I Feel Like My C-PTSD Ruins My Relationships

[Babygirlbambi]

Hi, I’m AFAB, neurodivergent, and 20 years old. I have depression, anxiety, and C-PTSD from sexual trauma. I have a history of entering into relationships that don’t last long-term. I think this because of my mental illness. I feel like I’m incapable of being loved and care for. Self love for a traumatized/intellectually disabled person is harder to do compared to nuerotypical people.

Outside of my relationships, it’s hard for me to maintain a job, and I can’t go to college due to my disability. It seems like nothing in my life is ever stable. My friends and family don’t care if I struggle, and I go to psychiatry and therapy, but I feel like everything in my life is turbulent.

I put this post in relationships because the only thing I want in my life is to have a stable and happily relationship that’ll end in marriage. I want someone to care and provide for me. It’s hard searching for that when every relationship I end up in never progresses. My friends are in long term relationships. Should I just give up? No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who’s broken as me.

Does anyone have articles or podcasts or some of media about anyone who’s going through the same situation as me? I live in a small town, so there’s little to no services for YA who are ND or mentally disturbed.

[Sofi]

Hi Babygirlbambi, welcome to the boards!
I'm sorry you're feeling like you should give up on finding a relationship - I'll start by saying, you deserve a happy, stable, healthy relationship and those don't always come easily to everyone. It does take a lot of tries for some of us, and that's okay! Comparing yourself to your friends will only make you feel like you're late on it, which isn't true. Everyone has their own timeline of when they find that long-term relationship (and for many people, there is more than one in their lifetime, so it's not a linear process!) My best advice is to take some pressure off the search so it doesn't become too stressful, and in the meantime, I encourage you to work on seeing yourself as someone who is capable and deserving of a stable relationship, and your mental illness isn't the reason you've not found one yet.
There's a really helpful advice column on here that I think will resonate with you, give it a read if you can: I Just Want a Relationship