Scarleteen

Hello,
My boyfriend [m19] and I [f19] joke around a lot and playfully make fun of each other. For example he likes to eat food with little seasoning and I joke around about that. I like to take short showers and he jokes about that. There have been times where I thought a joke was too far and I told him to stop. He stopped and he's more careful. But I'm worried that either both of us/him/me are being mean and bullying.

For ex. we were at a bus stop once, but we were on the wrong side. He thought he knew where the bus was but obviously he didn't. I was joking about that the whole day that happened. I also sometimes bring it up in a joking way. Another thing is we like to play wordle. If I guess a word that doesn't give us any hints, he'll go "bro you're throwinggggg" in a very exaggerated manner (throwing is a slang term for you messed up btw). Are these instances bad? How do I recognize if I'm being mean or if he's being mean? Because we're so playful sometimes it can be hard to decipher. I'm very worried that this can turn into a toxic relationship as I've read that meanness and insulting are a part of toxic/abusive relationships. I don't want to be toxic nor do I want to be in a toxic relationship.

A slightly unrelated question. I see that many romantic relationships are bad/toxic etc. I'm just afraid that mine will become like that too. Even though it seems pretty good now, I'm very afraid that it will turn bad in the future, just because so many bad relationships start well too. I understand that it's good to be wary and check in to make sure a relationship feels good. But how do I not feel paranoid whether my relationship will stay healthy? I find myself being paranoid about this and find myself nitpicking small instances and over-generalizing about what they could mean. For ex, my boyfriend wanted to go rock-climbing but I didn't. He asked why and I just went "because". He was slightly annoyed for a few moments and I asked him why. He said he wants to try new things and doesn't want to do it alone. He was annoyed that I didn't give him a good reason. So I explained how I was scared of heights and he said "ok we don't have to go, but I do think it can be good to face your fears". Now I'm worried that this is a sign of something bad, even though it was a disagreement that ended civilly. I personally think I'm catastrophizing our relationship and only focusing on the negative, but how can I make sure that I'm not rationalizing bad things and just making normal things very bad?

Hi vidvoop. You know, these are both actually quite common questions people have, especially if it's one of their first relationships ever. Right now we see the whole "red flag" thing all over the internet, often as a joke but sometimes not, and while I think it's super important to educate people on what red flags are, it can also make people a bit paranoid. The way I see the joking thing, if you both know you're joking, if it doesn't hurt your feelings (or if it does, if it's a subject/joke your partner didn't know would hurt your feelings), it's probably safe. If you're joking to each other about something you know your partner is insecure about or a subject that's sensitive for them, that's not okay. What you described and the examples you gave sounds like innocent playfulness, and as long as you're both okay with that dynamic, there's nothing wrong with it and it isn't toxic. Regarding your concern about the relationship becoming toxic, unfortunately we never can know if this will happen to our relationship, we can only control how we behave and treat our partner and what boundaries we set. It's also important to trust your partner, and to realize there's a difference between healthy arguing/disagreeing and unhealthy fights. The rock climbing incident sounds like a normal disagreement, it might be that on his side he didn't receive enough communication from you so he assumed the worst. To avoid this, you can try to communicate better (explain why you don't want to do something rather than just saying "because"), and he can also communicate that he would like to know why. This is all okay and not unhealthy, it's just two people being different in some ways and figuring out how to live life together.