Never wet/aroused

[littlemeowmeow]

My boyfriend and I will both be 19 this year. He's a cis man and I'm a cis woman. This is my first relationship ever and he had one before when he was pretty young but never was never intimate so both of us are pretty new to both kissing, hugging, and anything sexual.
Growing up I never liked someone nor felt any sort of arousal, maybe I did slightly but couldn't identify it. I've always thought that I was heterosexual because I don't feel any particular attraction towards women. When we started our relationship, we weren't really romantically interested in each other because we had been friends for years and decided to date to see how it went. We always enjoyed each other's company and after a few months it was clear that we had feelings for each other. For me this meant that I always wanted to be with him and was always thinking of him, and was a little embarrassed to make eye contact, but was still very comfortable around him.
After some time we began to hug frequently, had our first kisses, and I gave him consent to touch me, particularly my breasts. The first time he did it I did not feel anything. My mind was empty, I was just thinking about how it was raining outside. When he touches me down there it just feels very weird or even a little uncomfortable and I never get wet. The only reaction he'll ever get from me is that I'm very ticklish in areas like my thighs, breasts, and tummy. I think that maybe I have been slightly aroused a few times because I get a weird sensation from my lower stomach after a kiss but I don't know if that's it. Maybe there was one time that I also felt a little wet after a kiss but I noticed that when I went to the bathroom once I was home.
I love him and I love kissing and hugging and I like it when he touches me but I just don't really get aroused, I just like how it makes me feel closer to him. I like doing sexual acts because I feel like I'm having fun even if there's no arousal from my part, but I want to experience pleasure too.
Do I have to be more patient or experiment more? Or maybe I'm in the asexual spectrum?
I'm going to see a gynecologist for the first time next month, should I also ask her about it?

[Sam W]

Hi littlemeowmeow,

There could be a few different things going on here, so let's see if we can tease them out. For starters, have you noticed you don't experience much arousal in general? If you masturbate, do you notice similar patterns to when you're with your boyfriend, or do you tend to get very aroused?

Too, are there (or have there been) people you're sexually attracted to? Those don't even need to be people you know, they could be celebrities or things like that.

[littlemeowmeow]

I don't really get aroused by myself. I've been trying to masturbate lately to try to figure out the things I like but it doesn't feel particularly good. The last three or four times I've tried it I did feel a quick rush in my legs, something that I've never felt before, but it only happens for 5 or 10 seconds at most, then everything feels kinda numb again. I've never really felt desire for a person before, not even a celebrity. I do find some people attractive but I don't think that's the same thing. After reading some articles on this site I'm thinking that I don't get aroused because I haven't really experienced that first desire phase?

[Mo]

It's understandable that masturbation hasn't really felt like much if you weren't feeling aroused already; for many people, it doesn't feel that exciting if arousal isn't already present.

I do think it might be worth looking into some further information about asexuality to see if that resonates with you; from what you've written here I think it's possible that you may find it useful to do some exploration in that area. Not having experienced much in the way of desire/arousal up until now doesn't mean you absolutely are asexual, but it's a possibility. We have a basic intro/guide to asexuality that might be helpful to read: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer. There are some additional links in that article to more resources, too.

Some people just don't feel any sexual desire at all, and others feel it fairly infrequently, or only with some people after becoming very emotionally intimate. It's hard to know now if you aren't feeling it because you won't ever or because you just haven't yet, but it isn't something you can force to happen, either.

Have you talked to your partner about how all of this is feeling for you?

[littlemeowmeow]

Yes I've talked about it before with him, we both thought of the possibility that I might be asexual. This was a few months ago now, and I've grown more comfortable with him touching me and I began to really like kissing him.
I checked out some of the asexuality articles on this page. I do feel like some of the things do resonate with me, but I still don't want to wear a label because I'm still young and trying to figure stuff out, maybe in a few months I'll feel different about these experiences.

[Carly]

Hey littlemeowmeow -- your sexuality doesn't need a label right now, or ever if you don't want it. What matters is you're able to understand yourself, feel good, and communicate what you want or don't want from a sexual partner. Also keep in mind that you may change over time and you're never locked in one label if it doesn't feel right or accurate anymore. Labels definitely make it easier to align ourselves with others and describe our feelings, but they're not permanent or required! Based on what background you gave it sounds like a lot of this is new for you so sure, you definitely might feel different as time goes on. Just remember, there's no rush.