dollparties]

thank you! i haven’t had the chance to talk to him yet, we’ve both been busier than usual.
it’s definitely new, i guess, to be in a more ‘mature’ or ‘adult’ relationship, but we both work full time and don’t go to college/university, so it is kind of just how it ended up working out. which is fine! he doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, he’s really quite understanding, but i get in my own head very often (hence the amount of time i spend talking here lol).

i think writing out pros / cons is a good idea! definitely better to get it out in writing where i can see and consider it as opposed to keeping it bouncing around in my brain. i’ll try that! thank you. :)

[dollparties]

update: i feel like a jerk! it wasn’t intentional, but it doesn’t really matter- i went about talking to him in a kind of crappy way.

i’m on my period, so already i’m aware that i’ve been a bit more emotional the past few days, and we had a situation where we were both kind of upset. i had gone to see him under the assumption i was staying the night, and after we had sex(which… there’s a whole other story with that, too. eugh.) he told me that i might have to leave that night as he had to help his family in the morning. (not at all upset about the family bit- it’s reassuring that he’s close with his family, and will openly admit to it, if that makes sense?) i told him i could leave early morning if he needed me too, but that it kind of felt like he invited me over to have sex and then send me home. i understood that this wasn’t the intention, but it still hurt my feelings a bit. he acknowledged that it really did seem that way, and apologized, explained to me a bit more what the situation was, and apologized again, saying he felt like an asshole. he was visibly upset by the whole thing, and i forgave him, because i do understand that circumstances like this will come up- but i tried to assert that my feelings WERE still hurt, i just wasn’t upset with HIM, necessarily.

i stayed with him for a couple more hours and we both decided it was time for me to go home, so we went out into the main area of the living space and talked for a bit while he got himself some food. i was still kind of emotionally gathering myself, and tried to bring up the thing i made this thread for. it took me a good 10 minutes due to anxiety, but eventually i was able to ask if he meant it in a lighthearted way or if he meant it meant it. he said he didn’t really know how to explain (which is fine! we’re both still working on our communication together, and i don’t want to hold him to standards i couldn’t necessarily fulfill myself.) but that he did mean it. this kind of stressed me out, but i thanked him for talking to me about it and tried to explain that i had been thinking about it since he said it.

anyway, we kind of jumped topics until my ride arrived, and as i was leaving i said “love you. dumbass.” and scurried out. the dumbass part was very very lighthearted and in adoration, and he knows this, we have a habit of playful rudeness. (i enjoy this! so does he! this is not my concern about the situation) however i feel like i could have timed it better, said it in a less high emotion situation, waited for him to say something, you know? i thought about it a lot since i posted last, and i stand by my choice to say it, but i wish i had done it better.

[Sam W]

Hi dollparties,

You know, I think it was still a big step to bring this up with him, even if you feel like you could have timed it better. There are definitely better and worse times to raise a big topic like this, but there can also be a thing where we get so caught up in finding juuuust the right moment that we end up putting off conversations that need to happen. And, on the plus side, it's out there now, so you don't have to devote that mental energy to thinking about and planning how to say it. Have you two had a chance to talk since all this happened?

This is somewhat related, but maybe in the future it would be helpful to talk through the plans for a visit ahead of time so you don't end up each assuming a night will have a different structure. That kind of communication can help head off at least a few arguments and hurt feelings.

[dollparties]

hi sam!

i am relieved that it’s out there, so that’s one less thing kind of weighing on me! i just wish i had gone about it in a better way. this isn’t me accusing sofi (or anyone on the boards) of bad advice or not supporting me enough, at all, i hope it doesn’t come off that way! it was just a split second decision that kind of overruled all the planning in my brain. :’)

we haven’t really talked about it since then, i texted him and apologized for being a bit dramatic, and then we moved on to other topics. i’m not concerned about this, i don’t think, because we tend to draw a line of what is and isn’t appropriate for text conversations to avoid misunderstandings, and this falls on the ‘in person talks’ side of that line.

we usually do! i was told i could stay the night, but something came up last minute. absolutely don’t blame him, but my feelings were still hurt, i guess? i’m okay now, but it stung at the time. he seemed to seriously feel bad, so it kind of softened the blow.

[Sam W]

I'm glad two hear you two are still working on communication! And you know, it's okay to feel hurt or disappointed sometimes, even if we know a partner isn't doing anything wrong, and learning how to navigate those moments is part of learning how to have relationships in general.

[dollparties]

thank you! i struggle a lot with detaching negative feelings about a situation from negative feelings about a person, so this is an improvement for me. whenever i see him next i think we’ll talk about the other thing more, but i just hope it’s alright. :’) i worry!

[Sofi]

Hi dollparties! Just caught up on the thread - I'm sorry that 'moment' didn't really turn out how you hoped it would, or wanted it to! It sounds like he's not upset about it, so that's good, and hopefully talking about it in person will clear anything up that might need clearing up or discussing further. Re: your last post, I can honestly relate to worrying about stuff like that, anxiety can show up when we least want it to but I think you're doing amazing. I'm impressed with your level of self awareness and being able to recognize when your feelings are hurt vs when you're upset at that person, so kudos for that! Keep us posted, I am sending you good vibes for your conversation to go smoothly