Severe guilt over mishandling a platonic (briefly romantic) crush, what now? [Embarrassingly long, I'm sorry]

[apoptoticbleb14]

So I don't know if this is the right place and I feel horrible about the whole situation, but I really need to vent/confess/get some advice if possible. Also sorry in advance for the ridiculous length, I don't want to be a nuisance but this has been on my mind for months and I don't want to miss anything that might be important.

Some context about me that might help/clarify things:

1. I started university last year after being in a rut throughout sixth form. TLDR: although I got on decent with my classmates, I didn't really bother making friends with them, so I started to feel like a lonely awkward mess even before the pandemic and lockdown. Then after in-person teaching restarted I felt like it was too late to try and make friends with my classmates. My interpersonal skills and confidence have gone downhill in the aftermath.
2. I only realised/accepted that I'm gay midway through sixth form, I think it took so long mainly because a) I'm autistic and relationships hadn't been something I had given much thought to when I was younger, b) I missed almost all sex and relationships lessons throughout school because even a slight hint of sex was enough to make tween-me cry, and c) every time I had any interest in a guy at the time I could instinctively tell it was superficial/purely based on looks. Basically, I've never really had a significant platonic or romantic crush on anyone and I wasn't at all prepared to handle one.

Anyway, when I started uni I was too nervous to actually approach people in lectures or around campus and I was beginning to get paranoid about not making friends. In one of the first few lectures there was a guy (I'll call him Q) and his friend who came over, said hi and asked if they could sit next to me. I said yes, and although we didn't talk much they both seemed really nice, I don't think they were too bothered about me being quiet or anything. They even asked to add me on Snapchat, but I didn't have SC at the time so we just went our separate ways after the lecture. I kept on seeing Q and his friends again in lectures and around the campus over the first term but I was too scared to sit or chat with them because I was anxious about being an unwanted pest or coming off as intrusive and I had started to second-guess whether I had made a decent first impression or not.

I think the combination of my loneliness/crummy headspace making me desperate, Q happening to be one of the first few people I talked to when I was in that headspace, his just-out-of-reachness due to his friend group overlapping slightly with the friend groups I eventually became part of, and maybe autistic hyperfixation led to me developing a platonic crush for Q (and his friends to a much lesser, more tolerable extent). I don't know for certain why Q in particular, but my best guess would be that with my headspace at the time I saw the mellow/confident vibe I got from him in particular as a source of stability?
I ended up habitually looking over in his direction in lectures and in the library midway through the term, in part out of curiosity about what he was really like and in part hoping that it would make me feel comfortable enough to talk with him again. At the time I didn't think much of it, and I would stop whenever I got the impression I was making him uncomfortable (although I admittedly struggled to judge this because of iffy social skills), but looking back now I feel horrid about it because I can't shake the feeling that I've deeply creeped him out and/or hurt him emotionally or mentally.

To make things worse, loneliness and stray thoughts over the winter holiday got the better of me and my feelings for Q developed into a romantic crush by the second term. However, at the end of the second term I realised that he is dating a girl (I'll call her R) in his friend group who I'm an acquaintance/loose friend of through my friend groups. The realisation removed the romantic aspect of the crush, but it made me feel like a homewrecking asshole too and kickstarted my guilt over the platonic crush. Now I feel like I've not only freaked him out but also like I've betrayed R.

I don't think I'd feel as bad if I could judge how Q felt about me, but being autistic I find that's something I really struggle with even at the best of times. There's been a few occasions where we've indirectly interacted (mainly my friends talking to him/his friends or when R was present, but there was a volunteering event we both had roles in as well). He didn't seem to be too bothered by me then (he would try and make eye contact, say thanks etc. and I think he might have even said bye to me specifically at the end of one lecture). Because other people were present in those instances, though, I worry that he was only putting on a brave face out of obligation so that he didn't make things awkward for everyone.
The best indication I have is one time where we were both revising for exams not too far away from each other in the library on a quiet day and he seemed like he could still concentrate on his revision at least, but I could tell he was glancing over at me from time to time whereas I can't bring myself to look in his general direction anymore because I get so uncomfortable over the mere thought of me making him uncomfortable, so I couldn't even guess how he was feeling or why he was looking over.

I'm writing this at the start of the summer holiday so I'll have a few months' space away from Q which I hope will help, and the weeks I've had off so far (and finally getting this off my chest in some way) have helped calm me down quite a bit and fixate on it less. Also I'd say my loneliness/social skills are improving, they're not as good as I'd like them to be but I feel like I have made friends and they've helped me open up a bit and be more confident so I feel slightly better equipped to handle things compared to earlier on in the year.
However, I'm still scared that once the new uni year starts I'll just be in the exact same position as this year or worse end up repeating the whole debacle with some other guy. Plus, I doubt that I can avoid Q throughout the rest of uni (a bit because of the friend group overlap, but also we'll definitely share first semester modules and I think he might have chosen the same second semester and third year specialisations as me) but I'm so ashamed of myself and paranoid about troubling him that hearing people mention him, thinking of being in the same room as him or even things that loosely remind me of him make me uneasy. I don't know what I'd do if we ended up as lab partners or teammates for group projects.

All in all, I want to believe that I'm just overthinking everything and he was never bothered in the first place, but deep down I'm not entirely convinced by that and I don't feel right letting myself off the hook for it. I know that I shouldn't have been looking over at him like I was early on in the year and that my feelings wouldn't have snowballed like this if I had just talked with him not long after we first met. I want to learn how to better handle things in future and, if it wouldn't rub salt in the wound for Q, fix things with him and undo the stifling tension I've created.

I'm sorry that I've rambled a lot and from the FAQs and guidelines I can't tell if this post/situation is beyond the scope/rules of the boards, but:

• Are there any ways to move on from the crush and guilt aside from just time/avoidance (especially anything helpful for an autistic guy who tends to fixate heavily on stuff)?
• Am I actually overthinking it to some extent?
• Any tips for not repeating the same mistakes again?
• And I think this might be a bit too optimistic/unrealistic, but is there any chance of me being able to make amends with Q? (or is it being unfair/cruel to him for me to even consider that?)

[Michaela]

Welcome to the boards!

First off, I want to address that navigating relationships whether that be as acquaintances, friends, or more, can be hard and takes time and practice for everyone. It sounds like you've been doing a great job of being aware of what you have been feeling, and it doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong. If anything, from reading what you wrote, I see someone who is deeply caring and thoughtful. However, I hear you on feeling weird tension and having some difficulty letting go of those feelings.

For your first question, sometimes talking with the other person can be helpful to express what you are feeling for closure before moving on. Being able to get some clarity through a conversation instead of speculation could offer that. Although that also might feel pretty uncomfortable, which is totally understandable. If you are interested in that route, though, we could talk through some ways of approaching that conversation.

All of the feelings that you have expressed here are totally valid. I think you may be surprised by just how many people have gone through the same emotional rollercoaster that you've described here with crushes. When you care about someone it can be pretty easy to slip into overthinking everything. Something that has been helpful for me to remember in similar situations is that as humans we tend to think others notice all the little things about us, what we do, say, act, etc. much more than people actually do (it's called the Spotlight Effect if you want to read up about it).

Finally, I don't think it is too optimistic to work on your relationship with Q if that is something that you want. What it would start with is a compassionate conversation where you both are able to express things you feel, establish boundaries, and maintain clear communication in the future.

Do any of these things resonate with you? I wasn't able to quite touch on everything in your post. So, if I missed a key detail you wanted to discuss please feel free to add it!

[apoptoticbleb14]

Hi,

Thanks for the reassurance! That and hearing about the spotlight effect definitely makes me feel more at ease about the situation.

I think getting some clarity from him would help, but I'm not sure how I'd go about it. Normally we sit separately in different friend groups and I wouldn't know how to approach him and start a conversation like this out of left field. Still, I would like to hear your advice on talking with him about the situation in case a good opportunity comes up once uni starts up again.

Thanks again for the help!

[Michaela]

I'm glad that all helped!

It can definitely feel a little strange and awkward to try and start a conversation like this out of nowhere. Luckily, the summer break provides a great way to jumpstart a conversation with a little bit of small talk. Things like:

• "Hey, how was your break?"

• "Are you excited for this year? Since we had a lot of courses together last year, I was wondering what you're taking this term?"

• Or even making some observation to start a conversation like "Hey, those are some pretty cool (clothing, shoes, bag, etc.)"

Simply having a lighter conversation about school or the summer might help you feel better and gauge whether or not that tension you were feeling is there. Perhaps a little time away for the summer was all that was needed.

If you are wanting to have a longer conversation you could transition once you both get talking towards discussing the last term.

• If you want to talk right then, you could say something like "If you had a minute, I have been wanting to talk to you about something weighing on me from last term"

• You could make a plan to chat later by saying something like "I'd love to catch up some more, would you want to meet up (place where you would both feel comfortable talking) sometime?"

• Or you could transition to exchange phone numbers, instead of Snapchats. This would also give you the opportunity to have the conversation over text if that feels more comfortable for you.

Finally, if you find yourself having this conversation with him, a good tip is to focus on being open and using "I" statements. A nice format that I've used in the past to both express things that might be troubling me or gratitude with a friend is:

• I feel (EMOTION: worried, stressed, happy, nervous etc.)

• when we (SITUATION: are in public places and don't acknowledge each other's presence, aren't staying connected, wave at each other in the hall etc.)

• because (IMPORTANCE: you seem really cool and I would like to be friends, you seem nice and I would like to get to know you more, I value this friendship etc.)"

Of course, this is not an exhaustive list of all the ways you could approach the conversation, but hopefully, it has given you some inspiration for what it could look like. We have an article ( Hello, Sailor! How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship) that touches on some more tips for navigating relationships that you might find helpful. Even though the focus of the article is more on romantic relationships, everything still applies if you are interested in a platonic friendship.

Lastly, I want to acknowledge that there is a decent amount of information here and to be aware that this could invite a lot more thought on the subject when you mentioned that you are wanting to move on. Perhaps you may want to think about setting aside the article or subject for the summer so that you can enjoy the break. I am all too familiar with how stressful university can be and so you are well deserving of a nice break! Then when you get closer to the school year, you can always revisit this thread if you want. Who knows maybe more time can offer clarity. Does that feel like something that would be good for you?

Of course, we are always still here to chat more if what I've said sparked further questions!

[apoptoticbleb14]

Thanks for the help! I think I'll revisit the thread in a few months time before uni restarts, maybe early September? I think that should give me plenty of time to get my mind off it and relax.

[Siân]

I'm so glad you found this useful! We are absolutely here whenever you want to revisit this thread - or talk about anything else