my sexual desires are problematic

[hijklmnop]

I'm going to try my best to lay out all the information about my situation. I hope someone has some insight into what's wrong with me, or if there's a word or label for the attractions/feelings I am experiencing.

I am a 20 year old woman, and I'm not transgender. As a natural caretaker my social role as a woman in society fits me. But physically, I wish I were a cisgender man with a decently sized, fully functional penis. The thought of it is erotic to me, but also just seems like something I should have even in a nonsexual context. It feels unfair to me that some people were born with a pleasure stick and I wasn't. It is something I can never have which depresses me greatly.

I have had top surgery, just because boobs are absolutely not a part of my gender and they were very large and made me deeply deeply uncomfortable. But I am not a man, and I would never want to physically transition into a man because I would never have the penis I want and also I don't want to socially transition. I am okay with being a woman, or nonbinary, or whatever. I like they/them and she/her pronouns. He/him pronouns dont fit me and I would never want to use them.

Romantically, I am attracted to women. I find that they are more empathetic and thoughtful and I feel more comfortable with them. The idea of doing anything cute with a man makes me downright uncomfortable, whilst the idea of going on sweet dates with a women and wooing a woman and spending the rest of my life with her makes butterflies flutter in my stomach and makes my soul happy.

I can't imagine having sex with a woman though. Perhaps its the porn that exists, but sex between women is always portrayed as loud and obnoxious and all for show for the male audience. It turns me off so fast. I know obviously real life isn't like that. There was actually one sensual lesbian video that I liked, but even that video only turns me on when I'm in a certain mood, and I feel like I'm not always attracted to women. I would love to have sex with a woman if I was a cis man. A penis makes a lot more sense to me. After all, I LOVE boobs and I am definitely turned on by those.

THIS IS WHERE THE SITUATION GOES DOWNHILL AND GETS REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. (theres nothing like incest, beastiality or pedophilia but it's still pretty bad i think).

What really turns me on is gay men. And I hate it. I hate it so much. I know its bad and I know everyone hates women who fetishize gay men. I know its disgusting... but I feel like cant control my brain and my desires. I don't objectify them. I campaign for gay rights in the real world and I respect gay men. But I also just find them so attractive. This started when I was 14 and it's the only thing I can usually get sexual pleasure from. Gay books, gay shows, gay anime/manga, gay porn... I love to consume it all. I like all kinds of gay porn. Muscular men or thin men, gentle or rough, romantic or not. The idea of two people with penises engaging in sexual acts together is just what my body responds to.

When I masturbate, I exclusively think about men and I imagine I am also a man. If I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, or become conscious of my wide hips, anything that reminds me I'm a woman, I become uncomfortable and turned off. If I make a feminine sounding noise, I get turned off.

I also have a rape kink. Which is so fucking awful I know. The more I type the worse this gets. And I hate it and I know its horrible. I've had it as long as I can remember. When I was touched without my consent by a man when I was 15 I was disgusted and uncomfortable and I felt unsafe. But since that time this rape fetish has only grown and I don't understand why because that experience was horrible for me. To be clear, I mean that I am turned on by the idea of being raped by an attractive person, I am NOT turned on by the idea of raping anyone, or doing anything without consent really. But for my brain, the only way I can experience pleasure whilst not imagining I am a man with a penis is if I am being sexually violated. I sometimes imagine I am a man during these rape fantasies, but usually I am fine with being a woman.

I dont know whats wrong with me. i wish I were just a lesbian or a straight women attracted to straight men with normal consentual sex. Why does my brain have all these complicated attitudes towards gender and these weird fetishes? It's my greatest shame. And I wish I could change. I also wish I could describe my sexuality and gender better. I just identify as queer bc wtf was all that I just typed.

Am I just a straight woman? Does wanting to marry a woman but not naturally being inclined to sleep with one or do anything more physical than kiss her and touch her boobs make me some kind of poser? Like my mind wanted to be gay somehow but couldnt commit to it all? Why am I attracted to gay men when I am not a man? Why does my brain think its hot to literally be sexually harrassed when I know damn well if that happened in real life beyond my fantasies it would be traumatic as hell.

I have never dated anyone or met a gay person offline so I have no reference as to how I feel outside of a fantasy.

I just have so much inner turmoil and I don't know how to deal with with all this guilt and confusion. Someone please help.

[Mo]

Hi there hijklmnop, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I want to acknowledge first thing that it sounds like all these desires and feelings are causing you a lot of distress, and I'm really sorry to hear that. The second thing, though, is that these desires you're describing--being turned on by thoughts of and media focusing on gay men, and by rape fantasies--don't make you a bad person. You aren't harming other people by having those feelings. It's all right if you aren't comfortable with them; I won't tell you that you must accept and feel great about your fantasies. But I think it's important to say that having them doesn't say something terrible about you as a person.

Sexual desire can be weird sometimes, or scary. It doesn't always make sense. But those feelings you're having aren't harming other people; they're internal, they're something that only you are experiencing. It is okay to feel these things, to have these sexual fantasies. I believe very firmly that your feelings can't harm someone else; your actions can, but those are two distinct things. And what I hear you saying is that you have a very clear understanding of where the borders of your fantasy brush up against reality: you understand that you wouldn't want to be sexually assaulted again. You aren't treating actual gay men in the world as sexual objects. It doesn't sound like you're acting in a harmful way because of those fantasies.

I don't think people need to justify the reasons they have the sexual fantasies they do, and I'm not telling you this because I think you need to have an "excuse" to have these fantasies, but sometimes sexual fantasy is a place to explore or process feelings that don't have a lot of other outlets. Not everyone who's experienced sexual assault has rape fantasies, but some do; they might use those fantasies as a way to process trauma in a "safe" space, or they might feel some level of agency by crafting fantasy that they're ultimately in control of. And again: if that isn't what those fantasies mean to you, that's okay; you don't have to "earn" them by processing trauma in a certain way, or by having experienced that trauma in the first place. But I think it might be helpful to know that this isn't uncommon, and it doesn't mean you're secretly hoping to be assaulted again.

It's also pretty common for women (or other people who aren't men) to be interested in porn, fiction, art, etc. depicting gay cis men. A lot of folks have a lot of opinions about this, and it sounds like you've heard from some people who have very negative feelings about it; I know that there are certain online spaces, especially ones that are fandom-related, where people feel very negatively about this. But that isn't universal; plenty of people (including plenty of gay and queer men!) genuinely do not care if people other than gay men are also interested in gay media. The angry voices about this can be very loud, but they don't speak for everyone.

Some people find it easier to engage with sexual media where they don't feel "present" in terms of their own body or gender, or they might find that more media has male actors/characters they find attractive than female ones, or they might be feeling out some aspect of their own gender or sexuality that's easier to process in some contexts than in others. As I said above, I don't think you need to justify how you feel to anyone, but I do also think it can help to know that there can be a lot of valid reasons for having the kind of fantasies you do. And yes, "I just think it's sexy" is also a valid reason.

Again, I think it's your actions, not your desires, that are important here. If you were being sexually inappropriate to gay men you encountered in your daily life, that would be a problem! It sounds like you don't know gay people in your daily life, to your knowledge, but it also sounds like you wouldn't be likely to act in an offensive way around them, or treat them poorly, due to your own sexual desires. That's what is most important, in my opinion. You having sexual fantasies about men having sex with each other is not actively causing harm to gay men.

I know there's a lot in your comment I didn't address, but I wanted to just touch on this one part first, since it seemed to be the most distressing to you right now and I don't want to overload you with too long of a response. But we can certainly talk about your own feelings about your gender and sexuality, in terms of who you'd be interested in irl, too.