Scarleteen

Hi everyone!

I'm new here but I think this is the right place to do this?

I'm Vic (they/them, assigned female at birth) and I'm 17.

I've been trying to masturbate. I have tried external and internal stimulation but without an outcome of pleasure or orgasm etc. for a while now. It doesn't make me feel aroused and nor do I feel aroused beforehand. My clit does not feel sensitive at all and all I get is a tingling sensation when I am a tiny bit aroused, but nothing else, and that feeling is quickly extinguished too.

I identify as demisexual (and pansexual) so while I would only want to be in a sexual relationship if there was a romantic bond present first, I still want to be able to sexually pleasure myself.

A year ago, I had neurosurgery. It was very much planned and was simple by neurosurgery standards. It was cancelled multiple times due to the pandemic, so this caused a lot of stress.

But the thing was, I wasn't stressed out about the surgery itself, I was terrified of having a urinary catheter inserted when I was asleep. I had multiple breakdowns in the months leading up to and just before each date the surgery was scheduled for (and then the surgery was cancelled multiple times just before that date). I would sob to my mum about how terrified I was to have the catheter; the idea of someone seeing my genitals was so scary, whether I was asleep or awake.

For context: I had really bad body dysmorphia when I was 13 (but my mum didn't know that it was that and neither did I) about my breasts - I cried a lot about that too back then (the feeling comes and goes now). Ever since I hit puberty, I have always been very guarded of my body - no one had seen me naked since I was probably about 11/12 except for one time when my mum had to bathe me, during a really bad period, when I was 14. I thought I was trans masc around the age of 13 too, but I never addressed that feeling with anyone, and have only recently begun exploring the possibility of being non-binary.

I have never had any sort of sexual trauma. In terms of genitals, the only (very, very mildly) traumatic experience was me falling down the stairs when I was three and being taken to hospital by my mum because my bottom was bleeding. I don't even remember what happened, and I think the one snapshot in my mind, of being surrounded by doctors, is simply my imagination.

I don't really understand why I felt the way I did about the catheter, but it felt like a natural, uncontrollable response to it. I have never felt dysphoric about my genitalia before, so I don't know why that fear came up.

Anyways, before the surgery, they gave me some drugs to chill me out a bit, so I wasn't stressed going into the anaesthesia room. I remember once I was somewhat lucid afterwards, I asked for the catheter to be taken out straight away. The nurses told me to wait until the morning (much to my discomfort), which I did and I had it taken out without a fuss asap, and the nurse didn't have to go prodding either, so that was good.

In the months following, I routinely had flashbacks about the catheter. They either included made-up images in my head of the anaesthetist inserting the catheter and seeing my genitals; flashbacks to (what I know know to be unrealistic) videos including one I watched before the surgery of a catheter being inserted into someone who had been anaesthetised and was in stirrups and their genitals very open to the room; memories of the sensation of having a catheter inside me and having it taken out. These only subsided around the new year (until then, I would have breakdowns in my room and would cry about it for a good hour) and writing all this down does make me feel a tad uncomfortable still. However, overall I am feeling a lot better about it.

In terms of masturbation, now I am wondering if I have disassociated myself from my genitalia unconsciously due to my anxiety leading up to having the catheter and the flashbacks after.

I would ask a doctor, but as a 17 year old I would feel uncomfortable doing so.

Does anyone have any advice (sorry for the essay haha)?

Thank you so, so much.

Vic.

Hi Vic, welcome to the boards!
First I want to say that your trauma is real and valid, even if it feels irrational at times, it isn't and it's okay if the healing from it isn't linear. I'm so glad you're doing better, and it's understandable that you'd still be a bit uncomfortable even talking about it. Do you want to talk about ways to manage the anxiety and the flashbacks?
In regards to your masturbation question, it is possible that's what happened, yes. Anxiety, stress and trauma can all be causes for what you described (lack of pleasure, low arousal), so tackling those is one of the steps we recommend. Are you open to seeing a mental health professional? Therapy is a great space to address what's going on, and although I totally understand why it's a bit uncomfortable to ask a doctor these questions, a mental health professional will be equipped to deal with this topic - especially since it is likely linked to what you've been through with the surgery. Our brain is our largest sex organ, so your theory is likely what's going on. I will leave a link here to a resource on our site that might have some helpful info too <3
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

Hi! Thank you for your lovely message.

That would be great to have some support on managing anxiety and flashbacks. I am pretty sure I have some sort of anxiety disorder as I have undiagnosed anxiety attacks frequently and have done since I was about 7 (although the frequency does vary from time to time).

I went to my GP recently, as I have a low mood a lot of the time, and she told me to make contact with the local CAMs-linked counselling centre. I was on their waiting list years ago, for around a year, and by the time I did get through to having a session, I didn't want it anymore; my GP told me that they have increased their capacity now. I signed up for it a couple of months ago but with no response, and I tried to call them the other day to see what's happening but no one picked up. I'll probably email them next.

Thank you for your help!

Vic.

Hi Vic2800,

Oof, that sounds like an incredibly frustrating process, all to try and connect to some needed mental healthcare! If you continue having issues with no one responding from that particular center, we're happy to use this space to brainstorm some other places or providers you might be able to try.

It may also help to have some tools for managing that anxiety on your own on hand when you need them. This article has a bunch of different options, including things like apps and workbooks than can walk you through different exercises: Anxiety Lies.

Since flashbacks can pose some distinct challenges when managing them, I also want to give you a few tools to help with that: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-sup ... self-care/, https://nottssvss.org.uk/wp-content/upl ... ks-new.pdf.

Thank you!