Penetration just wont happen and sensory issues suck

[BatsNCats]

Sorry this is such a long one! So, I’m a twenty year old virgin, I’ve had a healthy relationship with my body and masturbation since i was a teen, but for the past 3 years I've been trying to do penetration, using fingers, items, anything, i have been so wet that its basically too wet and flooded and then tried and still nothing.

The most i can do is a single finger and it fits in like it curls up, like a C, it feels tight, theres a spongy bit which i saw on another post from a few years ago and thats not my main main worry, though it was interesting to see your vagina kinda collapses in on itself when you're not using it? Which is wild and I still wanna know how that works. However back to the point on hand, i can only get one finger in, not much movement, just kinda numb? And i cant get another in coz it hurts a LOT and I'm pretty sure its my Hymen, like webbed skin at bottom and it stops me from opening up, I've tried forcing it and almost felt like cutting it multiple times because its so frustration (i wont do it, i realise thats self mutilation), but i legitimately Don't know what to do. It wont break, I'm scared and it hurts, I've tried more fingers, toys, i actually today got a proper rabbit vibrator and was like todays the day! Ive tried 3 times, nothing. I know its a slow process but Ive been trying to get this to work for 3 years, im frustrated, i want it to work and i wanna know how it feels!!

Ive talked about this to my girlfriend and she’s sort of in the same boat, except she doesn't try at all which is cool n all, I'm glad shes content, but for me and my body I'm not, i really want it to work but it wont. Im very glad though because it means she wont push it or pressure me, letting me take it at my own pace. Hymen sucks and hurts a lot, its numb, closed up and still hasn’t warmed up! I don't know what to do.


Side note: i was going to make a separate ask but thought why not keep it together. So basically I'm autistic and i have MASSIVE sensory issues, i can get overwhelmed and shut down, that can be during anything but with relationships its happened with things as simple as kissing or cuddling, I'm too busy trying to plan and panicking, i cant relax and enjoy it, not to mention i don't get much from kissing at all, it broke my girlfriends heart when i tried to explain i don't get p much anything from kissing i just feel weird and maybe even a bit uncomfortable, to much sensory stuff at once, n being numb kissing just feels a little gross?? But i still do it because i want to get better and mainly please my partner, I'm okay pushing my boundaries somewhat to make her happy and comfortable, but i just wish i could learn to take it easier and try and relax and enjoy it, and if theres any tips for how to get over autistic sensory issues a little with this stuff i would appreciate it to high heavens. Im worried ill freak when it comes to sex with my girlfriend too, we’ve talked about it, discussed, explained and gotten through that massively, but we’re going to be spending next week together and i want to try something small, but I'm worried I'm gonna get overwhelmed and have a shutdown, so please any advice would help x

[Mo]

Hi there BatsNCats, and welcome to Scarleteen.

Since you mention it feeling like your hymen is causing some difficulty in inserting more than just one finger, I'm curious about whether you've ever talked to a doctor about it or had a gynecological exam. If you haven't done that, that's what I'd recommend looking into now. While that tissue generally wears away over time, occasionally it can be a bit tougher/stronger; it's possible that this is what you're experiencing. A doctor will be able to take a look and help you sort out what's happening and what you can do to make the kind of sex you want to have easier.

It sounds like this is really frustrating for you, and I get that frustration can sometimes lead to a "I just want to get this DONE WITH!" sort of feeling, but I can't recommend strongly enough that you not try to force things along. All you're likely to do is hurt yourself and have an uncomfortable experience at best, and that can make it harder to relax and enjoy yourself in the future! Forcing things can cause some self-perpetuating problems when it comes to sex, because if you're anticipating pain or discomfort, it's easier to tense up or be preoccupied worrying about that discomfort, which makes it more likely.

I think some other volunteers may have some better advice on how to handle sensory issues, but similarly to the above, I would suggest you don't try to push yourself too much to do things that are making you uncomfortable. It's just as important that you enjoy yourself and feel comfortable and positive during physical intimacy as it is for your partner, after all, and pushing yourself may very well make moments of discomfort stronger. It sounds like you're already communicating pretty well about your comfort levels, but I wonder if it would help (if you haven't done this already) to talk with her about what it looks like for you if you feel overloaded or about to shut down from too much sensory input.
Is there a signal you can give her if you feel like that moment's getting close, one where you feel like you can probably do it even if you're overwhelmed and she can agree to pull back and stop if she notices it? Having those kind of discussions and established signals beforehand may make you feel a little more comfortable in the moment because you know you have a plan if you start feeling uncomfortable.

[BatsNCats]

I see! Whenever i researched into it and even asked my friends or mentioned it to my mom theyd always be like oh yeah it just breaks, some people break when cycling and stuff as kids, like its thin and doesnt matter, but it doesnt look super thin and easy to break for me so i just thought i was broken or doing something wrong. I’ll try to organise an examination with a doctor, i been pretty petrified to go and my body be seen but i guess its my best bet. So ill fill out a form for my local doctors. It really is frustrating as all hell and makes me feel so stupid and broken, its been long enough that i need to look for external support so i really appreciate your kind and helpful response xx

I may ask a bit more on a seperate post to do with sensory stuff then, but i think that makes a lot of sense, i think im gonna try and explain what it feels like, she can sometimes pick up on it even when we cuddle n stuff she sorta is learning to recognise but i think we gotta go more in depth on it. I Guess a sort of safe word was something we discussed but a physical signal like tapping out can work better? Coz sometimes in my meltdowns or freeze ups i become non verbal.

[Elise]

Hi BatsNCats, first let me reassure you that you are not "stupid" or "broken" if your hymen (another name for it isvaginal corona) or something else is making it hard for you to insert anything in your vagina. This is something a lot of people have difficulty with, and a doctor will just help you with that/work out how to work with your body if it is something else.

It's totally okay to feel nervous about having a doctor do a pelvic exam for the first time, however it is one of those things that once you've done it for the first time seems a lot less daunting, and you'll be taking a positive step towards taking care of your reproductive health by starting to have regular check ups. What helps me sometimes is to know more about what will happen and prepare, so will put some articles about it here for you. You may also find it useful to tell the doctor/nurse about your sensory needs and any sensations you find particularly uncomfortable/triggering, so they can avoid them and ensure you are comfortable as best as they can.

Some information about having a pelvic exam: Your First Gynecologist Visit.

Starting a new thread about sensory processing and sex might help you organise the conversation threads, however it's okay to chat about it here too if that's easier.

Your idea of a safe signal that isn't verbal sounds like a great thing to try. You could try it as well as a word and see what ends up working for you and your partner, which may be to keep both. You can see that having a gesture is recommended in this article, which you might find useful: A Brief Guide to Consenting with a Nonverbal Partner. You might also find exploring these resources useful:

• Neurodiversity, Love and Sexuality - Resource Library
• Sex on the Brain: Sex and Autism, Mental Illness, and Other Cognitive Diversity