The idea of sex makes me dysphoric

[truly-bluely]

To put it simply, I am scared.

The idea of sex makes me so terrified of the inevitable associated dysphoria that I want to curl up in a little ball and cry for the next year. This isn’t the normal teenage apprehension, this is a clawing biting anxiety that keeps me up at night.

I dont want to be a virgin my whole life, but I don’t fully know or understand what I can do that wouldn’t trigger dysphoria, since exploring things on my own (so to speak) leaves me feeling drained and upset afterwards— I have no desire to invoke more of that feeling. I only get myself off to quell the hormones.

What can I do to at least deal with the anxiety?

I want to be okay with PIV or clitoral stimulation but it leaves me feeling like a girl.

[Sofi]

Hi truly-bluely, welcome to the boards! I'm sorry you're dealing with dysphoria, it can be a very uncomfortable and painful thing but we can talk about ways to work through the feelings, especially the anxiety attached to it.
There's a few questions I have in order to give you the best support, starting with do you have connections to people similar to you that might have a similar experience? Also, do you have access to mental healthcare, or would you be interested in seeing a professional?
I also was wondering if you could give us some more info on what makes you scared when it comes to sex - as in, what do you worry might happen, and is your fear about how you would feel or about your partner (or both)? Lastly, do you notice the dysphoria lessens or worsens with specific things such as what you're wearing right before/during sexual exploration, or what you think about/what sexual media you consume, etc?

[truly-bluely]

Hi truly-bluely, welcome to the boards! I'm sorry you're dealing with dysphoria, it can be a very uncomfortable and painful thing but we can talk about ways to work through the feelings, especially the anxiety attached to it.
There's a few questions I have in order to give you the best support, starting with do you have connections to people similar to you that might have a similar experience? Also, do you have access to mental healthcare, or would you be interested in seeing a professional?
I also was wondering if you could give us some more info on what makes you scared when it comes to sex - as in, what do you worry might happen, and is your fear about how you would feel or about your partner (or both)? Lastly, do you notice the dysphoria lessens or worsens with specific things such as what you're wearing right before/during sexual exploration, or what you think about/what sexual media you consume, etc?

Thank you so much for responding.

I don’t think I have connections with people who experience this, unfortunately. I only have a few LGBTQ friends.

I am currently seeing a therapist, and while I don’t trust him with information about dysphoria or think he has the necessary perspective to understand it, he is helping me work through my anxiety in other aspects of my life.

As for fear, I’m worried not only about my own dysphoria’s possible sudden onset during the act (and its consequences for my mental health in the surrounding days— a bout of intense dysphoria can absolutely mess me up), but about disappointing/worrying/scaring/upsetting a potential partner, or about them secretly viewing me as female because of my anatomy.

Dysphoria is worse if I touch things directly instead of through fabric, and less if I’m too wrapped up in the pleasure of it to really focus on myself. It also lessens if I was already previously presenting as myself and having a good euphoria day.

[Elise]

Hi there truly-bluely, I'm sorry to hear that the dysphoria is so intense for you at the moment. Thank you for being comfortable sharing more about it with us.

When you say that you don't fully trust that your therapist doesn't have the necessary expertise or perspective to discuss your dysphoria, are you able to expand on why this is a bit more? Is it to do with things they have said in the past and/or that they/their practice does not signal that they do work in this field? Or is it for another reason?

Whilst I am glad to hear that he is assisting you with your anxiety, as it sounds like having someone who you feel comfortable discussing this with as well could be greatly beneficial for you. Are your parents supportive and understanding of your gender identity? If so, perhaps they would be open to you changing to a therapist who sees clients with this perspective? Usually they will still provide support and work with you on general anxiety and things that a general psychologist does, as well as assist with gender dysphoria. Does this approach sound interesting to you?

In terms of connecting with more LGBTQIA+ friends, there are some moderated spaces designed for teens out there that you might like:

• Q Chat Space
• TrevorSpace by The Trevor Project

[truly-bluely]

Hi there truly-bluely, I'm sorry to hear that the dysphoria is so intense for you at the moment. Thank you for being comfortable sharing more about it with us.

When you say that you don't fully trust that your therapist doesn't have the necessary expertise or perspective to discuss your dysphoria, are you able to expand on why this is a bit more? Is it to do with things they have said in the past and/or that they/their practice does not signal that they do work in this field? Or is it for another reason?

Whilst I am glad to hear that he is assisting you with your anxiety, as it sounds like having someone who you feel comfortable discussing this with as well could be greatly beneficial for you. Are your parents supportive and understanding of your gender identity? If so, perhaps they would be open to you changing to a therapist who sees clients with this perspective? Usually they will still provide support and work with you on general anxiety and things that a general psychologist does, as well as assist with gender dysphoria. Does this approach sound interesting to you?

In terms of connecting with more LGBTQIA+ friends, there are some moderated spaces designed for teens out there that you might like:

• Q Chat Space
• TrevorSpace by The Trevor Project

My therapist is a nice man, he really is. However, he’s also an old cishetallo white abled christian man who’s never experienced anything but privilege in his life.

When I tried to discuss with him how one of my anxieties is about fear of experiencing homophobia, he tried very hard to help, but didn’t understand that homophobia still affected me even though I don’t have a partner. He dismissed my fears (and my attempts at explaining that people’s bigotry knows no bounds— if I am found out as bi in the area I live in I could be in genuine danger). And he didn’t understand the toll that being closeted takes. While I appreciate his attempt at helping, I think he lacks the perspective necessary to help me in any matter of queerness.

I’m not currently out to my parents, but when I am, I could discuss changing therapists with them. Not certain how receptive they’d be but it’s worth a shot.

I do use trevorspace, but I’ll have to check out qchat! thank you v v much <33

[Carly]

Hey truly-bluely -- I totally understand how you feel about your therapist. I don't think it's a requirement that therapists have personal experience with a given situation in order to give advice or help someone through it, but I think you're doing the right thing in being very mindful of the way you feel when he dismisses topics or situations that are important to you. Something I did want to suggest is approaching your parents still, even you're not ready to be out to them. I'm wondering if it's possible to express interest in seeing someone new but perhaps being a little vague when you give a reason. You could say something as simple as "I don't think we gel together well" or you just want to see what it's like with someone else. When I was still living with my parents and needed to switch therapists, they were receptive to me just saying "therapy with this person isn't helping me feel better, I'd like to try someone else." Do you think that's something that could work?