Holding myself back or not really queer?

[ladygirl]

I'm in my final year of high school, and up until a few weeks ago I was content with the fact that I'd likely not have a highschool relationship before I graduate. There's this girl in my class who I've always really liked, and used to have "feelings" for until I pushed them out of the way because I was convinced dating wasn't probable.

Over the past two weeks, my friends have told me she really likes me, and wants to date me. We're both religious and coming from homophobic families. When I first heard I was immediately panicked but couldn't stop smiling, and I think that feeling has just grown with time.

This girl is perfect for me. She's so beautiful, and sweet, and funny, and I'm very attracted to her, but for some reason the thought of being with her makes me so anxious all that giddiness goes away. Whenever I contemplate being with her, I know I would latch on and never let go if she were a boy, but I get so nervous about the idea of dating a girl. I'm scared that
1) my deep fear of losing my family is causing me to gaslight myself, which means I would lose out on being with her, and I don't want to do that.
2) Since it's summer soon I have to figure out my feelings and tell her I like her, or tell her that I can't be with her, and that the decision I make would be rushed and disingenuous
3) If I can't let go of my fears I have no right to be in a relationship with her.
4) My feelings for this girl, and for women in general, are just not real. I know I'm attracted to men, but after my parents revealed how homophobic they were, I couldn't bear to properly consider having feelings for a girl.

On top of that, I haven't had a crush in years, and it's different now than it was then. I used to fall very hard very fast, and then be too sick of love and nerves to think about them in under a week. With this girl there's a subtle electric excitement. I want to see her in any room I walk into, I want her to text me, I want to hug her and kiss her and put my head on her chest and cook for her (she loves sweets). But I'm too scared to look up and look for her, to hug her for too long, to be close to her, or to flirt with her. I'm very shy around people I have feelings for, but with her, I truly feel like I can't function.

I'm terrified that if I go through with it, and by graduation it turns out I really can't allow myself to love a woman, that I'll break her heart for no good reason. I don't know. I know if I blow it I'll never have a chance with her again.

Should I stick to pursuing men and find peace with not being with women? I really don't think I could see myself marrying a woman (possibly just my anxiety), and I'm scared of missing out on relating to my straight friends and talking about boys. I love men too, and the fact that this could potentially be a lifelong decision makes my head spin. But does that mean I'm not worthy of dating her and I'm leading her on?

To add on, we're both feminine, and I'm usually attracted to masculine people so I don't know how we would work. Sometimes I find myself wondering if she even really likes me, but I think this is still me gaslighting myself out of the fact that queer romances exist so that I could shield myself from falling into one.

I don't know what to do, and I don't want to be an evil person. She's what I want personified, but my anxiety subdues my excitement 80% of the time.

I'm unsure about everything and I usually have EVERYTHING planned out to a T. What do I do?

[Sam W]

Hi ladygirl,

From what you're describing, it sounds more like you're pushing away or afraid to act on your queer feelings, rather than you're not really queer. That makes a lot of sense, given that you're currently in a situation where your family wouldn't support you in a queer relationship. When we're in situations where we know being out as queer could put us in danger of rejection (or, depending on the family, abuse), it can lead to us trying to find reasons why we're not feeling what we're feeling because contemplating the queer relationship means contemplating some stressful outcomes. Does that make sense?

Before we talk about the ways you could approach this situation, have you and this other girl ever actually talked about having crushes on each other? Or have you only heard about her interest in you from your friends and not from her directly?

[ladygirl]

Hello Sam,
thank you for the response and input!

It does make sense, and I understand what you're saying. Most of what I've done recently is contemplate stressful outcomes. To answer your question, no, we haven't ever spoken directly about liking each other, but we talk all the time and she's very forward. I think we've hinted at it to the point where it's now an unspoken thing, but evident, still.

[Siân]

Hi ladygirl

So it sounds like you have a lot of reasons to be nervous a out this! You haven't spoken about your feelings with this girl so that idea had built up in your head - and you're pressuring yourself to have all the answers when you do. Plus general crush nerves and a homophones family. No wonder you're feeling anxious!

Can we look at two things that are probably adding to that anxiety and see if we can challenge them?
1. "This could potentially be a lifelong decision": asking one girl out of not doesn't need to define your whole life. All being well, you have decades to come, and hopefully at some point you'll find yourself not living with homophobic family when you can explore all facets of your sexuality with less of a critical gaze on you

2.Planning and the graduation deadline: it seems like you want to have all of the answers before starting a conversation with your crush. Thing is, relationships don't really work like that. It's more one decision, one step, at a time. Telling her you're attracted to her doesn't mean you have to then be in a relationship, fall in love or get married. How about letting yourself start small?

How do you imagine a conversation with her about your feelings would go?

[ladygirl]

Hello Sian!

Please forgive me for the delay in response. I've been wrapping up a very hectic exam season.

I think both points you raised are very fair, and you're right that I'm in my head a bit. It's just quite hard not to fixate on them for me.

I think if I were to have a conversation with her, and entirely open about my reservations, that it would hurt her and maybe even put her off me, she seems very sure about what she wants, and I don't have that confidence/clarity. I really don't know what would happen to our friendship afterward. I haven't really had any romantic relations in the past so I don't know how to move forward.

Thank you for your reply

[Sam W]

Hi ladygirl,

Can I ask why you think having a very open conversation about this might hurt her or damage your friendship? Too, if it would help we could talk through some ways to have that conversation with you here.

[ladygirl]

I think it would hurt her because she's sure about the fact that she would be in a wlw relationship even with all of the factors (like family/graduation) that could distort the experience. I think if I told her I liked her, but still didn't think I could be with her, it would make her feel like she's not special enough to me for me to risk it, or like I don't really like her, and I think our relationship would sour from there, or at least be very awkward. Unless we decided to remain strictly friends, which would be uncomfortable and inorganic in of itself.

i feel like high school romances shouldn't be this hard. I truly don't know if it's worth it.

[Sam W]

I can definitely see where your hesitation is coming from, and it's great that you're trying to be so mindful of her feelings. Do you feel like your friendship will be okay if you don't address the possible romantic feelings between you?

You know, in my experience high school relationships can be some of the most challenging to navigate, because you're still so new to the whole thing and there are all these other social dynamics that you're trying to be aware of while also learning how to be in a romantic relationship with another person (and, in your case, there's the added complication of whether you can be openly dating another girl). Of course, only you can decide whether that feels worth it to you, and there are plenty of people who find that being in romantic relationships gets a little easier after high school.