my body, mind, and emotions don't align with what I want sexually.

[Vivi]

So, hi scarleteen. I'm in a much better state of mind than I was in my last post, I guess.
So, I don't know if this okay or not but it seems like I'm not functioning properly. I've been thinking over the problem I have with masturbation and like, sexual acts in general and I feel like it's been getting worse, in terms of what like, I want and what my body wants. I don't know how to describe it, but there's a rift.
For example, I guess, the increasingly disturbing fantasies. Like, I'd be sitting down eating lunch with my friends and suddenly it'd come into my head about how cute the girl walking past was, then what I'd be like to sleep with her. Even things like a scene where I'm being tied up in some kind of bdsm scene when I have absolutely no interest in bdsm- things like that. I honestly hate them, because they pop up absolutely everywhere and I can't unsee or unthink them, especially the more graphic ones where I have to physically leave and get some fresh air to stop myself from getting horny over it. Oh, and so I don't forget, the constant horniness when the last thing I want to do is be horny. I'd be minding my own business, in the middle of a mathematics test or something when suddenly- I get the urge. Even worse, I don't even WANT or even want to be part of these thoughts. It's hard to ignore though when my hormones are raging, I get physically aroused and bothered, plus part of me is just begging for it. I still get that icky feeling about it and I really really really don't want anything to do with it, but I can't stop it. It makes me feel kind of yuck when it happens, and I can't concentrate on anything else at all until it ends.
I have a feeling something is wrong with my sex drive or something, because all of my other friends don't get like this- at least when I ask them they say that. Even if they get horny they don't obsess over it.
Is there any way to stop this?

[Sam W]

Hi Vivi,

I'm sorry these feelings are still causing you so much distress. When it comes to the fantasies or "what ifs" that pop into your head, I wonder if it might help to re-frame them a little. A lot of us grow up thinking that anything related to sex, including fantasies or just the desire for sex itself, is fundamentally different and dirtier than any of our other thoughts or urges. But the truth is, they're not; they're just one of many thoughts or feelings our bodies can generate, no worse than something like hunger. One thing to think about is whether you have thoughts that pop into your head about other things that you have no interest in; most of us experience those at some point or another. If you do, what do you think makes the sexual ones feel so much more upsetting than other random thoughts?

When it comes to those more general sexual urges, those are actually really common, and I'd wager they're even more common in your friend group than gets talked about; there's a lot of pressure, especially for young women, to act like they don't experience intense or frequent sexual desire. And honestly, outside of avoiding things that turn you on, there isn't a lot you can do to make those urges stop. If you don't want to act of them, or are in a space where you literally can't, then sometimes all you can do is ride them out until they stop, you know?

[Vivi]

Sorry about the late reply, I was busy studying for a test due and forgot to check-
So, uh, why it feels different and more upsetting from other random thoughts is that… like it’s a situation I don’t feel safe in and I really don’t want to think about it, unlike something uninteresting, if it’s uninteresting, It’s forgettable. It might not be something I like but it’s not, you know, to the point where I can’t concentrate on what I’m supposed to be doing. Like the bdsm thing. I people like it and enjoy it but If that was me… I just can’t enjoy it because It’s just… not my thing, and I am uncomfortable with it. And when I get the fantasies I really don’t want to get them, you know?
Yeah I do feel really icky about it and I guess I do have to just wait it out but it’s hard.

[Sam W]

No worries, you get to engage in conversations here at whatever pace works for you!

I wonder, if you find it hard to keep those sexual thoughts or fantasies from popping up, do you think it's worth trying to redirect them? For instance, if the BDSM one comes to mind, maybe instead of trying to push it away entirely you see if you can shift the fantasy into a kind of romantic or sexual situation you do feel safe with or like imagining?