Scarleteen

Hello, First and foremost, I had a post/thread on the archived boards I titled "Think I Just Need Validation." This will be a continuation of it. Here's the link to the original archived thread if it works and I'm allowed to post it here: http://www.scarleteen.com/cgi-bin/forum ... p=1&r=actu

Anyway, I wanted to give an update on the past year's events. The last time I posted, I was deeply suicidal and self-harming. I apologize for leaving everyone hanging after stating I was suicidal. As you can see, I'm still here.

Honestly, I've been wanting to continue the conversation I had going under my "Validation" thread, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Too scary and I was afraid of being triggered. I finally built up the courage last night to come back, and while I've achieved my goal of continuing my thread, I don't know how soon I'll come back to it or how frequently since it's still kind of scary to look back at how low I was 1 year ago. But hopefully I'll be able to keep mustering up the courage and it'll help me heal.

I did end up acting upon my suicidal thoughts, and my self-harming (cutting) was getting way out of control. I was hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital for some time and started a medication regimen -- as I've stated before, I was really reluctant to take medication for my psychological disturbances, but I've found a lot of relief from my panic disorder and I have seen a great decrease in my panic attacks. I can even go out in public now without really having to worry about having a panic attack. Additionally, how I've said I sometimes go through periods of eating very little -- during my hospitalization, I was diagnosed with "a history of bulimia" (non-purging), and I've been seeing a wonderful therapist for going on 7 months now who is helping me with that, along with all my other concerns. I also see my psychiatrist every few months; he monitors my weight and helps me with my medication regimen if I have any concerns about it.

Also, before I forget, I want to say that I have had NO contact with J between the last time I posted here and now. As it was when I began the archived thread, I have no contact with J and he has not made any attempts to contact me. I've had on-and-off thoughts of taking legal action, but I've decided that doing so would bring me no psychological/emotional good (if anything, it would only bring more hurt), but the point here is that I am still safe from J, thankfully.

As for my best friend...I don't think there is a relationship between us anymore. I feel I am heavily to blame for that (I'll explain it a little more in-depth at a later time) but for now I just wanted to say what's been going on with that as of right now.

And also, my cousin. I know I've said before she can be a very bad trigger for me, and I've found that that's only grown worse with time (which I'm about 90% sure she is aware of but doesn't really care), so I think the best thing for me is to maintain only a limited relationship from here on out, and even then only with her 1-year-old daughter (who I love very much) as the priority.

I finally received my new diagnosis of Asperger's this past September, and after the New Year starts, the state will be helping me with finding work, beginning college, etc. My dad and I moved this past spring, so that is why it took so long for things to get going with the state.

Well, I think that's just about the past year in a nutshell. Once again, I'm sorry for leaving off by stating I was severely suicidal. I'm very much still here. And since like I said I don't know when I'll have the courage to come check in again, to finish on a positive note, Happy New Year to all Scarleteen-ers who will be celebrating the New Year today and tomorrow

Hi Faunamaude,

I'm so glad you were able to check back in with us! I'm glad you've been able to get the help you need, and that your diagnosis finally came through so you can access more resources (and kudos for working out and setting a boundary with your cousin). Happy new year

I'd also like to stop in and say thanks for updating us on your situation. I'm glad things are looking up for you. Having an outside support group is really helpful towards having a direct lifeline towards the resources you need, and it's a brave action to seek that out.

Another important thing I see here in your recap is that you're learning how to create boundaries in your life and keep yourself away from people who may draw you into destructive behaviors. Setting those boundaries can create a ripple effect for you as you build more confidence in yourself.

Keep us updated on your progress going forward, and if there's anything you need to continue work through, we're here.

Hello again! I'm on my way to create a post on a different thread, but since I haven't been on for a while and just now saw suburban_witch's response: (trigger warning: eating disorders)

Thank you for your support. I'm glad things are starting to look up for me, too, haha. I'm still kind of working on my boundary-setting, but as far as my cousin is concerned, I think I've been doing pretty well. I don't know I ever mentioned this, but she is a huge. HUGE. Trigger for my bulimia. (which I believe I mentioned was the diagnosis I finally received 1 year ago, the "starvation mode" periods I go through? I initially thought it was anorexia nervosa, but I binge-eat and go into "starvation mode" to compensate, so that's the best-fitting diagnosis for me.) I've never actually said to her I've been diagnosed, let alone that I struggle with disordered eating, but I'm 90% sure she figured it out but still says triggering things anyway. As you can imagine it's pretty hurtful, so I avoid her whenever contact is unnecessary, and I especially try to avoid being in situations with her where eating/food would be involved since as mentioned those are particularly triggering situations for me. I feel kind of sad that I'm doing this, but at the same time I realize it's for my own well-being especially because of the way my cousin behaves toward me since telling her about J and how she seems to deliberately trigger me.

And also, to Sam, as I never responded to you either: thank you so much for your support, too I'm still learning about all the different resources that are near me that can help me in terms of my Asperger's and putting together a "life" (finding work, going to college, learning how to drive) while coping with my past and my emotional diagnoses, and while I'm still learning about them and working with them, I'm surprised at how much help is out there now that I've gotten my "official" diagnoses and how there's so many supportive people who want to help me grow as a person while being understanding and accommodating regarding my emotions. It's really opened up the door for me to the (very wonderful) help I've been looking for.

Well, I don't know when I'll be posting again, so thank you everyone for your support! It's comforting to know I have this resource (or, as suburban_witch said, an outside support group!) for when I get "stuck."

Hi Faunamaude,

I'm so glad you're still doing well! We're all sending good thoughts your way