sick of being a virgin

[skzly]

hello,

i posted before on this site to get some guidance around my sexual identity, and i'm pretty confident and happy in saying i'm a lesbian now.

however, i think i'm soon going to make a very non-lesbian and bad decision. i'm at uni and everyone around me is having a great time having sex and experimenting, and i'm getting so sick of having zero sexual experience. its very hard to find gay girls and i dont want to feel like a predator on the hunt for one so i can get my rocks off. but i really want to enjoy experimenting as well and see what sex is like.

on the other hand...it is incredibly easy to find guys for a hook up. i get propositioned everytime i go to the club, and i've got one of these guys' number and it's tempting to just ask him round mine so i can lose my virginity.

i think i'm quite a sexual person, i have a lot of fantasies and i really enjoy masturbation. so i just really want to know what sex is like. that bad.

it was very easy to admit i like girls but it is still tough to admit that i don't like guys. i think comphet had me good and i desired sex with men for a while, so this kind of idea doesn't feel too far-fetched for me. but just thinking about actually going through with it makes me feel anxious. i know that i won't enjoy it and i'll go on a big spiral of regret, shame and self-loathing afterwards, but i'm getting to the point where i'm telling myself to just do it so i can say ive "done it".

and i dont mean so i can tell others ive done it (trust me, i think my friends would be a bit confused if i told them them this a few months after me coming out as a lesbian lmao - this would stay a secret). for me its not a shame thing, i have no problem admitting im a virgin to others at all, but sex is such a big thing and i just want to finally be able to relate and understand.

my ideal would be to find a lovely girl that i fall in love with and then have sex with, because i personally want sex to be meaningful (and it would only mean something with girls for me). but that ideal isnt looking likely anytime soon and im feeling desperate.

i'm honestly sure that i'm posting this here just so someone can convince me not to do it. i get that i need to be patient and optimistic but even though i'm happy i've come to a conclusion with my sexual identity, i'm now feeling very isolated as a lesbian and it's frustrating.

...and now i feel like a bad fake lesbian since i shouldn't be including men at all in my sexuality (there's a voice at the back of my head saying that it's so hard to admit i don't like guys that i need to force myself to have traumatising sex with one so i can really be sure of it and call myself a lesbian).

[Sam W]

Hi skzly,

I think it's sound to know that having sex with a guy just wouldn't be a healthy or caring call to make for yourself, because it's not something you actively want and just thinking about it makes you anxious and ashamed. Too, having that kind of encounter would create the opposite effect of what you want from seeking out sex; it wouldn't be fun experimentation that helps you understand what sex is like, it would be crummy sex that you didn't even want.

I do want to add that there's nothing inherently predatory about being a queer woman looking for other queer women to have casual sex with. There are plenty of lesbians (for example) who are looking for hook-ups rather than something serious, at least at that moment. When you've tried to meet other queer women in the past, where have you looked?

[skzly]

Hi, thanks for your reply!

I think that you're right it wouldn't be the kind of experience I'm looking for. I think I'm just struggling to feel any form of validation right now, but I need to find away to be able to just depend on myself. easier said than done lol. longing for this kind of male validation despite knowing i don't actually want it sucks.

my uni does gay club nights, and i've made out with girls there. being able to ask them home with me without coming across as a desperate weirdo is beyond me. i've also been on a couple tinder dates but it always ends kinda friend-zoney. oh dear i'm starting to realise that the problem might be me

[Sofi]

Let me start by saying, the problem isn't you, and I'm not just saying that. Dating, hookups, and everything in between is HARD. I appreciate how aware you're being of not coming off a certain way to girls you meet at the club, but there are certainly respectful non-creepy ways to ask someone if they want to come home with you, and while it's easier with guys, it doesn't mean it's off limits to ask a girl. If you're hitting it off and she seems interested, it might be worth a shot. Perhaps it won't work out and would end in a friend-zone situation like some Tinder dates, but not everyone we meet and like can end up in a hookup or a relationship, realistically. Dating is a lot of putting yourself out there and being vulnerable.
What Sam said is right, that there are a lot of queer women looking for hookups, so they're definitely out there. But I also agree with Sam that having sex with a guy wouldn't be a healthy choice for you, and I don't want you to regret it. It's understandable to want to have sex and finally know what that's like, but sex with someone you aren't attracted to or under circumstances you're not comfortable with, is NOT the kind of sex people rave about anyway.
I also want to just say, you're not a fake lesbian for having thoughts of sex with men. Sexuality is complicated and it's possible for you to have sex with a man and still be a lesbian, but only if it's what you really want to do. <3

[skzly]

hi, i was supposed to reply earlier, but thank you so much for your response. it was really reassuring, and i'm glad i had it for what almost happened tonight.

i basically got really desperate and made an impulse decision to get tinder and find a guy to hook up with. and i did, i got to the point where i had asked and found where he lives, but my body was trembling (with anxiety i presume) and i felt awful. obviously this could just nerves and be fear of the unknown, but i know it's more than that. i was trying to force myself to brave it so i could just get it over and done with but i ended up cancelling on him.

i've calmed down now, but i'm concerned for the future. i know all the reasons why it would be a bad decision, and i completely agree with what both of you have said, but i'm scared that one day i'm going to give up and impulsively go through with it and have a horrible time. because this option is always on my mind, i really cannot stop thinking about it.

okay warning for tmi now. i feel like me being a virgin is why i'm basically addicted to erotica and masturbation, because i'm just touch-starved and desperate to know what it's like. is there any way to make these urges for sex less prominent in my daily life? i'm not saying porn and masturbation are bad at all, i just need a healthy way to find peace with my virgin status, to stop me from doing something i will regret, because tonight is the closest i've been to it and maybe next time i won't stop myself. so yeah i'm talking more about the urge to be validated by someone else (a guy) sexually - it isn't healthy and this obsession is making me miserable.

[Mo]

I'm really glad to hear that you decided to cancel on the guy you met on tinder. As you say here, I think that wouldn't have been a good decision for you, and I don't think the experience would have given you any of what you're looking for when it comes to sex.

Because it sounds like this is something that's on your mind a lot, and it sounds like you're worried that you'll go through with it at some point, I wanted to check in and see if you've noticed struggling with impulsive or self-harming behavior in other areas of your life. If this is part of a larger pattern, is it something you've ever sought out some help for? If not, or if this is something new and not part of a pattern, do you think you'd be willing to talk to a counselor or therapist about it? They might have some thoughts on how to handle these impulsive moments without doing something harmful.

In terms of dealing with your urges and desires for sex less prominent in your daily life, I have a few thoughts. The first is that it's really understandable that you're craving sexual intimacy right now; it's a really normal thing to want. If you find yourself considering seeking out sex with men, would it help to try and refocus that energy into women instead? I think Sofi made some good points above about meeting women at clubs; it might feel more difficult, but it's certainly possible and it's much more likely to result in something positive for you.

I don't want to over-generalize here, but based on everything I've heard from my queer women friends, it's often very common for women to feel uncomfortable initiating sex or intense flirtation with other women, often for fears that they'll be too pushy or creepy or come off wrong. Most women know what it's like to receive unwanted attention from men, and don't want to replicate those same patterns themselves. But I don't think "I'm really enjoying this, do you want to come back to my place?" or "I've had a great time with you here, can I give you my number?" are going to come off as either creepy or desperate. I think focusing your attention on the kind of people you know you really want to be with will help in the long run.
I can really sympathize with feeling a little down on tinder after some less-than-amazing experiences, but it's very common for people to have quite a few not-so-great dates before finding someone they click with. If it's too exhausting or stressful to use apps like tinder, you definitely don't have to; you can always remove them from your phone for a while if you want. But I don't think your lack of luck so far means anything bad about you, in particular. So much about dating is just random luck in meeting someone you get on well with.

Outside of these very strong feelings of wanting sexual intimacy, how's the rest of your life looking? Are you feeling fulfilled in other areas? Are there hobbies and interests you feel good putting your energy into? Getting wrapped up in a new hobby or making a lot of time for friends won't necessarily make those sexual feelings go away, but sometimes if we don't have much going on at all, the lack of things we want can be a lot more difficult to deal with.

[skzly]

oh yeah i had counselling for a few months that i ended in February actually. i was very repressed because of my hyper-religious family and had a lot of shame because of my sexuality and childhood things that i've only recently been processing. but we mainly talked about masturbation because i was only able to get off fantasising about rape which was very upsetting to me. i've now gotten over this shame and obsession, but i suppose these impulsive thoughts are a pattern for me.

well i say i'm over it, but now typing this out, me wanting to force myself to sleep with a guy is vaguely reminiscent of my old compulsive fantasies.

anyways, no self harm though.

i think you're right, i just need to persevere on the women front, considering that's what i truly desire. there's a gay club night at my uni soon and i will try be optimistic, i'm sure i will have a good time however it ends.

other than this problem i feel generally fulfilled. i have hobbies and interests i enjoy and i'm lucky to have great friends around me. i always feel slightly empty during school holidays so maybe once uni starts again next week and i'm back to seeing my friends more often i'll be less focussed on what's making me upset. hopefully i can sort this out before summer or that's going to be tough.

[Mo]

I wonder if there's anything you discussed during those counselling sessions that could be helpful for you to consider now? I certainly don't want to speak for you but I could see there being a connection between these current thoughts and the compulsive fantasies you were having.

I hope the gay club night winds up being a good time, whatever happens!

[skzly]

hey,

just here to give a positive update. i've given myself some time to think through things and remember what we spoke about in those counselling sessions for the similar issue.

i feel like a i've got a really fresh perspective on it all now, and i'm setting boundaries between my fantasies and what i actually, truly desire (because i don't think they're the same anymore, and i don't want to let them lead me into bad decisions). having to reflect about this has made me confident in my lesbian identity and set further mental boundaries with the guys around me so i'm no longer vying for their validation.

my desperation to lose my virginity was based on my heterosexual view on sex, which i don't really want anymore. obviously it's going to be a long journey getting fully confident and not wanting men to validate me, and not letting my singleness affect my own self-worth, but i'm feeling good about it.

thank you so much for the work you guys do here. it's seriously, seriously amazing. i just wanted to know that i was normal and not completely broken and you have always reassured me brilliantly. lots of love to you guys <3

[Sofi]

Oh, this is amazing! I'm so so glad you're feeling better about the whole situation and it sounds lke you have a really healthy perspective now. Your singleness absolutely does not affect your self-worth, and I'm proud of you for recognizing that! Thanks for the kind words, too. <3