Really confused about myself

[pensiveguy]

Hi,

A lot of people are in vaguely the same situation as me as far as I’m aware (in the world, that is, not near me). That is, I’ve been questioning for a while but not seriously, and I’ve always told everyone I’m straight. However, over the last few days/weeks I’ve been thinking about my sexuality a lot more and drawing serious conclusions: but despite this, I’m still not fully satisfied, and it’s annoying me to the point where I’m starting to get frustrated because I feel I should know myself better. I’m pretty sure there are several… complications that could contribute to this, but I’m not sure why, how, or how big of a factor some of them are.

The first is that I go to an all boys’ boarding school. My old school was co-ed day/boarding, and I mostly felt comfortable there and secure with my identity; but for the last year at that school and the time I’ve been here (I’m 15, and this started around 3 years ago), I’ve started to question myself in the back of my mind. I started having sexual fantasies, which are a part of adolescence I’m sure, but some have been with girls and some have been with boys. It really depends on what mood I’m in, who I’ve talked to recently, or it could be random, but I pushed the “Why?” to the back of my mind until now. I started checking out people in the locker room, comparing people, imagining fantasies with both sexes on the spot: but again, I never really asked myself why: I just assumed it was a phase or something and got on with it with no worries.

Another “complication” is that I’m really, really shy when it comes to any sort of flirting or chatting people up, so I’ve never been in any sort of relationship with anyone (not to say I haven’t wanted to be) of either sex. This also means that I’ve only ever had one real, proper “crush” on someone (a girl at the co-ed school who was a friend at the time), but never went further with my feelings, which I will probably always regret. This means that I can’t really relate to anything or anyone in terms of a relationship or strong feelings apart from her, and even then I have zero experience. I’ve seen so many people suggest, “How was your first kiss, and which gender was it with?” “Have you ever kissed another boy?” "How did it feel to kiss girls compared to boys?" etc, none of which apply to me.

What I’m trying to say is that I may look like a pretty standard story at first, but there are some things in my life and personality that make this so much harder for me. I think I might be bi, but I feel pretty alone since everyone I know and love is 100% sure I’m straight: and especially since I have very little to go on except my own feelings deep down inside: which aren’t really being much use either. I keep thinking that is could just be a phase that will pass on, too, but I can't see myself in 10 years' time so I really don't know. I’m here to seek any opinions or advice that this brilliant community can give to me on this, because right now I’m feeling pretty confused and unique (the bad kind of unique). Thanks so much in advance, I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused in my life so I really appreciate any response. Sorry, very long post: took me ages to write but it looks a lot longer than it felt and I’m a very wordy person :c

By the way, I come from a non-religious background with supportive parents/family, so there aren’t any problems there. But again, shyness stops me from doing a lot of things and I wouldn’t be surprised if coming out would be one of them.

[Sam W]

Hi Pensiveguy and welcome to Scarleteen,

You're absolutely right, this is a common situation that you're going through (probably more common that a lot of people think). The first thing I want to emphasize is that if identifying as bi feels like it fits right now, then that's how you get to identify. While some people's sexual orientation stays consistent across their lifetime, plenty of people find it shifts as they learn more about themselves. Past you identified as straight. Current you leans towards bisexual. Future you could identify any possible way and it still wouldn't invalidate the way you identified in the past. Does that make sense?

Too, your sexual orientation is not reliant on what kind of experiences you've had (like the kissing question you ran across). Fantasy is just as important as behavior (especially when you're young and have had limited chances to date or be physical with people), so just because you haven't had experiences with multiple genders doesn't mean you're hunch that you might be bi is wrong.

I think you might find these articles helpful to read, if you haven't already, since it sounds like what's in them might apply to you right now: Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz
Q is for Questioning

[pensiveguy]

Thank you so much for the reply! I have actually read those two articles before and they were very helpful, but I felt like I needed more of an individual response since I haven't had one yet: so I really appreciate the response.

I never really thought of sexuality as shifting, I always kind of thought it was fixed to an extent. That's given me a whole different perspective on what I'm going through and helps a lot.

Do you think it might be worth telling someone I trust what I'm feeling? I'm one of those people who doesn't like bottling things up, especially emotionally conflicting things like this. I think I might feel a bit more at ease if I know that someone else is aware of what's happening inside that weird head of mine: but then again, I'm worried that it might change his view on me totally and if I ever lean towards being straight again he won't believe me. I've never been so unsure about anything before!

[Heather]

Since you're saying you are not someone who feels better not talking, it sounds pretty clear that talking to people you trust, and expect to be understanding and supportive of you, is for sure a good move. It generally is, with pretty much everyone, for pretty much everything.

Did you have someone specific in mind? Sounds like you do.

[pensiveguy]

Hi Heather,
Thank you for the support and feedback, again I really appreciate it. I don't really have anyone specific in mind yet, I only used the "he" pronoun because anyone I did tell would be male since I'm at an all boys' school and pretty much all of my friends are male because of the shyness thing. However, when/if I do tell someone, I have no idea how to bring it up at all. I can't exactly go straight up to them and pour out my deepest thoughts, that would be ludicrous (or as far as I see it, anyway). Again, I feel a little bit penned in since everyone knows me as straight so it would be a shock to whoever I told, narrowing down when/where/in what circumstances/how I can tell them even more.

[Heather]

Maybe let's start by trying to think if there is anyone specific: can you think of anyone? It's easier to sort out fears with someone specific in mind.

[pensiveguy]

Yeah, I can definitely think of a few and could narrow it down to one or two who I know I can trust and are there to be told. I have a lifetime friend who I would tell first for sure but he lives 150 miles away and I'd much rather let it out in person than over Skype or Messenger.

[pensiveguy]

By the way I won't see anything for another 7-8 hours since it's 11 pm over here and I'm super tired

[Jacob]

Hey pensiveguy!

Just reading your posts and could realy relate. It sounds a bit like me at 15!

One thing that can be difficult is learning to see your sexuality through your own point of view. And if fluidity of sexuality is part of that then awesome. More people go through what you're describing than you think, and they wouldn't all be able to verbalise it or come to scarleteen to talk about it. So while you may be feeling alone, you're also not, and feeling a bit trapped in a stricter idea of sexuality has been a struggle for many of us.

One other thing I'd suggest is to scope people out. You don't need to spontaneously come out to people, but finding out if there are people in your vicinity who *are* open minded could be a great way to make friends and feel supported even before those conversations happened. Are there people around you who already think that there's more to sexuality than being gay or straight, who are more generally supportive?

[pensiveguy]

Hi Jacob,

Thanks for the response, it really helps. I'm really not certain if the people I'm thinking of are aware of how complex sexuality is, but I would be surprised if they didn't know at least what bi, pan and the rest mean. All of the people I'm thinking of would be generally supportive and are open minded in general, I'm fairly certain on that: so there's not really any problem there. I feel pretty lucky to not know personally anyone who is not open minded to this sort of thing, actually.

[Sam W]

Glad to hear you've got lots of people around you who are open minded

If your far-off friend is not an option right now, do you have a second person who you could talk with in person? Or is there a time fairly soon-ish when you and your far-off friend will be in the same area?

[pensiveguy]

There won't be a time when we'll be in the same area for a few months at least, if not after Christmas. So not really soon-ish.

I have two people I could talk with in person who I think would understand and be the most supportive to start with.

Now there's just the "small" issue of what to say, when to say it and where to say it...

[Sam W]

Well, let's start with the "what" portion of the conversation. You can try thinking of it this way: what do you want them to know, and as there anything specific you want them to do as a result of the conversation?

(I'm figuring talking it out here step by step is helping you out, but definitely correct me if I'm wrong)

[pensiveguy]

No, it's definitely helping. As I said, I'm a very wordy person

The main objective is just to let them know that I'm trying to work myself out at the moment and there are a lot of emotions flying around in my head: so if I don't seem "normal" lately or in the near future then that's what's causing it. Also I want them to know that I'm telling them because I trust them but also because it just lifts a huge weight off my mind if my problems aren't just stuck in my head, but if other people are aware of what's happening to me.

As for anything I want them to do, nothing really. Just to know that I trust them to keep the subject between us for now and not to treat me any differently in front of others for the time being. I think just knowing that they know is more than enough.

[Sam W]

I think if tell them what you just told me, you be all set in the what department If you want you could also think of some questions, from what you know about your friends, that they might have and come up with how you'd answer them so you feel even more prepared.

As for where to tell them, are there places where you feel most comfortable?

[pensiveguy]

Well, not really. With this sort of thing it's more of a "when the opportunity arises" kind of thing, if you see what I mean? I can't really think of any particular time or place which would be the most comfortable.

The questions thing is a really good idea. I'll do that.

[Sam W]

Ah, I follow you. Are you thinking you want to tell them together, or separately?

[pensiveguy]

Separately, definitely: if I tell both. If I tell one and feel that's enough then I'll leave it at that.

Be back in 45 mins or so.

[pensiveguy]

I feel like I've got a million voices in my head right now, all crashing into each other trying to tell me different things. My mood is shifting all the time and it's starting to get to me... I feel like I'm not really in control of myself at the moment; I don't know. It's such a weird experience. Has anyone else had the same problems at this point? I just feel less secure, like someone's kind of watching behind the scenes and just throwing random things into my mind all the damn time.
It also feels really strange that I feel like people are seeing me as my normal self on the outside but inside I'm a total wreck. I've never really felt that before, I've always been a fairly open person.

I'm pouring out my deepest emotional anxieties to some (incredibly helpful and supportive) people on the internet that I've never met. What on earth is happening to me xD

[Heather]

Want to talk about what you feel like a wreck about a little more? Where do you think the hardest, scariest feelings here making you feel so off-kilter are coming from? What are those about?

[pensiveguy]

I don't really know... I guess it could be the fact that I'm discovering an entirely new and important thing about myself, which is pretty intimidating the more you think about it. Things like "Why are you questioning yourself? You've never had a crush on any other boy", and then a lot of thought on whether I have or do now and I haven't realised it or dismissed it; "Everyone else around you is acting completely normally, why is it only you?"; "Does anyone suspect anything or have suspected anything at all, in the past or the present?", and then another long think; I find myself constantly analysing other people's behaviour around me and then analysing my own critically... and more that I can't get from the top of my head right now but will no doubt come back later: but those are the main ones right now.

[Mo]

I can sympathize with what you're describing here - I consider myself a bit of an overthinker and if I'm stuck on a particular question about myself or my life it's hard not to let it take over a bit, or assume other people are noticing or having those thoughts about me.
It sounds like you might be having some overwhelming or intrusive thoughts about this. Are there things you find that help quiet your mind at all? For some people that can be sports or other physical exercise or movement, something more relaxed like meditation or yoga, or a creative/artistic hobby. Finding something like that - or trying to do it more often, if there's already something like this in your life - might be helpful so you're not feeling too overwhelmed here.

[pensiveguy]

Hi Mo,
It's good to know that I'm not the only one who suffers from overthinkitis!

I have football today, so that might help clear my head a little. I think I'm going to sleep for most of this afternoon since I'm super tired and I caught a cold: probably both connected to all of this, it's tiring out my head and immune system! I love Rubik's cubes, so I'll try getting back into that a bit more and I might try some meditation too, that sounds like it will help. Thanks for the tip!

[Sam W]

Hi Pensiveguy,

As a fellow overthinker, I second Mo's suggestion of knowing what things help you feel calmer or clear your head. Even if everyone in your life is supportive, working out your orientation and all the stuff surrounding can make your brain feel like it's been in a blender. Hopefully the activities you've got lined up today will help with that

[pensiveguy]

Thanks for the help, I'm a lot calmer tonight than I was this morning.
I have yet another question I'm curious about: how would you define a "crush"?