How do I have a good relationship with sex?

[keszj]

I'm 17, afab nonbinary person.
When I was 11, i had an e-reader device (like a kindle) that you could use the internet on. I stumbled across porn, mainly erotic writing. I remember one clearly set in a world where girls were much rarer than guys so girls had to undergo training to be good wives and were basically baby machines. Not great stuff for an 11 year old to read.
When I was 12 and had my first phone I would stumble across pornographic images online that generally oversexualised women.
I started to activity look for them, and started getting off to them around this time. I also began to learn about feminism, and work out that I was either bisexual or a lesbian (still unsure abt this one but thats another issue).
As the years went on I continued to getting off to this stuff, more and more porn (although i dont think ive ever watched porn. i feel like watching a video with sound would make me way more likely to be walked in on).
Recently I've realised it that a lot of it involves misogynistic messages, antifeminism stuff, degredation, either of women by men or women by women, although i think thats less of a problem. I'm fixated on men taking advantage of women, women being degraded by men for personal/sexual gain. Things that i am appuled by when they happen in real life and things i would judge other people for being into. I hate it
But i can't get off unless im thinking about them/watching porn with them in. Even when looking at regular porn i insert these narratives into them to turn myself on.
I am really worried i will not enjoy normal sex. just regular dick in vagina sex with a guy the first time i have it. i find it hard to get off on my own already, esp when im not consuming degrading porn.
How do i fix this? How do i get turned on by regular stuff? I feel awful.

[Heather]

Hey there. Welcome to the boards. Let's see if we can't get some talking happen that can help you out here.

First up, I want to let you know that it's very common for people's sexual fantasies to both not be anything they would actually want to do, or even ever do, IRL, and for sexual fantasy to not resemble sexual reality in the slightest. There's no such thing as "normal" sex, and penis-in-vagina intercourse isn't some kind of sexual default, just one of many ways people can be sexual with each other. But! Whether it's that kind of sex or any other, your fantasies keeping you from engaging in sex in real like that you very much want? Again, not at all likely.

It also sounds like you know what the problem with a lot of this stuff is, so it also seems to me there's no reason to be concerned that any of this is something where you can't tell reality from fantasy. If and when that's the case, it's obviously a very potentially dangerous thing. But that's also not you.

You say that you hate this, though, and it sounds like you want to change things up so you can at least start fantasizing about other things that better align with your feelings and values. Do I have that right?

If so, while you can't really make fantasy go away, or your reaction to it, you can certainly grow your sexual imagination so there is more in there, including things that are nothing like this stuff. It will be a process that might take some time, but it's absolutely doable.

The way to get there is really just to start doing it: take in different kinds of sexual media, if that's a place you want to start. Or, you can take a break from sexual media, period, maybe to clear your head, and just work on learning to imagine different sexual things on your own. Journaling can be a good way to do that for some people. Think of it like writing stories: you're making things up, and then feeling how those things feel. If any of this doesn't get you off right away (or at all), it sounds like rather than going to what does, you might just walk away and do something else. You also don't have to only do this at times you start out feelings very sexual.

How does any of this sound to you?

[keszj]

thank you

[Heather]

I'm glad to help. I'm happy to keep having more conversation about this if you want, and if you feel good at this point, you know where to find us if and when you want more help.