Is there something wrong with me

[Opal]

I’ve tried masturbating and I don’t feel anything. It’s not numb, but I just feels as is I was rubbing my arm or something. I’ve tried watching porn, not watching porn, watching tv, not watching tv. Nothing changes anything. I’m not sure if this is normal or not.

[Sam W]

Hi Opal,

You're far from the first person to have a question like this. In fact, if you poke around the boards for awhile, you'll start to notice that plenty of people have been in similar situations!

When you've tried masturbating in the past, are you pretty aroused when you start? You mention trying different kinds of media to help with this, do any of those make you feel really turned on, or do you feel pretty bored when you're watching them?

[Opal]

That’s also part of the problem. i never feel aroused or “turned on”. i’m not sure what to do.

[Sam W]

Okay, so that's likely why masturbation isn't feeling like much for you. A helpful next step would be to explore different ways of connecting with your arousal and fantasies. How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms. Do you see some things in that article you could try?

[Opal]

I have tried to get “turned on”, but it never seems to do anything.

[Sofi]

Hi Opal,
Have you tried all the suggestions in the article? What works for some doesn't work for all and for many people, visual media doesn't arouse them. Music, closing your eyes and letting your imagination run wild, or even engaging yourself in dirty talk are all options lots of people use instead. If you've unsuccessfully tried everything in the article, it could also be that currently you need physical stimulation first (rather than being able to get mentally aroused and therefore be physically aroused). In that case, we can talk about exploring what works for you in that sense. I was also wondering, why do you want to feel what you're seeking when you masturbate? Is it out of curiosity, do you feel like you're missing out on something? As Sam said, this is pretty common and normal, but it's helpful to know what your end goal is here.

[Opal]

I have tried different types of mental arousal, nothing seems to work. Even if it does work for a second, as soon as i masturbate it goes away. I also want to feel something partly because of curiosity, and party because of my age all of my friends are talking about dating and having sex.

[Heather]

Hi, Opal.

It sounds like this might just be something where you're just not there yet in terms of discovering what it is that gets you turned on. It's just not something we can force, and when and if someone gets to the time in their development when those things and feelings start to reveal themselves is diverse. Too, often if we try and force it, it has the opposite effect rather than a null effect -- trying to make it happen often makes it less likely to happen and sometimes can even turn us off.

I get that it's easy to feel left out when friends are hyperfocused on a thing that you aren't into or experiencing yet, though, and I'm sorry if this has had you feeling that way.

[Opal]

hi again i have one last question. i’m turning 17 in a few months and i feel like i should feel something, anything.i want to feel something but i don’t.

[Elise]

Hi Opal, everyone is on their own timeline as far as working about how they may experience arousal, so your age is not the most important factor here. As Heather mentioned, putting pressure on yourself (which can include thinking you need to have experienced certain things by a certain age), can have an arousal inhibiting effect, as this causes stress, which is a big inhibitor of arousal. This isn't to say of course that this isn't frustrating, or that you will automatically feel better hearing this, but please let me reassure you that this is something that many people experience.

Perhaps focusing on doing things that bring you non sexual pleasure, joy and fun could be a great way to feel some positive things around your birthday? Be that having a warm bath, being out in nature, wearing some clothing you like the feel of etc. whatever works for you, these can be ways to connect with yourself and your body in a nonsexual way. How does that sound?

If you're interested in how your brain works with arousal (and why taking the pressure off for now is a good idea) you can check out these articles:

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Science of Desire by Dr. Emily Nagoski & R.Steven

[Opal]

Thanks