Scarleteen

Hello,
I'm recently in a relationship with someone I've known for 9 months. We got together 2 months ago. We've been friends before that. Recently I came across red flags in relationships and how people miss them. Then I got very afraid that my relationship is toxic and I'm missing all the signs. I read some on "Why does he do that" and it was informative. But it didn't really resonate with me. I visited some other sites to learn about this but nothing seems very bad in my relationship. But there's this voice that's going "what if you're missing things?". The only thing I can think of is we spend a lot of time together and we said I love you pretty early in the relationship. I didn't think this was bad, and still don't think this is bad because we knew each other before. I don't think there's anything worse than maybe it's too fast. But now I'm wondering, "is this toxic? why can't I see this is toxic?" Is this part of love bombing? I can't seem to trust my judgement because even though nothing feels actually wrong, my mind is pointing at things and going "maybe this is wrong"? What am I even supposed to do? I told him I felt this way and we agreed to take some space. Part of me feels like not being able to communicate with him is making it worse but I do think I will take space and not contact him. I'm very afraid I'm missing red flags but I truly think I'm nitpicking things and making it a bigger deal. For ex, he told me that he likes it when I wear my hair down. I thought this was nice. But now my brain says, "is this actually controlling?". I don't think so because he doesnt tell me to wear it down, and doesn't criticize me when I don't have it down. But this is what my brain says. I don't think I can see clearly. I also have a huge problem with fixating on random things, blowing them up and obsessing over them in an unhealthy manner. I have seen the same pattern happen before in my life. That's why this is even more confusing.

Is this a sign that I'm not ready for a relationship? I really like him and don't want to loose him though. But I also don't want to keep going through with this.
Any help is appreciated
Thanks
viv

Hi Viv,

So, there are a few different things going on here, and before I jump into the other stuff I want to ask if you've ever gotten any evaluation or support for an anxiety disorder. It sounds like the fixation and anxiety you're experiencing are part of recurring pattern for you, one that tends to cause you a lot of stress. That kind of pattern can indicate an underlying issue like anxiety or OCD.

I'm not seeing any red flags in what you're describing; even saying you look nice with your hair down sounds more like he was trying to give a compliment or express a mild preference. I do think it was sound to take a break from dating him, if only because it seems like you're not in a headspace where you can be comfortable or happy in the relationship. It may be worth asking yourself: what kind of reassurance, information, or other things would you need in order to quiet those "what ifs?"

I have been an anxious person but never been diagnosed or anything. I think I need help learning what too fast is and is that by definition extremely toxic. Imo I don’t think it is by definition very bad. I think it can be if it’s one person pulling all the strings and being controlling. But if it’s just people getting caught up in romance and moving too fast it’s ok, maybe not very healthy. I don’t think what we’ve been doing (staying up, meeting everyday, going on dates) is toxic or bad or red-flaggy. But I think external approval of my opinions. I’m afraid I’m blinded and not thinking straight. Another thing is he was mean to two of our friends in two different instances. He did apologize but this has been on my mind. Do I ask him about this? I don’t think he’s a mean person but a nice person who did some mean things. But once again, I have this voice in my head “what if he is a douchebag” even though he never seemed like that to me. The other part is these feelings seems to have sprung out of nowhere. I was quite happy and all of a sudden I feel like this. I’m just afraid I’ll never stop feeling like this. Maybe I’m afraid that if someone isn’t perfect then they’re just bad. I don’t think I’m able to think in a nuanced way where some things might be bad but not everything is bad.

I think I need help learning to trust my own judgement too.

I think it's worth looking into mental healthcare for that anxiety, just to see if there are ways of addressing it that help lower the amount of it or the influence it has on your life overall. If that's something you're open to we're happy to talk about how to get started looking for it. You can also check out these tools, many of which are designed to help people manage their anxiety: Anxiety and Other Mental Health Resources. I suspect that, the more you work on managing the underlying anxiety, the easier it will get to trust your judgment in some ways.

When we're talking about going to be fast being a red flag, you're right that an imbalance in who's pushing for that speed is a sign it's not a good pace, because that means the OTHER person's boundaries are already being run over or ignored. Too, things like spending lots of time together, talking a bunch, going on dates as often as you can are all really common things for people in the midst of a new, exciting relationship. The red flags are more often things like one person pushing for big leaps in emotion or commitment, like saying "I love you" after two dates or wanting to move in together after a month; things that are less about the swirl of new relationship energy and more about getting the other person very invested in them and under their control.

I think it may help to remember that abuse is about patterns of behavior designed to control the other person, rather than isolated incidents (for example, it only takes one instance of physical violence to signal that a relationship is unsafe). All of us are going to have moments where we're mean, or raise our voice, or otherwise act in some not-great ways. While we should work to avoid those moments, having them doesn't instantly make us abusive. It's when someone keeps doing those things and does them as a way to manipulate or control others that indicates abuse. Does that make sense?

That does make sense thank you. Final question. You mentioned that one person saying I love you after 1-2 dates is red-flaggy. I think that's the case in most relationships because you really don't know each other. But I think in our case it's not too bad because we did know each other before and we both wanted to say it. Can there be instances where saying 'i love you' early is not horrible given the context?
thanks

Hi ndisg, yes, usually when talking about situations where someone saying "I love you" is "too soon", that "too soon" is where the relationship has not existed long enough for the people in it to know each other well at all, and have developed a level of emotional intimacy where this would make sense. So after only 1-2 dates for people who didn't know each other/were only acquaintances.

It sounds like in your situation, that you and your boyfriend have been good friends and shared the level of emotional intimacy that goes along with a friendship, and grew to love each other as friends, and then realised that there was a romantic feeling there. Would I have that right? In this kind of case, as you mentioned, the relationship has had time to develop a level of intimacy.

Also, and importantly, I hear you saying that you both felt the same way and felt ready to share your feelings, which is really important.

As Sam mentioned, the other factor that makes "declarations of love too early" a red flag for abuse specifically is when the person is using the declaration to try and push the relationship to go at a pace the other person is not comfortable, by creating a sense of obligation to them, and there will be a pattern of this kind of behaviour, and attempts at coercive control in general.

Also, someone can blurt out a declaration a bit soon because they're swept up in the feelings of a relationship, but if they did so not with an intent control the other person, would then respect the person not yet being in a place where they can feel the same thing, not put pressure on them to reciprocate, acknowledge they were swept up and said this earlier than was wise and be mindful of that. Someone using an act to love bomb will instead have other patterns of trying to control the person and make them feel obligated to progress the commitment to soon/their love as an excuse for any kind of bad behaviour (eg. cancelling someone's plans for them without consent because "I love you so much I just wanted to spend the whole day with you", and so trying to make the other feel guilty for being upset for something done out of 'love').

Hopefully this makes sense and helps put you at ease here. Did you have a chance to take a look at the mental health resources that Sam linked above? What did you think of them?

Thank you so much for your replies. All of this has been very helpful and reassuring. One thing I've noticed is that telling my friends has been very helpful. It helped me formulate my thoughts and properly understand what I was feeling. It also helped me that I was among other people/friends and was able to do activities with them. I will take this lesson with me for the future. I did look at the links provided, and I decided that I do need help. I've contacted the mental health services at my university.

Thank you very much,
You guys are a very helpful organization for teens around the world

Hi ndisg, I am so glad to hear that we were able to assist It is also great to hear that you have friends that you can speak to about things, having supportive people in your life is so important. Also that is a wonderful first step you have taken in contacting the mental health services at your university. You might find this article and its related reading useful to starting the process off:

• Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

You are welcome to come here with any further questions and curiosities!