Scarleteen

Trigger warning:
I’m confused about a situation and what it means or what I should do. I don’t want to end things because this doesn’t happen ever but did happen once and I think about it. Also, my partner and I are moving in within a week. We’ve been together for almost two years and are in our early 20s. A few weeks ago During sex i said “wait” because I thought I had heard something and wanted to listen. He stopped but he kind of gave a thrust after I said wait so it wasn’t a complete stop it was like he stopped but gave one last thrust and then completely stopped. I shared how that made me feel uncomfortable because he didn’t immediately stop when I said and he felt bad and said he misunderstood or whatever. Tbh I don’t remember what he said but I like to believe what he said. I still feel confused about it because I’m a survivor of sexual abuse as a child and so it was triggering. I just keep thinking bad things like he’s a bad person and he raped me. But I don’t want to think or believe that especially since we’re going to be living together.

Hi pianolover,

You mention this only happened once, but are there other things about his behavior as a partner that signal he's not respectful of your boundaries? Or is he good about them?

I ask because sometimes during sex it can take a second to process what a partner is saying or doing, even if it's something pretty straightforward, and if someone is mid-motion they might complete it even after a partner as said something. Does that sound to you like what happened here?

I feel like he is mostly respectful and accept my boundaries and he doesn’t push/force me to engage in things I don’t want. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse and things around sex can be triggering and confusing. Like he’s masturbated that past few days when I’m gone and I cannot help but feel disturbed a little because he doesn’t so often while I don’t have any sexual desires lately. Probably mostly because of these thoughts

When you say he's mostly respectful, have there been any moments where he hasn't been respectful that really stood out or have caused you any lingering worries?

It may be helpful to have a conversation with him in which you talk about what you might need during sex to feel confident that he's paying a lot of attention to your reactions and listening for your feedback. If you'd like to ask for some extra care and attention during sex for a while, or there are things you aren't up for in the moment while you process your feelings around this, I think that's fine too! And I think if he's attentive during this conversation, and does indeed do the things you ask and engage in this conversation in good faith, that might go a long way towards making you feel a little more comfortable, here. But I do think it's worth talking about this again, since it sounds like it's still bothering you (understandably so!).

There were moments at the beginning that stood out but as we talked through them they haven't been like that but I guess especially lately we've been arguing more. We have been stressed because we're moving in together and figuring out money and everything. So, I'm more on edge and stressed and have been thinking more negatively. He's mostly respectful because he does listen but sometimes when he argues I feel like his tone creates some tension and annoys me and makes me think moving in is a bad idea. It's a serious commitment.

Would it help to talk here about how the two of you came to the decision to move in together? You're right that it's a process where there's going to be some baseline stress, but we can also talk about those misgivings and what it might make sense to do with them.

im not sure what you mean by misgivings. but last summer we talked about living together temporarily but it didn't work out for different reasons. it was a small cabin space and he was kind of far from home than he has ever been. he felt unsafe there too but he would visit and help me pay for the space while i lived there because of work. then i started school and he lived less than 10 min away. i would spend most of my time at his house. basically in a sense i lived there. After months of school i talked about wanting to live off-campus and live with him and then it became an idea and then as it became closer to summer we started talking about it looking for a space and that's kind of how it happened.

That detail is all really helpful! By misgivings, I meant some of what you're expressing here, particularly the fact you've been arguing more and that's setting you on edge and making you second guess the move. Have you two ever talked about the fact the arguments seem more frequent? If so, how has that gone?