Hello.
I am here seeking advice on problems at home. I feel scared to go. I would much rather be anywhere except home all the time pretty much.
Here is a little history of what happens at home.
I go home and there is always yelling or my parents are looking at me like I am a disappointment. Like I need to be better for them. I want to leave home but I am so scared of what that might mean. They are always threatening to throw me out as well as saying we only agreed to you because we wanted your brother and you were a package deal (I am adopted) Now that I have come out to my parents (Sort off) everything has gone from hell to a living hell in a hand basket x 10. I am just so scared to go home all the time or to talk to them about stuff. They look at me like I am a disease. Ever since I agreed to be adopted everything went downhill in some ways, in other things it went up. I am the only one who cleans or has any chores my brother does not. Oh, and my brother would do something wrong right? Guess what! I am the one who gets in trouble and then they say this "Well Oynx you're his older brother and he looks up to you, everything you do he will copy" So because I lied about let's say homework 4 and 1/2 years ago that means he will to now? So I am the one who gets the bigger punishment?
I might be wrong but I don't think that is how that works. Now the only break I have is on this site and getting support and going to school.
All my friends are saying you should leave home but I am so scared and not sure if I have the willpower to do it. Because I feel like I will ruin everything by doing so. That I will make my parents and family mad and grief-stricken. I just don't know what to do... Do you think it would be better to leave home? I now feel like them being mad at me is my fault because they make me feel like that. But they don't really hit me, so does that count as abuse? The most my dad has ever done is put his hands on my throat and squeezed for a few seconds and then said I wish I never adopted you.
He has also put his foot on my chest and put pressure until I felt like I couldn't breath and hit me when he is mad. He has also called me names.
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I need help
Forum rules
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
We ask that users looking for general, ongoing emotional support post in this area of the boards, and that you use this space to both ask for, give and receive that support primarily from each other, rather than from our staff and volunteers. As a staff, we simply are often too overextended with all we need to do in running the organization and its services to do that for extended periods of time, and one of our main aims of our community at the boards has always been to facilitate peers to better be there for each other.
Users often report that they have no in-person peers they can talk to or seek support from: we want this to be a space for online peer support and somewhere everyone can get some practice asking for, getting and giving support so that doing it with people in your lives feels more doable.
Please remember that neither staff, volunteers nor your fellow users can provide or replace mental healthcare when that is something you need. Users struggling with issues like anxiety, depression, abuse or physical health issues are strongly encouraged to seek out qualified, in-person help with those issues in addition to peer or staff support.
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
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Re: I need help
Hi Onyx,
From everything you've told us both here and in chat, I think leaving home is absolutely an option you should consider. What you're describing from your dad is absolutely physical abuse, and that's on top of the emotional and verbal abuse that's clearly a pattern for both him and your mom. They're creating an abusive home, and the only way to get truly safe from that is to get out. You're not to blame for their feelings or actions; they're making the choices, not only to bring you into the family but to utterly fail at providing you a safe and caring environment to grow up in. This is their fault, not yours, and your biggest responsibility is to yourself, not to them.
I know leaving can be an intimidating thing to consider and plan, but it's absolutely something we can help you with here (and you can use the safety planning tool as well, I recall giving it to you in chat but we can re-link it here if you need us to). Too, it sounds like your friends have you back in this, which means you have some additional forms of support that you may be able to draw on. You deserve to be in a space where you're not afraid all the time, and where the adults around you treat you with care instead of using you as a scapegoat and threatening you. So, how do you feel about using this thread to plan your escape?
Too, I know this is something you're hesitant to do, but I'd urge you to tell either the counselor or the social worker at school what you've told us about the abuse, including you're fears that if that triggers an investigation into your parents things will get worse for you. The risk to your safety is still very present, and that's exactly the kind of situation child services exists to address. Too, if telling the adults who likely have to report it is intimidating, we could also talk about how to make the call yourself so you feel a little more in control of what's going on.
From everything you've told us both here and in chat, I think leaving home is absolutely an option you should consider. What you're describing from your dad is absolutely physical abuse, and that's on top of the emotional and verbal abuse that's clearly a pattern for both him and your mom. They're creating an abusive home, and the only way to get truly safe from that is to get out. You're not to blame for their feelings or actions; they're making the choices, not only to bring you into the family but to utterly fail at providing you a safe and caring environment to grow up in. This is their fault, not yours, and your biggest responsibility is to yourself, not to them.
I know leaving can be an intimidating thing to consider and plan, but it's absolutely something we can help you with here (and you can use the safety planning tool as well, I recall giving it to you in chat but we can re-link it here if you need us to). Too, it sounds like your friends have you back in this, which means you have some additional forms of support that you may be able to draw on. You deserve to be in a space where you're not afraid all the time, and where the adults around you treat you with care instead of using you as a scapegoat and threatening you. So, how do you feel about using this thread to plan your escape?
Too, I know this is something you're hesitant to do, but I'd urge you to tell either the counselor or the social worker at school what you've told us about the abuse, including you're fears that if that triggers an investigation into your parents things will get worse for you. The risk to your safety is still very present, and that's exactly the kind of situation child services exists to address. Too, if telling the adults who likely have to report it is intimidating, we could also talk about how to make the call yourself so you feel a little more in control of what's going on.
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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Oynx
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- Location: Canada
Re: I need help
Hi, Sam W
Um... I could but at the same time, I am worried. It is still a big step to be pushed to that point. But they haven't been acting like that the last few weeks. Also, I want to ask for my phone back tonight but am still worried about the answer. My aunt who says those things to me said that she thinks is a bad idea. She thinks that my dad will say no. What do you think? The worst that will happen is that he will say no or say no and you can't play for a week like on the PS4 or even the time till you get it back will be like a week farther. Do you think I should risk it? It would be good to have it back.
Um... I could but at the same time, I am worried. It is still a big step to be pushed to that point. But they haven't been acting like that the last few weeks. Also, I want to ask for my phone back tonight but am still worried about the answer. My aunt who says those things to me said that she thinks is a bad idea. She thinks that my dad will say no. What do you think? The worst that will happen is that he will say no or say no and you can't play for a week like on the PS4 or even the time till you get it back will be like a week farther. Do you think I should risk it? It would be good to have it back.
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: I need help
Unfortunately, a lull of a few weeks (especially when it's not applying to the verbal abuse and their attempts to control and isolate you) doesn't mean the risk is past, and from everything you've told me I think the reality is that until you're out of that house, you'll be at risk from physical violence. So the sooner you can get someone involved who has the ability to intervene, the safer you're going to be, you know?
You know your dad's moods and behaviors better than I do, so ultimately you'll be in a better position to judge whether asking for the phone will backfire. You want to avoid conflict with him as much as possible until you can get safe. If there are things that put your dad in a good or receptive mood, it might be worth a try to wait until he's in that kind of mood to ask (again, only if you think it's safe to do so). Have they given you a time when you'll get it back? or are they doing the thing where they say "you'll get it back when we can trust you" or something similarly vague?
You know your dad's moods and behaviors better than I do, so ultimately you'll be in a better position to judge whether asking for the phone will backfire. You want to avoid conflict with him as much as possible until you can get safe. If there are things that put your dad in a good or receptive mood, it might be worth a try to wait until he's in that kind of mood to ask (again, only if you think it's safe to do so). Have they given you a time when you'll get it back? or are they doing the thing where they say "you'll get it back when we can trust you" or something similarly vague?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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Oynx
- not a newbie
- Posts: 55
- Joined: Thu Jun 09, 2022 10:04 am
- Age: 17
- Awesomeness Quotient: I love writing
- Primary language: english
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- Location: Canada
Re: I need help
They said at least September and when we see you have changed...
But anyways I am not sure. But what do you think? From what have I told you. They said when they see a change then I can have it back. Also I am not fully sure if he will be in that good of mood again. Also I don't know my phone # and tommorow is the last day of school. So if I get it back I can reasearch text/numbers I can put in my phone that will be good also friends that can help me their #
So what do you think?
But anyways I am not sure. But what do you think? From what have I told you. They said when they see a change then I can have it back. Also I am not fully sure if he will be in that good of mood again. Also I don't know my phone # and tommorow is the last day of school. So if I get it back I can reasearch text/numbers I can put in my phone that will be good also friends that can help me their #
So what do you think?
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Sofi
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
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- Awesomeness Quotient: I make my own nail art!
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- Location: USA
Re: I need help
Hi Onyx, I'm with Sam here - it's hard for us to be able to say what you should do because you know your dad better. You definitely want to wait until he's in a good mood to ask, but even then it might backfire, so it might be best to take the safe road and wait. It's up to you, though. It might be worth the risk to you if the worse that can happen is an extension or no PS4.