Is feeling this guilty normal?

[Jiseung18]

Hello,

So my name is Tyler and I posted a post a couple of days or so before about feeling guilty about masturbating to someone else other than my boyfriend and how guilty I felt. I don't know why its so hard to get over this feeling of guilt. I really don't get it. I am in my first relationship ever and I feel like the average person would be able to get over this fairly easily. But for me its just not that easy. I keep beating myself up over my private thoughts that I only had about once or twice. I keeping thinking to myself " Yeah but my boyfriend wouldn't have thought the things I thought about, why did I think those things, how could I think about having sex with another guy other than my boyfriend??" these thoughts keep coming up in my mind and bringing me guilt. My boyfriend is very strict about faithfulness. It just doesn't feel right to think sexually about other guys other than my boyfriend so I PERSONALLY choose not to. And even the couple of times I did it was 1. during the beginning of our relationship or 2. when I was literally about to break up with him because things were going so bad. I am personally much more comfortable with only fantasizing about my boyfriend than thinking about other guys or watching porn. But now things in our relationship have improved tremendously but I just can't seem to completely shake this feeling of guilt and betrayal from my mind. I mean I have been faithful but I feel like I have emotionally cheated on my boyfriend or something because of my past thoughts. But in reality all I want is to be with him and continue our relationship and be happy. Is there something wrong with me or how I think?? Am I just allowing negative thoughts to beat me up??

[Heather]

This really is about thoughts you can't control and also about holding unto some thoughts and ideas that you CAN have more control over.

In other words, people can't control their sexual thoughts, for the most part, including fantasies, which almost everyone has. Even if your boyfriend has not, which is unlikely, he'd be in the serious minority, especially over a lifetime.

But what you can change is what you're attaching to this. Monogamy or exclusivity agreements can only be about our actions, not our thoughts, because we have control over our actions, so can honor agreements we make around them. Our thoughts are not something we often can control, so we can't make agreements about that. So, if anyone had a monogamy agreement that involved thoughts, I'd be saying that's not a sound agreement.

This is not a betrayal, and really, I think this is just going to be about you taking what time you need to accept that.

[Heather]

I have another thought that might be helpful.

Do you ever daydream about your life, like years and years down the road, thinking about a range of possibilities? Possibilities which may or may not include your current boyfriend?

If so, is THAT something you feel guilty about or feel is some kind of cheating?

[Jiseung18]

Thank you for your reply and thoughts!

That is a good question. Well I mean of course I have thought about my future with and without my boyfriend and what it would look like. Especially during a very rough time during our relationship when I tried to break up with him. And since he is my first boyfriend and one of the first guys I have ever had a sexual relationship with I have also thought about what it would be like to date other guys etc. I think you're right though. It will probably just take some time for me to accept that my thoughts are just thoughts and that they are mine. I'm quite used to being very honest and open with my boyfriend (he says I'm a bit too honest and tell him things he really didn't need to know sometimes and that I don't need to tell him every little thing) and because my boyfriend prides himself on being so strict on faithfulness in the relationship I get kind of guilt tripped into even feeling bad about having had sexual thoughts and masturbating to other guys. Its almost like I have beaten up myself so much that I have lost my own sense of privacy. If that helps you understand me better..

[Heather]

Sure, I can make sense of that, and I also agree with your own self-assesment here. You've created guit that now you are having a hard time letting go of.

You know, you say your boyfriend is very intense about faithfulness, but have you two ever really talked about what that means, and what you both are actually agreeing to?

A lot of people -- oddly enough, usually people who are more intense about this stuff than others, especially -- never actually talk about and make clear the monogamy agreements they're making. Being unclear not only means people may assume one partner is agreeing to something they are not, but it also can result in worry about cheating a lot. It kind of makes sense to feel stressed about doing something wrong when you aren't sure exactly what would or would not be wrong in the first place, you know?

[Jiseung18]

Thanks Heather once again for replying.

When I talked to my boyfriend a couple days ago I was trying to have him understand how I felt without exactly explaining to him why I felt so guilty and he told me "Well I'm honored that you choose not to watch porn while dating me and its true that I feel better knowing that you don't watch it but if you did watch porn I would rather you watch it than have you cheat on me."

PS. My boyfriend has also watched porn while dating me. At least in the beginning he did but him and I both don't anymore. Or at least that

The more I type this out and read my thought process out loud the more I keep thinking to myself "Why on earth are you beating yourself or feeling THIS guilty for your own private thoughts and acting as if you actually cheated on your boyfriend? This is ridiculous"

I'm like telling him these things will do me no good because they will just hurt him and bring out his insecurity. And I shouldn't feel the need to have to tell my partner every little thing. Especially if its unimportant. My boyfriend says that there are certain things you shouldn't tell your partner because it can hurt them for no reason. As much of an honest and open person that I am perhaps this would be one of those things..

[Heather]

Talking about what your exclusivity agreement actually invokves does not have to mean disclosing about your fantasies, if that does not feel right, or you do not feel ready for that.

You can ask about fantasy, and how you both feel about that if you want regardless.

Personally, though, again, I would not even consider either of you making agreements about things that you cannot entirely control, like your thoughts. It would be like promising someone you will never get sick when that is both not entirely in your control and also bound to happen, despite your efforts to the contrary.

If it turns out your partner wants thoughts to be part of the agreement, then you will need to talk about that and let him know neither of you can make those kinds of agreements soundly, and should focus on actions, which are totally within your control.