I'm 22 and have never kissed anyone. Vent/seeking advice

[seiii]

this is mostly going to be kind of a rant/vent so i'm very sorry for how long and incoherent it is. i'm just feeling lost right now and would really appreciate some advice. thanks in advance for reading!

so i'm a 22-year-old nonbinary person (afab and feminine-presenting). i knew i liked girls at around 15 and started identifying as lesbian at 17. however, i've never kissed or had sex with anyone. the only relationships i've had were online and none lasted more than a month. all of them were also instigated by the other person and i always realised quickly that i didn't actually like them romantically.

there are a bunch of reasons why i've never been with anyone:

1. i had the most stereotypically helicopter chinese parents you could think of. all throughout high school, my schedule was filled with hours of daily piano and clarinet practice, coaching school (external advanced tutoring) and other commitments, so i never even had the mental space for dating and was pretty socially stunted too.

2. my parents were overprotective as hell. i wasn't even allowed to go outside on my own until 16 years old. pretty sure this stunted my social development and common sense and it obviously prevented me from going to parties or experiencing other teenage rites of passage. it's probably a big reason why i'm such an awkward and anxious person.

3. i went to an all girls' school where everyone in my year was aggressively straight.

4. i'm introverted and my social battery runs out quickly. i'm also self-conscious and hyper-aware of how other people might be perceiving me. i know i'm way funnier and more interesting when i feel relaxed, but that's easier said than done, so when i'm in that state of social anxiety in front of someone i'm trying to impress, my brain doesn't work as fast, sentences become tangled before they come out of my mouth, i trip over words, i can't think of any witty responses, and i basically just look and sound awkward as hell. i'm getting a lot better with this recently but i honestly don't think it's ever going to go away.

5. i have body image issues which feed into my low self-esteem. my mum never let me wear clothes that were actually flattering for my body shape until my late teens, and also loves to remind me that i'm fat and that that'll make it hard for me to make friends, find a job, get taken seriously etc. when she used to buy my clothes for me, she'd insist on going into the change room with me to watch me change, make disparaging comments about my body and how i'd be able to fit into this-or-that if i were only thinner. if a shop attendant came to check on us and we had to ask for a bigger size, my mum would say sheepishly to the attendant, "i'm sorry, she's too big", as if me existing and not being able to fit into an item of clothing were embarrassing my mum and inconveniencing the shop attendant. my mum also loved to barge into the bathroom while i was showering to tell me something and make a passing fat-shaming remark as well. these days obviously i buy my own clothes and i'm finally happy with my fashion sense - i wear cute dresses, high waisted wide legged jeans and cute cropped tops just like any other feminine presenting person, instead of those frumpy long and baggy shirts that used to make me feel gross next to everyone else my age. but of course my mum never approves of my clothing choices and loves to look me up and down like a piece of meat when i'm getting ready to go out and tell me i look fat and should change. when i refuse to change, sometimes she gets so worked up she starts yelling about how i'll become a laughing stock and that it doesn't matter that i feel good in the clothes, i'm dressing to look good for other people and they (she) think(s) i look terrible. by the way, i don't even wear plus-sized clothing (not that there's anything wrong with being plus-size, just putting my mum's fat-shaming into context). my size is australian 12-14 or medium-large. rationally i know what my mum says isn't true, but this kind of constant fat-shaming and negative reinforcement even since my pre-teen years has definitely taken its toll. i'm hyper-aware of how i look now, can't walk past a mirror/window without checking if my stomach is protruding, and feel very awkward and unwieldy just existing in my own skin in front of other people sometimes.

6. (nsfw) continuing on my body image issues, not only am i chubby, i also have lots of body hair. like a thick black bush that covers the entirety of my vaginal area, a visible treasure trail down my stomach, and hairs in my butt area. i've tried to shave these before but my skin is incredibly sensitive and instantly gets ingrown hairs, a painful rash, and the stubble looks and feels awful. the only way i can probably get rid of this is by laser or electrolysis, which are super expensive and would probably take many sessions due to how much hair there is. this just makes me never want to expose myself to anyone, they'd probably get immediately turned off. i know body hair is natural and there are people who'd still want to be with me even with this much hair, but the thing is i myself am not really attracted to girls with body hair and would balk at eating someone out who has a lot of pubic hair. so, just the thought of asking anyone to have sex with me in my current state makes me feel disgusted with myself.

7. i've still never been to a party or bar in my life and honestly don't really want to go because of my body issues (i could never feel relaxed enough to just let go and dance or whatever), but also because i'm allergic to alcohol. i can only go one glass until i get the worse pounding headache, stinging and watering eyes, extremely hot flushed cheeks, rash on my skin, and feeling like i've been hit by a truck. i don't even get tispy, it just feels like shit. and since gay bars are the main way to meet other gay people, that's kind of an conundrum for me lmao. i can't even meet anyone at work as i work in a small law firm of like 5 people.

8. i've recently found out i'm only attracted to other asian girls/feminine-presenting people. even the most attractive white woman that every lesbian goes insane over does nothing for me. so that narrows my options even further!

9. i can't seem to get a crush on anyone? like i don't think i've ever liked anyone seriously in my entire life. people (online) have had crushes on me, but i've never reciprocated. i really really don't want to be aromantic because i've always pictured myself in a romantic relationship and marrying someone. having a wife to hold and wake up next to is one of my biggest dreams and at this rate it seems like it'll never come true.

so yeah, that's basically my life story on why i'm maidenless lmao. it's been really getting me down because i want a girlfriend so bad but can't see how i'll ever get one. i don't want to use dating apps either because i'm extremely unphotogenic (people have literally remarked on how much worse i look in photos vs irl).

at this point i'm literally thinking of hiring an escort just to get my first kiss and lose my virginity. i honestly probably wouldn't even get undressed (even if i'm paying her i'd feel uncomfy making her deal with my pubic hair), i'd just learn the best ways to pleasure her so that i don't come off as absolutely pathetic when/if i ever get to that stage with someone i like.

if you read all of this thank you so much, i really appreciate you. i know it's a whole lot but it feels good just to get it off my chest. i don't even know what i'm asking for but i guess any advice/reassurance/commiseration would be great.

[Siân]

Hi seiii

Welcome to the boards! There's a lot on here and I have thoughts on a bunch of areas but don't want to make this too overwhelming so am going to pick out a few points and we can keep talking and come back to the rest, okay?

First, I'm sorry your mum has been so cruel and controlling. The constant fat-shaming and lack of privacy sound really anxiety-inducing. Do you still live with her?

This felt kinda like a list of reasons someone wouldn't love you, but honestly being fat with a great fashion sense and public hair doesn't make you unlovable! I'd really like to talk about how we can dial down your self-criticism (internally as well as to the world) if that sounds good?

Having been on the boards here for a while, I can tell you that it's really not unusual not to have kissed someone in your early 20s - or to feel rubbish because of it. You're not alone, and so much of it is about chance and random opportunity. Bars aren't the only place to meet people. Do you have much of an in-person network of other queer people where you are?