Scarleteen

The title pretty much says it all. Been having some... for lack of a better term, gender issues. What really confuses me is why I'm having these feelings so late (I am 18 now).

When I was a kid, I didn't give a damn about what I wore. My mom picked everything from underwear to sleepwear to shoes to especially formal/outerwear. She kept my hair long because she liked taking care of it, moisturizing and tying it up in neat braids and other such updos like I was her own personal doll for her to show off to her friends and relatives. She took care of me; I didn't care all that much.

By the time I entered high school and lived apart from her for the first time, I had most of my hair chopped off. I told her I could never be as diligent as her in taking care of it, so she agreed that neck length would be more manageable for me. I still compliantly wore my school uniform blouse and skirts (in my country all schools have uniforms unlike in the West). Outside of that though, since my mom wasn't dressing me anymore, I wore almost exclusively hand-me-downs from my dad, uncles, and male cousins. She still insisted on dressing me "properly" when we were attending some event or family reunion, but other than that she let me do whatever I wanted, even though she personally found it distasteful. At least I contented myself with free hand-me-downs and never asked to buy anything, she and my dad agreed.

Now, though, I don't feel comfortable with her dressing me up like a girl anymore, even if it's just for family reunions and such. It feels like crossdressing, putting on some kind of costume or disguise and pretending I'm someone else. To be honest, that's how femininity in general feels like to me: a performance I put on a few times a year for the benefit of relatives and my parents' friends.

A few months ago, I finally got the courage to have all my hair shaved off, in an almost bald military-cut. I hesitated for a long time because I didn't know if the shape of my head suited that kind of style, but I was pleasantly surprised by how good it looked. I never think about my appearance positively, so this is a rarity. My dad also recently moved houses, and left a lot of his old clothes that didn't fit anymore to me.

These days I would go out with my military cut, a pair of jeans and a polo or button up that once belonged to my dad, and a baseball cap. Strangers defaulted to calling me sir or mister, and I don't mind it. What I do mind is what happens sometimes when I open my mouth and a painfully high pitched voice comes out: they apologize and say the word ma'am way too many times. Each time that happened, it's like a little part of me withers away. I would much prefer if they just kept silent after hearing my voice.

Why am I like this? I was fine with being my mother's obedient girl-doll as a kid, why not now? Did letting my mother be solely in charge of my gender as a kid permanently impair my own sense of it? Does feeling that "wearing women's clothes/makeup/etc feel like crossdressing" even make sense for someone who was born female? I'm just so confused.

Hi cherryrain,

I think there are a couple of things all tangled together that are at play here, so let's see if we can tease them out a bit.

It sounds like part of what's going on is that you're still transitioning into adulthood; for a lot of us, our teenage and young adult years are a time where we're differentiating ourselves from our parents. That could be why your mom dressing you according to her desires rather than yours is no longer something you can tolerate. Too, while I don't think what your mom did impaired your sense of your gender, I do think it constrained your ability to explore it when you were growing up, which could contribute to how you're feeling lately.

As for whether how you're feeling makes sense, it absolutely does! There are plenty of women out there who find the usual trappings of femininity just aren't for them and feel like a costume when they put them on. For example, have you ever had a chance to read about or look at accounts of butch women? If so, did that feel like an experience that resonated with you?

It's ALSO possible that some of what you're feeling is an indicator that cis woman isn't a gender identity that speaks to you, period. If you're familiar with trans identities, or with non-binary ones (like agender, genderqueer, etc), do any of those feel like they might apply to you?

> For a lot of us, our teenage and young adult years are a time where we're differentiating ourselves from our parents. That could be why your mom dressing you according to her desires rather than yours is no longer something you can tolerate.

I think I would still be fine with her picking out things for me to wear for special events, even now, if it weren't women's clothes. (It was fine when I was a small child, but now I'm tall, broad, fat, and hairy; femininity looks grotesque on me.) She used to shop for my dad, so I think she could come up with nice-looking things. I will admit my relationship with my parents, my mother especially, may not be all that normal. I know most everything about them (their entire life stories, family histories and secrets, and past relationships), and I've been told before that I didn't have the space for deep interpersonal relationships with other people because I was so singularly immersed in my parents' lives and marriage. So there's that.

> I think your ability to explore gender when you were growing up was constrained.

There was no desire to explore. As soon as I grew too tall, broad, fat, and hairy for the things my mother wanted me to wear, I turned to the hand-me-downs from male relatives and that was that.

> Have you ever had a chance to read about or look at accounts of butch women? If so, did that feel like an experience that resonated with you?

I try to avoid literature about feminism. Everything I read just makes me feel even less like a female. I've never been catcalled, never received any sexual or romantic advances from anyone, never experienced misogyny in general (because the way I present causes people to perceive me as a neutral presence instead of a girl), never had sex, never had a relationship, have no desire for either of those things, have no intention of ever getting pregnant, the list goes on. I've always looked old for my age; tough and bulky. I've been perceived as an adult by strangers since I was 13 and I never had any qualms about walking around at night in the relatively poor neighborhood I grew up in, or the city I live in now. None of the experiences/oppression of girlhood or womanhood apply to me.

> If you're familiar with trans identities, or with non-binary ones (like agender, genderqueer, etc), do any of those feel like they might apply to you?

I know I'm not trans. I have no body dysphoria manifesting as a desire to have hormone treatments, top surgery, or genital surgery. I'm even fine wearing female underwear under my masculine clothing because they're objectively more comfortable than the alternative and nobody ever sees them, so who cares. I also don't care that much how I'm referred as.

I've read a little about the other labels, but they always felt too abstract to me. A lot of LGBT literature in general does, to be honest, since it's just from a different world (the west) than where I am.

I do want to say that butch identity is inherently a "feminist" thing; it's just one way of many that women can express themselves, and I wonder if some of the experiences of butch women might resonate with you. Would you be open to reading a little about them, or even just looking at some photo essays? Too, it might help to push back a little on the idea that there's one, universal set of "female" experiences, because there isn't; how we feel about our gender is what determines it, not whether we've checked off all the boxes on how women go through the world.

Part of why I brought up the idea of trans identities is that being trans isn't solely about wanting a physical transition. It isn't even about having dysphoria for some people. What actually made me bring it up was you mentioning how you feel when people switch from calling you "sir" to calling you "ma'am;" you describe being read as male or as neutral as feeling good, and being read as female as not feeling good, which can sometimes (not always) be an indicator that you'd be happier being perceived as male full-time.

Would you be comfortable sharing what country you're in? While a lot of non-binary identities are presented as a new, "western" idea, they actually exist everywhere (and in many places have historical precedent), and I might be able to find a discussion of nonbinary identities that feels more culturally relevant to you.

> Would you be open to reading a little about them, or even just looking at some photo essays?

Sure!

> What actually made me bring up being trans was you mentioning how you feel when people switch from calling you "sir" to calling you "ma'am;" you describe being read as male or as neutral as feeling good, and being read as female as not feeling good, which can sometimes (not always) be an indicator that you'd be happier being perceived as male full-time.

I know I tick some of the boxes on the trans checklist; I've gone down it. The reason I'm okay with or even like being perceived as a man/masculine is not because I think I am one but because it allows me to become a neutral presence, fading into the background. Femininity always stands out and people can't help but look at you; that's another reason it doesn't fit me.

> Would you be comfortable sharing what country you're in?

I'm from the Philippines.

Hi cherryrain -- I left a note for Sam on our backend to share whatever resources she had in mind when she responded last. I read through your thread and wanted to make a note of something: not all people with trans identities have a desire to have hormone treatments or gender-affirming surgeries. You said that you know you're not trans, but I just wanted to mention that just in case that not wanting any kind of physical changes was the only or the main indicator you were using. There's really no right or wrong way to be any gender, and it's not always a matter of "being trans" or "not being trans."

Hi cherryrain,

Okay, here are some different resources and pages to check out!

This Instagram account that collects images of different butch women: https://www.instagram.com/butchisnotadirtyword/?hl=en. There's also this collection by a specific photographer: https://www.themegallen.com/Meg-Allen-Studio/BUTCH-1/.

As for more general LGBT stuff, this is a collection of movies by filmmakers in the Philippines that address the history of the movement and LGBT identities within the country: https://preen.ph/96569/four-films-to-ed ... q-movement.
These two links are also for Philippines-specific LGBT organizations, so they're more likely to cover those topics in ways that feel culturally relevant to you: https://upbabaylan.org/, http://www.galangphilippines.org/