Scarleteen

Im seventeen.
I had this friend, ill call them James. They were my first friend at my new school, and i made friends with all their friendgroup pretty fast.
(James is nonbinary, we both are, uses they/them, but i do think its important to mention that they are amab and im afab cause i think sex differences/patriarchy are relevant context to this. also neither of us are particulary out about this, we both dress pretty masculine, and dont really correct people when they use the wrong pronouns. they are also much taller than me, by like nine inches, and physically stronger).
We sort of joke flirted a lot. Hung out alone more than i did with any of my other new friends. Hung out in parks and cuddled a lot. I had never had someone do anything of the sort with me before so i allowed it. I am not attracted to them, physically or romantically. I think they were into me.
I probably shouldnt have kept flirting when i worked out they were into me.
But I invited them round for a sleepover. I hadnt had one in years, thought it could be a fun thing (and they live an hour's drive from me so it made travelling to my house worth it).
Maybe i wasnt the best host, i didnt have a lot of acivities or whatever for us to do and it felt awkward. we had the house to ourselves and so because it felt awkward, we went to my room, and i let them cuddle with me more which eventually evolved into making out. I hated it. maybe they were a bad kisser, maybe its cause i wasnt attracted to them, maybe everyone hates it at first. they fingered me, which was more enjoyable, but didnt make me come.
i did not want it to go further, and i stopped it going further. i only let it get that far cause it was something me and james could do together. i probably have an anxiety disorder and im desperate to make sure nothing is awkward and no one is annoyed or bored at me.
i never said no to anything james did to me. but how could i say no? i was not gonna just kick them out of my house if they tried anything i really did not like.
i think it probably was all consensual.
but it's still getting at me. writing all this out, thinking about it was pretty painful. im feel so anxious anytime i am around james at school, or even just thinking about it. ive not had something like this happen before. ive stopped hanging out with james at school really (and my friends i made through james have been great about it. i havent told them the full details but theyre okay with hanging out with james less, and me instead. my friend situation is one of the best things i have going for me right now).
but i dont think i want to ever had sex or kiss someone, especially a guy, ever again. the whole thing was awful. i want to just cry about it most of the time. i think its really fucked me up. ( i dont think im asexual though. i wont go into detail but im pretty confident on that front)
additionally, i have an actual crush on one of my friends, mario, who i am pretty sure likes me back. like i could have my first real relationship, and a month ago i really wanted this. but after everything with james (who knew i had a crush on mario) and the fact the relationship with mario has gotten more likey to happen, i am scared and put off by the idea of having a boyfriend.
im just really sad and scared.
was i a little bit sexually assulted?
am i traumatized?
how do i recover from this?

Hi again.

I'm glad that you trusted us enough to share this. This is a lot to carry, especially if you've been carrying it all by yourself, without any kind of support or help. I'm so sorry that you experienced this.

You say a lot here to put the responsibility for this on yourself, and to suggest that what happened did because of things YOU did or didn't do, rather than because of what James did.

But here's the thing.

Inviting someone to have a sleepover isn't an invitation to sex unless we say it is.
Not being a good host isn't a reason for someone to do sexual things to us.
Flirting (if you did in fact even do that) isn't an invitation to or request for sex.
Not saying no is not saying yes. Not saying no is not consent.
Being alone with someone and cuddling isn't consent to kissing or other ways of being sexual or physical.
"Letting" someone do things to us isn't us wanting them to do those things.
It's not your job (or anyone's) to police someone else's attraction to you, like by behaving certain ways so they don't get "the wrong idea."

Hopefully you are seeing a theme, here. James did the things they did to you, not you. Feeling unable to say no in a high-stakes situation like this is so, so common. To boot, it's hard to feel in the position to say no when someone isn't asking, they are just doing things without asking. It's *really* hard to navigate something like this with all the kinds of circumstances you have posted about here.

James did sexual things to you without your explicit consent. That's an abuse: whether or not it is assault, a legal term, is effectively up to a court of law, not you or me, and I'd encourage you not to get hung up on it, since it sounds like that's perhaps been getting in the way of you taking good care of yourself around this and figuring out what kind of help you need.

Abuses generally cause trauma, and what you have described here sounds traumatic to me, so yes, I can't imagine you don't have trauma because of and around this.

As to how you recover, that's really up to you, and about what kind of help, support and healing journey feels right for you and fits with what you can access. Do you want to talk about your options? We can also talk some more first about anything else I've said here, or about how, with someone like Mario, you can set boundaries and limits you need, and make sure a culture of consent is part of your relationship, up to you. <3

Hi keszj,

It sounds like this was a painful and upsetting experience, one that's really weighing on you, and I'm sorry that it happened.

The first big thing I want to state is that even though you never said no to anything, I'm hearing a complete absence of a YES, or even of any sort of discussion between the two of you about what happened. Was James checking in at all during this? Were they asking whether you were okay with anything that you were doing? It sounds like they weren't doing any of that.

Consent isn't just the absence of a no; it's the presence of a clear yes after communication about what people want to do together. We have a really comprehensive article about exactly what consent is, and how to navigate sexual situations to make sure everyone is giving their consent, here: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent. From what you've said, it sounds like James wasn't asking you what you were interested in or what you wanted to do, but was just doing these things. That's not okay.

Inviting James to your house or into your bedroom was not consent to anything sexual. It was their responsibility to discuss all of this beforehand, to check in with you and not just do what they wanted regardless of how you reacted. And as Heather noted above, that sort of letting-things-happen response is so, so common in sexual situations where someone feels that they are not in control or that they do not consent to what is happening.

I'm really glad to hear that your friends have been there for you! It's great that they're sticking with you as a source of support and comfort right now when you really need it.