i've had some instances where there has been some mild-ish action when i didn't want it. i'll describe it here
some years ago i would be hanging with this cis guy B (i call him ex but tbh we ""dated"" in elementary, then we had conflicts and then soon we were "on friendly terms") and he'd often invite me to my house to watch a film or play a game. we would be in his bed or on the couch under some blankets and we'd be close, at a same distance where a couple would snuggle. but since B was basically a friend, i let it slide.
one time we were watching a movie and B absent mindedly put his arm over my shoulder and let his hand fall on my breast- when i made him notice he muttered "sorry i didn't mean to" at least a million times, then stated he thought it was my shoulder. i never believed him.
B again, last summer. still keeps wanting to get closer when we're at his house or at the pool. i start being suspicious since i know he's been crushing on me since elementary and these closeness attempts couldn't be just friendly and coincidental. if we're on the bed and he's sitting near me, i would lay on my belly so that my feet are where his face is. and vice versa if he changed position too.
but one day at the pool was my last straw.
when i went to the corners of the pool, he'd get uncomfortably close to me, locking me on the corner. if i swam away he would lock me on another corner. then i had enough and went on a pool noodle. then he sat behind me on the noodle and to make it go forward, he basically dry humped me and i could feel his arousal poking me. i confronted him, trying my best not to make a scene at the public pool, and B never invited me anywhere again.
and this winter with another cis guy named A, when we went for a walk in the park *as not-so-close friends* due to our parents being coworkers. as we were sitting close on a bench, he went close to my face and initiated a kiss with tongue and all. i did nothing to stop it and it was absolutely disgusting; just writing about it makes my stomach turn.
what especially makes me uneasy about it is that both of them are cis guys, who don't know me that well at all, and would not understand if i explained to them i am a trans guy (and until last summer i was still forcefully fem presenting) and that i am polyamorous and have an online partner, plus a qpp also online.
and in all these instances i never agreed to it or consented (if there was any consent to estabilish in first place)
plus i don't think these qualify as abuse or assault or anything, since there was no outright sexual intercourse, but they make me feel bad and i think i'm exagerating or overreacting since there's so many people in the world and many i know, who have had it worse and have been actually raped.
am i exagerating? what do i call this
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Re: am i exagerating? what do i call this
Hi mcjupiter,
It sucks that there have been multiple instances of guys acting this way towards you, and I'm sorry they made those choices.
When we're talking about sexual assault, the definition that we (and lots of other places) operate from is, "having something done to you sexually by someone else that is not wanted and/or which you have not consented to." Quite a bit of what you're describing falls under that definition. One thing I encourage you to keep in mind is that, if you choose to refer to them that way, you're not somehow diminishing what happened to other people, you're just describing what happened to you, you know?
Another thing to keep in mind is that it's ultimately up to you to describe what happened in whatever way feels most accurate or comfortable to you. If assault feels like the right term, then you can use it. It's also perfectly okay to say things like, "I'm still not sure what word captures this but it was unwanted and made me feel gross" because it's effect on you is the part of it that matters most.
It sucks that there have been multiple instances of guys acting this way towards you, and I'm sorry they made those choices.
When we're talking about sexual assault, the definition that we (and lots of other places) operate from is, "having something done to you sexually by someone else that is not wanted and/or which you have not consented to." Quite a bit of what you're describing falls under that definition. One thing I encourage you to keep in mind is that, if you choose to refer to them that way, you're not somehow diminishing what happened to other people, you're just describing what happened to you, you know?
Another thing to keep in mind is that it's ultimately up to you to describe what happened in whatever way feels most accurate or comfortable to you. If assault feels like the right term, then you can use it. It's also perfectly okay to say things like, "I'm still not sure what word captures this but it was unwanted and made me feel gross" because it's effect on you is the part of it that matters most.
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.