How to get over my partner's sexual history

[honeybutterbee]

Hi Scarleteen!

Recently, my partner confided in me that he/she had sexual intercourse with his/her ex when they were still together and it was his/her first time doing so. It's totally fine since it's the past; no biggie. However, why do I feel hurt, upset, and disappointed that I am not the first person he/she had sex with? (I haven't experienced sexual intercourse yet) Plus, I kept imagining them having sex. These thoughts are so annoying and they're making me uncomfortable and anxious. Please help, what do I do?

[Siân]

Hi honeybutterbee,

This sounds like one of those annoying moments where what you know in your head (that it's the past, and doesn't say anything about your partner's relationship with you) and what you feel in your heart (sad that your partner's first time won't be with you) don't line up. I hear that you want to be able to do something about these feelings to make them go away, but honestly I think all you can do is give yourself permission to feel them for a moment and allow them to fade with time. It's okay to feel upset, as long as you're not blaming your partner for their past.

I understand that the intrusive thoughts you're having - imagining the sex your partner had in the past - are upsetting, but this is one of those funny tricks of the mind where pushing them away can actually make them worse. Noticing the thought and then carrying on with what you're doing is actually much more effective. This worksheet has some good suggestions for how to deal with intrusive thoughts.

You mentioned in your other thread that you're unpicking the impacts purity culture has had on your sexuality - I wonder if those ideas are influencing how you feel about your partner having had sex before?

Also, if one of the things adding to your upset is a feeling that if you and your partner decide to have sex you want it to be special somehow, I can promise you that no matter how many people you've had sex with the first time with someone new can always feel special and important, just like the first time ever having sex can be underwhelming. There isn't a particular first time magic that is then lost forever! Does that help?

[honeybutterbee]

Hi Sian! Thank you for your response!

Indeed, what I know in my head doesn't line up with what I feel in my heart... which is very frustrating. Thank you for the advice and for the worksheet! They're a big help. Although, the problem now is that I am not sure on how I'll "feel" these thoughts. Do I cry??? (because I used to suppress my feelings and now I don't know how to process them effectively... although I am trying by keeping a journal where I write all my feelings)

And yes, the purity culture did affect my sexuality and how I viewed sex. One feeling/intrusive thought that I'm having is that I feel disgusted by my partner because he/she had sex. I think this is because I have been taught that those who engage in pre-marital sex are "impure." And it's hard to get out from this culture because it's very internalized in my system

Also, it's my first time having a romantic partner. It's my first time doing sexual activities with a person (kissing & dry humping). So I think I understand why I'm feeling upset that I wouldn't be his/her first. It's my pride that's making me feel this (which doesn't make sense ). I also find the last paragraph sooo comforting, thank you very much!!

[Sam W]

Hi honeybutterbee,

I think you let out those feelings in whatever way feels safe and comfortable to you. I actually think using the journal you've been keeping is a great idea! That's a space that's all your own to process, and you can do things like tear up a page if you need to (some people find that helps them feel like they're acknowledging a thought isn't something they wanted to hold on to).