Scarleteen

Hello,

I'm not sure how attraction or love happens for me. So far, I've only ever really liked two girls, dated them, and then we split up. The past month or two, I've felt like I moved on from my previous breakup which happened last August, but I don't quite feel attracted or like anyone else I've met. Occasionally, I find someone pretty or hot but I don't feel it in a way that makes me want to be with them; it's more of an acknowledgement.

I've been thinking why that is, but I can't seem to find anything that I can change. What I've come up with is that I'm very focused on my upcoming university entrance exams (stressed too). Perhaps I unconsciously want something very specific in a partner that very few people seem to have. Have I have not met enough people? (Realistically, I have not)

All of this makes me a little uncomfortable, in the sense that I feel very much unlike other teens my age. Is there something wrong in the way I approach this subject?

Hi BeepBoop,

I think all the reasons you list for why you aren't experiencing attraction to lots of people right now; sometimes when we're stressed or super-focused on a goal, we don't have as much energy to devote to other things. Too, if you know you haven't met a ton of people, then you've only had so many chances to meet someone who you might be attracted to; even for people who experience a lot of attraction and are actively looking for a partner, they aren't going to be interested in every person they meet.

I think it may help to remember that we all experience attraction in slightly different ways. While some people your age may be attracted to more people overall than you, plenty probably experience similar levels to you and some experience little to no attraction. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I understand your point on attraction, but I'm still a little confused. I used to think it was because I still liked my previous partner that I didn't allow myself to see anyone else, but I'm beginning to think it has to do more about the way I decide who I want to be with in a romantic relationship.

When I met my ex-es , they both felt a little different, even from the first few minutes together. I've heard that emotions and attraction build up over time though, so my experience seems counterintuitive. Since school is practically over for me, what other ways do I have of meeting people? I feel like dating apps are terribly dehumanizing

The thing is, there's not a one-size-fits-all way to experience attraction, so when people say attraction and emotions build up over time, it isn't a rule of thumb but rather it's a common experience for some people. Other people can experience attraction right away, but only in some cases (it's normal that we have more chemistry with some people than others, and while we could feel attraction and a connection within only a few minutes of meeting someone, it could take months with someone else). I know this can be confusing, but I hope it also takes some pressure off this whole thing. As far as how to meet people, you could join clubs or groups with similar interests (such as a sports league, a board/video game club, or even something like free dancing lessons). These are a great way to meet people you already have something in common with, so it's easier to spark up a conversation.