Polyam Relationship Advice

[Mixxes]

Hey everyone. I’m new here and just want some advice. I’m currently in a polyam relationship with a partner and recently she started developing feelings for one of our friends. I’m happy for her and I want her to be happy too, however, she’s been treating me off when we hang around her crush and her friends. She treats me pretty harshly and critically and I know it’s cause she want to impress her friends, but it’s too much for me and I feel really hurt. It got to the point where I went to the bathroom to cry. And when she came in and asked what’s wrong and I told her, she basically said she did nothing wrong and that I was overreacting. I kept trying to explain how I felt, but she brushed my feelings off. I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I am overreacting and I should just shove my feelings down like she wants me to? I don’t know how else to explain this to her. I just want her to give me the same love she usually does, even when she’s with another partner. Is that an impossible thing to want?

Additionally, I feel a little hurt because she recently told me this person is really special to her because she was in her past life and she feels intense familiar feelings, feelings she doesn’t feel for me. And I’m worried I’m just a placeholder for her and like this relationship isn’t as valuable as she claims her other one is. I’ve talked to her about this, and she’s tried to console me about it, but honestly it does hurt when your partner says they don’t feel that connection with you. It’s almost like a “what are we then to you?” If that makes sense.

[Emily N]

Hi Mixxes, welcome to Scarleteen!

I’m sorry to hear about the way your partner reacted when you shared your feelings. I would recommend this article, “Relationship Structure and Troubleshooting: Navigating Poly Relationships”. One line that stood out to me: “It’s perfectly normal to ask your partner to stop and have a conversation about something in your relationship that’s making you uncomfortable, and if your partner doesn’t want to have that conversation? You guessed it: that's a red flag too.”

So, no, I’m not a fan of the “shove feelings down” method, and it’s absolutely valid to share your feelings with her. Do you feel like you could ask her to set aside specific time to talk about it again? It may help the conversation to be in a more neutral location away from the crush in question and when you aren’t starting the conversation from a place of crying. You said “I just want her to give me the same love she usually does” - it is more than reasonable to want your partner to treat you the same regardless of the situation. Would you feel comfortable asking her to work on a few specific qualities or actions that would feel loving or validating for you? It may also be that it doesn’t work for you (or your partner) to hang out with her crush at the same time as her - it’s okay to set boundaries about when and who you hang out with if it’s making you feel crummy.

[Mixxes]

Thank you for the advice! I actually ended up having a long talk with her and she said that the reason she has been acting that way towards me is not because of her crush, but because her mom got COVID and just recently died so she was in a vulnerable state and kind of took it out in our relationship. She said she felt really hurt and unstable and so she treated our relationship the same way she was feeling and was more touchy and sensitive because of that, not cause of her crush. She reaffirmed that she did love me and shared a special connection with me. She also apologized for her actions. It’s gonna take me a bit to completely forgive her, but I’m taking it one day at a time.

Even though she says she didn’t treat me that way because of her crush, a part of me still feels like it was because of it and honestly I’m having a hard time trusting her now. How do I trust her again so that I’m not feeling anxious and horrible with her new relationship and she’s able to continue with it?

Also, her crush is my good friend so it’s a little hard to keep our relationship separate from their relationship. I don’t really know how to navigate that.

[Mo]

I'm glad to hear that your partner offered at least a partial apology, but even when someone's under stress, that's definitely not an excuse to treat a partner poorly. It would be pretty messed up if her reason for doing so was to impress someone else, and if other people were impressed by you being criticized and belittled, that wouldn't speak well of them at all!

I'm concerned that when you confronted your partner about her mean comments in the moment, she didn't say something like "that was wrong of me, sorry, I'm really upset about mom but I shouldn't take those feelings out on you," she said you were overreacting and that she'd done nothing wrong. While of course it's ideal if you can trust a partner, I think it's understandable that you aren't feeling very trustful right now. For you to trust your partner again, that's going to depend a lot on what she does; it isn't something you can really choose to feel if your partner isn't changing her behaviors. So what I'd do is just keep an eye on how things are going and see if she changes how she treats you around other people. If she continues to be cruel to you when other people are around, then sadly I think that would be a sign that you can't trust her right now.

In terms of how to keep your partner's relationship with you separate from her relationship with her crush/your friend, if you all do a lot of things together it may help to be sure you're scheduling one-on-one time with your partner, and with your friend.

[Mixxes]

We’ve been dating for more than two and a half years now and this is the first time she’s treated me this way. I know her mom meant A LOT to her because she believes she was also in her past life (maybe she’s projecting those feelings onto her new crush?) and she’s been showing signs of an emotional breakdown. During our long talk, we talked about therapy and she said she couldn’t afford it but I told her there were local resources that offered free therapy for LGBT people and she said she wasn’t ready, so I left it as that. I know different people grieve in different ways, but I do think that the way she has been treating me lately as a result of her grieving is wrong. I don’t even know if she realizes it fully herself, but she told me to have some consideration for her and her grieving, so I am giving her the benefit of the doubt since this is the first time in two and a half years she’s done something like this.

[Sam W]

It sounds like you're trying really hard to supportive of her during an incredibly rough time, including nudging her towards resources that might help her with some of the grief she's dealing with. It's also kind of you to try and give her the benefit of the doubt in her treatment of you, since you're right that grief can cause people to behave in different ways.

That being said, I think you're also allowed to set limits or boundaries around how she treats you. Grieving doesn't give people a free pass to be awful or unkind, and you telling her that her behavior around her friends is hurting you or asking to be treated with respect aren't the same as being inconsiderate of her grief, you know?

[Mixxes]

Im just a little scared to tell her how she hurt me and set those boundaries because I’m scared she’s going to tell me I’m not being considerate of her grief, which is what’s she’s been doing lately. Whenever I tell her something that’s been bothering me, she kinda tells me that I’m not considering her grief and it makes me feel like she just wants me to be okay with everything that’s happening and just blame the grief for her behavior and not take it personally. I’m trying my best, but it’s a very hard burden to carry.

Additionally, we only just recently starting to become polyam again. In the beginning of our relationship, we were polyam, then we became monogamous because of the pandemic. I was under the assumption that we were still monogamous when she told me she had feelings for our friend. But now she’s eager to become polyamorous again and honestly we didn’t have even have a conversation about it at all. From one day to the next, she just wanted to become polyam again and I don’t feel like I was included in that decision… And now with all the trust issues I’m having with her, I’m having an even harder time with it. And when I told her about how this sudden change made me feel she just said “oh. But we’ve always been polyam. It’s an identity. And so we were never monogamous to begin with.” But that’s not true. I do consider myself polyam, and as an identity. But that doesn’t equate to us practicing polyamory in our relationship if that makes sense? I’m just really frustrated and I don’t know what to do. I feel like she’s not taking my feelings into consideration at all.

[Mixxes]

I feel like now she’s even more so pressuring me to open our relationship cause her crush just broke up with her monogamous girlfriend…

[Mixxes]

I think something I just realized is that my polyamorous identity does not automatically give consent to a polyamorous relationship. Just because I consider polyamory an identity and that’s the way I identify does not give consent to my partner to open the relationship up without my consent. And, after thinking about it a lot, I feel like what she’s been doing is in a way a violation of my consent. And polyamory is about consent.

[Mo]

I think that's a really great point that you made here, and one I agree with! Identifying as polyamorous doesn't mean you are automatically consenting to any and all forms of a polyamorous relationship. It's true, too, that even in polyamorous relationships consent is important; in fact, I'd say that to be polyamorous in a healthy way it's important to be extra thoughtful about consent and how you communicate and plan around it.

It isn't okay for your girlfriend to be pressuring you to be okay with her dating her crush (or anyone!) right now. If you have reservations about this, then it's important that you feel free to share them and that she listen and take them seriously. Also, has your friend/your gf's crush shown any interest in dating your girlfriend? It isn't clear to me if the two of them have talked about this possibility at all. Regardless, it just isn't fair, kind, or good polyamory practice for your girlfriend to dismiss any concerns casually, or to say that just because you're polyamorous it means you must be okay with another relationship.

Also, I want to highlight what you said above because I think it's very important:

Im just a little scared to tell her how she hurt me and set those boundaries because I’m scared she’s going to tell me I’m not being considerate of her grief, which is what’s she’s been doing lately. Whenever I tell her something that’s been bothering me, she kinda tells me that I’m not considering her grief and it makes me feel like she just wants me to be okay with everything that’s happening and just blame the grief for her behavior and not take it personally.

As Sam said, setting boundaries or asking your girlfriend to treat you with respect in no way means you're disrespecting her grieving process. You can support a grieving partner by giving them some time and space to process their grief, and certainly it can be kind to understand that they may not be at their best while holding those painful feelings. However, it isn't cruel or unfeeling to insist on being treated well even while your girlfriend is grieving. She's still responsible for her own behavior during this difficult time, and it isn't acceptable for her to treat you badly or make bad faith arguments and then blame it on the grief she's feeling.

Of course she's not at her best right now; it sounds like her mother's death was very hard on her. But it still sounds like she's using that as an excuse for some behavior that isn't kind or loving on her part, and that's really sad and frustrating to hear. It sounds like you're already worried about expressing some basic needs and boundaries for fear of being ignored and dismissed, and that's just not a healthy position to be in, in a relationship.

I think this is something you do need to address with her, but I also think it's possible that she'll be unkind or dismissive when you do. But it isn't okay for her to treat you like this and keep using her grief as an excuse. Also: if she's grieving enough that it's difficult for her to treat you, her existing partner, well, then adding another partner is going to be a pretty bad idea for everyone involved, even if it's something you were okay with.

[Mixxes]

So I decided to come clean to my partner again about all my feelings and tell her that I’m not exactly ready for a polyamorous relationship at this moment because I felt like we weren’t ready for it. Then, my partner told me that her and her crush actually kissed days ago (when she told me they had just hugged) and that the “hang out” they were going on this week was actually a date. It hurt me so much because that day that they kissed I had asked my partner to talk and she didn’t feel like it, but then she went out and started a relationship with someone else. I honestly feel hurt, I feel betrayed, and I feel a little violated. And when I told her how I felt, she said she did nothing wrong and that there was miscommunication and that’s why she did what she did, but that it wasn’t wrong. Nothing she did was wrong. I feel so hurt right now and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Honestly, just feel like giving up on love and relationships cause I feel like no one will respect me at this point.

[Mixxes]

My partner and I talked yet again and we agreed to go to couples therapy because this problem is just too big to handle on our own. I feel very hurt and betrayed and I don’t know how I’m going to get over these feelings and be able to open up the relationship with her. That’s what she wants and she told me that that’s her end goal with our relationship, but, to be completely honest, I don’t know how I can trust her again enough to do that. It feels almost impossible right now when I feel so hurt and betrayed.

She claimed that she was going to take things slow with her crush. She claimed that she didn’t need to be in a relationship with her at the moment to be happy. But I don’t believe those statements at all when they literally kissed before her crush broke up with her ex and was going to go on a date immediately after the break up. It’s like her words say one thing and her actions do another.

She says to give her the benefit of the doubt because she was going through a lot and she says that her being with that partner was comfort and in a way relieving from our relationship and I just didn’t understand why she couldn’t have just talked to me and cleared things up with me before she did anything. To me, that felt like she didn’t care about me, my feelings, or our relationship anymore.

She says that in a way it’s my fault for not being clear with her about “the boundaries” but she wasn’t very clear herself with it and I thought we were very clear. She would ask me, are you okay with “so and so and I” and I would say yes thinking she meant as in their feelings for ea h other. Never did she say “are you okay if so and so and I start a relationship right now”. And she also said that her and her crush would start things off “very slow and as friends”, but they literally kissed and were going to go on a date. I don’t understand how that equates to friends in her eyes, but apparently it did and so she didn’t feel the need to tell me. Honestly, I feel like I was kind of tricked into this.

I think what really hurts the most is that she literally gaslighted me and made me believe she did no wrong at all. After our most recent conversation, she finally admitted that she hurt me unintentionally and apologized, but after having her yell and scream at me that “she did nothing wrong” many many many times, the words coming out of her mouth feel empty. And now I feel empty.

I never in a million years thought this would happen in our relationship. That’s how healthy I thought it was. But honestly, ever since her mom got COVID, she’s been acting this way and I can’t help but think that this is going to be our relationship from now on. She needs serious therapy and she’s not getting any.

I also don’t understand why she wanted to rush things with her crush so bad, why she wanted to start another relationship when she knew we were having problems and didn’t seem ready because she was grieving her mothers death, and why her crush wanted to move so fast into it. They claim it’s because of their past lives, but honestly I think it’s because of their traumas with her wanting to fill her mother void whom she thought was in her past life and her crush wanting to get over the relationship she just had because it was abusive. And now I’m being put in the middle of this and I didn’t even want it. I was forced into it.

Additionally, she feels like I’m trying to control her by telling her I’m lot comfortable in this moment in time with being polyamorous which I repeatedly several times was not the case. I just wanted to feel good, safe, and secure in our relationship before we even thought about opening it up, but she didn’t respect that at all and instead got mad at me for “trying to control her”. And then she wonders why I felt like I couldn’t tell her these things and got mad that I didn’t tell her. I didn’t feel safe and I haven’t felt safe ever since her mother got COVID.

I just don’t understand why she neglected our relationship but nourished her other one. Why would she do that to me and to us? I just don’t understand.

[Sofi]

Hi Mixxes, I hope it's okay if I jump in. I'll be honest, what you're going through is something I can relate to quite a bit, so I hope I have some good advice but also my greatest advice here is to follow your heart (as corny as that sounds). I also want to just give you space to vent, if that's what you're looking for, because every relationship is different and we of course won't flat out tell you to break up with her or stay in it, that's your choice and you know what's best for yourself. That all being said, I do agree with what everyone else said before - she didn't respect your boundaries and that's a violation of trust and although her mom's passing explains her behavior it doesn't excuse it. It sounds like you've been supportive of her emotionally during this hard time, as you should be, so you're doing your part there. That does not mean she's allowed to take advantage of you being there to mistreat you, and you deserve to be treated kindly. It's also important to remember that we're all human and we make mistakes, so I think this one incident (you mentioned it's the first time in over two years it happens) can certainly be forgiven. You're feeling betrayed and a simple apology isn't enough, especially since there are other things going on (the poly situation). It's okay for you to forgive her but also set new boundaries and communicate with her that you need these to be respected if your relationship can continue. If you're feeling neglected, or at least like she gave more to her other relationship, that's something you're allowed to be upset about. During your conversation, does she seem to understand what her behaviors were that created a distrust, and does she still plan on going on her date? Did you set up a plan for couples therapy? It'll take work and effort to get that trust back, but it can happen if you both commit to that work. I just want you to always put your own mental wellbeing first, but you're handling this well so kudos <3

[Mixxes]

Thank you. That means a lot. I really have been trying my best in this whole situation and I appreciate that acknowledgment. I also appreciate the advice.

I think we’ll be able to work it out in therapy, I just can’t help but feel like she intentionally did not set clear boundaries with me because she knew it would take time and adjustment and she wanted her crush now. I also don’t know how I’m going to get over her betraying me in that way. Honestly, I do consider it cheating. She says it wasn’t because she had the intention of telling me, but she didn’t for a while even though we talked on the phone after it happened.

On the phone call, she told me her crush felt like she cheated on her partner and I asked why. She responded with “oh cause I held her.” That was confusing to me because I hold friends and acquaintances and I don’t really consider that cheating. But when she told me that she kissed her yesterday, it all made sense. Her crush hadn’t even broken up with her partner when they kissed… And even if that partner was toxic, I just don’t think it was right because they were monogamous and their partner did not consent. Going through it again in my head, I just feel like she purposely hid things from me to get what she wanted (her crush) and doesn’t take accountability for what she did. She still believes that she did nothing wrong and won’t admit the reality of it: that it WAS cheating, whether cheating in our relationship or cheating in her crushes relationship. It was cheating. And I feel like once she admits that, then we can finally start the process of moving on from that betrayal.

In addition, before she kissed her crush, she knew I wasn’t feeling 100% in our relationship and she knew that we needed to talk about it, but instead she chose to neglect our relationship and act on her feelings with her crush. That hurts. It’s like you’re trying to work it out with your partner and your partner just doesn’t care. It almost feels intentional.

[Sam W]

Hi Mixxes,

Sadly, I think you're right that this was intentional. Even if she didn't make the choice by going, "I'm doing this to hurt Mixxes" she DID make the choice to put her own desires to pursue her crush ahead of her already existing relationship with you. As you pointed out, this needed to be something you two talked about before she did it, not after, and it sucks that that isn't what happened.

It may be worth asking yourself what you'll do if she continues insisting she didn't do anything wrong, even after talking about things in therapy. Does that feel like something you'd end the relationship over?

[Mixxes]

If she never admits wrongdoing and insists it wasn’t wrong, then yes. To me that’s a really big red flag and shows that she isn’t really understanding of her actions and we can’t move on as a couple if she can’t do that. She’s never done something like this which is why I was caught so off guard, and although that influenced my decision to stay, I have to judge her based on what’s she’s been showing me now at the present moment. I can’t hold on to the past her who respected our relationship if that’s not who she is anymore.

What’s funny is that she says her “past life” with this partner is insignificant because the past is in the past. That the only moment that matters is the present now and that’s why I shouldn’t feel any sort of way about her past life feelings for her crush. Yet, for this situation, she says I have to focus on the part and her past behavior and not the present one to judge her because “I know she’s not like that from past patterns of behavior”. It almost confuses me whether the past matters or not and whether I should entirely base my decisions off the present. She’s just been really erratic and selfish lately and I think the worst part of it all is that she doesn’t see that. At least when you see what you do and acknowledge it, there’s a way to fix. But if she keeps on in her delusion, there’s nothing we can fix and so therefore there is no relationship to repair because, to me, that isn’t one.

[Sam W]

I suspect the answer to whether the past matters or not (to her, anyway) is: it matters or not based on which thing she things will help justify her decisions. Which isn't a great look in a partner, and is something that's likely to make it harder for you two to set expectations around boundaries going forward.

It sounds like you have a pretty clear sense of what you want to do going forward. If you end up needing help with how to approach these conversations with her, or with the break-up if that's where this goes, we're happy to talk about them here.

[Mixxes]

Thank you. I really appreciate all the help and support you have all given me.

[Mixxes]

So, my partner and I have been working things out and things seemed to be getting better, but it's again getting rough. It really feels like a rollercoaster.

My partner all of a sudden told me that she wanted to be a single parent because she wants to feel connected to her mother since her mother was a single parent raising her. And we've before talked about the possibility of being parents, but she was the one who didn't want a kid, I did. So that caught me by surprise. And I asked her what she meant when she said "single parent" because I was her partner. And she basically said that she wanted to raise a kid completely by herself but that I could be in the kid's life as a parent figure, but not a parent. And that just confused me so much because we would live together, we would be partners with this kid, I would be taking care of the kid, changing their diapers, but I wouldn't be their parent? That made NO sense to me whatsoever, especially since society already discriminates against queer couples like us, and I tried explaining that to her and she got really defensive saying that she just wants to feel close to her mom and why can't I give her that respect. And I was like "but you're in a relationship with me and you're basically not considering me at all. This way you're thinking is really self-centered and I'm trying to express to you that it hurts me as your partner." And she said that maybe she should be self-centered because all her life she's been "controlled by others" and it's her right to be selfish. Yea, I guess it is her right to be self-centered and selfish, but it's also my right to feel hurt because she is.

It's like every time she thinks about her mom, she just lashes out and starts acting self-centered and like a complete a**hole. She pressured me to enter a polyam relationship with her because "her mom would have accepted her as all she was, polyam and all, why can't you?" And what's funny is that it's not even true because her mom had a hard time with her identity to begin with. I am accepting of her polyam identity, I am polyam too, I just needed some time to process the relationship change and set up the type of polyam relationship we had (which is a lot) and set boundaries. I wasn't against her and her crush, I was against her doing whatever the hell she wanted without the consideration of me, her partner. And now she's, again, not considering me with this whole "single parent" thing. She hasn't been considerate of me at all. Her mom's death literally has made her self-centered, selfish, and inconsiderate of me. She is processing this in such an unhealthy way and projecting all this crap onto me.

We still are waiting for our first therapy appointment next week and I just want the therapist to talk sense into her because how she's behaving and processing this death is not normal at all. She is also going to go to individual therapy sometime next week and I am hoping to God that her therapist helps her grieve in the right way because what she's doing is just so freaking wrong and I'm getting sick of it.

I know this isn't who she is and I know that her behavior is a result of this traumatic thing, but I need to be able to protect myself and my sanity while she's grieving too. What can I do to support her and allow her to grieve while also protecting myself in this relationship? I want to be there for her, and I still want a relationship with her, but this is just too much and my mental health can't handle her thought process right now, especially after the betrayal.

[Sofi]

Oh, that's a tough one, and not very fair to put you in that position. If she knew you wanted a kid, it really isn't cool to say she wants to have a kid and let you be involved but not be a parent to the kid. You're right she is acting in a selfish way and that's unfair to you. Given that she's not taking her mother's passing well, it's really important that she has individual therapy (aside from the couple's therapy) so she has a space to unpack that in with professional help. You can help her with that, by making sure she makes her appointments and gets to them, and supporting her in that journey. It might take a while for her because healing from grief isn't linear, so even if she's doing better some days, there could be harder days too. As we said before, it's not an excuse to mistreat you so it's okay for you to have boundaries and expect certain things (such as honesty and respect) while still supporting her healing. I don't want to sound like therapy is a miracle cure or is the only way to heal, but it WILL help a lot, both for her individually and for y'all as a couple. So I suggest starting there, and keeping open communication with her like you have been (again - you're doing a wonderful job, and she's fortunate to have you!)

[Mixxes]

We were supposed to have couples counseling today but the therapist rescheduled for Wednesday. I’m disappointed because my partner and I were really looking forward to it, but that’s something we can’t really control.

I guess another issue I’ve ran into is how to be okay again with my friend who my partner likes and wants to be with. I know it’s not her fault. My partner told her that we were polyamorous and so therefore whatever happened wasn’t with her intentionality. But I still feel a sting when I’m with her and slightly betrayed by her too. I decided to let her know I wanted a break from our friendship to resolve whatever it was that was happening with my partner and I without taking it out on her cause I valued our friendship and I didn’t want us to stop being friends because of it. I just don’t know how I will be friends with her again after everything that has happened. I guess I’m in this state of trying to figure everything out.

[Sofi]

I think that's a good idea, sometimes we just need a little distance to work through our emotions about someone. It's best to step away while you process then to end up blowing up or saying something you might regret. Like you said, it isn't her fault because she didn't know. But it's also valid that you feel slightly betrayed by her too, so taking some time to process that if needed is a good choice.

[Mixxes]

So lately I’ve been really down because of all the stress this relationship has caused me and my partner wants me to be her support system for the death of her mother. And I’m doing that the best I can, but I can’t help but feel a certain way about her and our relationship. Yesterday I told her I didn’t trust her and that I had to rebuild that trust again. She asked me why and I was baffled that she thought after everything that’s happened that I would be okay and not lose trust. It really goes to show how at this moment she isn’t able to realize what she’s been doing and even admit her fault. Instead of saying “I understand. We’re going to work through it.” She said “This is a lot on me right now. You know I’m grieving the death of my mother and tell me this?” Did she really expect for me to just not care about her actions? I don’t know what she’s thinking.

Another thing is, she wants me to be okay so we can officially start our polyam relationship ASAP. She gave me a timeline 6 months to a year. Although I think I’ll maybe be healed and maybe ready by then, I can’t 100% guarantee that to her and I feel really pressured. She’s like “Take your time to heal, but only if it’s before a year.” She said that she might feel impatient and that she’ll want to start the relationship with her crush in the near future and that just makes me feel even more pressured. I just don’t understand what’s her rush and why she’s behaving this way. I honestly feel like she could give three poops about my feelings, where I’m at in the relationship, and what I want. Healing isn’t something you can rush like that. I just don’t understand why she’s so anxious to be with this other person. Honestly, if she wants to be with them THAT bad, she should just break up with me and get with her. I’m sick of feeling like my feelings, my boundaries, my needs are beneath her desire to be with this other person. It almost makes me question whether she really truly even loves me.

[Sam W]

Hi Mixxes,

I'm so sorry her actions are making you feel that way. Even if she does care about you, I think you're right that her actions are very much those of someone who's putting her feelings and needs way, way ahead of yours. And while grief can certainly have profound effects on people, it seems like she's a little bit using hers as an excuse not to take any accountability for her actions right now, which isn't okay.

Too, I have to say she is showing too big red flags that mean she's not in a position to actually have healthy, happy polyamorous relationships. One is putting pressure on you to give her the go-ahead when it's abundantly clear you're not ready to and may not be for some time, which is like number one in the "things not to do when poly" category. The other is showing that she's really not interested in having clear conversations about boundaries or being willing to own up to something that crossed a line. So even if you were to wake up tomorrow and suddenly be healed and ready for her to be with her crush, I think chances are good you'll continue to find yourself pressured or your boundaries ignored, because she just doesn't seem like she's in the place to build a solid foundation for a poylam relationship.

Given all that, are you starting to feel like this may not be a relationship that you can continue?

[Mixxes]

I don’t know anymore to be completely honest. I’m distraught. I’m having a hard time accepting that this is happening. We’ve been together for two years and I never even thought of the possibility that this could ever happen because our relationship was so healthy. And for this to just happen from one day to the next, to me, is just unbelievable. It’s starting to make me question whether it really was all healthy or if I missed red flags. I just don’t understand how something I thought was good and healthy could just turn so ugly and toxic so fast. I just don’t understand how this is possible. And I want to hold on to the belief that her “true self” is there, the self that actually cares and that talks about boundaries and that genuinely loved me is there. But to be completely honest, I don’t know if it’s there anymore. And if it is, it’s not for me. It’s reserved for her crush, which is another thing I just don’t understand. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this? What did I do wrong in the relationship? Is this my fault? What is it that her crush has that I don’t have? Why does she care for her but neglect me? I just don’t understand.

I guess another thing I’m thinking about is what are boundaries I can set with her? Cause lately, because she has broken so many of my boundaries and I’ve lost trust in her, I’ve felt like maybe I should have any boundaries at all so nothing she does can hurt me. I know that’s not practical or right (I read your really good post about boundaries) but to be completely honest, I’m stumped when it comes to boundaries with her.

The boundary I expressed with her is that I wanted us to remain monogamous while we sort out our issue and go to couples counseling and figure out what we want. But she says that she can follow that boundary only if we end up polyamorous at the end and that that’s her boundary. I’m not even quite sure that’s a boundary? I don’t really know anymore. Can you help me develop some boundaries I can set with her?